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by: Suzie
delusional
The date of Lelia’s journal entry smeared to illegibility as her tears fell on the page. She wiped them away impatiently and began writing. I was such a fool to think I could help you, Vincent. But I guess all girls have a bit of a ‘mommy complex’.
i believed i could cure it all
for you dear
You didn’t really want to feel better, did you? You just wanted to revel in your guilt. There’s something gloriously self-centered about depression and guilt. But maybe it was just self-pity. She didn’t know if she was crying for him or for herself, but it didn’t matter. The tears were warm as they streaked down her face, faster than she could wipe them off. Frustrating…just like him.
coax or trick or drive or
drag the demons from you
It didn’t stop me, no matter what you want to call this…problem you have. I tried anyway, didn’t I? I tried so hard to make you better…to make you want me. But you only want her. Or your poisoned memories of her, anyway. Lelia’s bitterness ached like a gaping wound. She stopped writing, but the thoughts kept pouring into her mind, no matter how hard she tried to stop them.
make it right for you sleeping beauty
truly thought i could magically heal you
Maybe I’m sick too. All I wanted was to be with you—a normal you; one without that damned coffin and your damned guilt. Almost unconsciously, the young woman hurled her journal across her spare bedroom and into the wall. Pages from the cheaply bound book flew everywhere as the binding broke. They fluttered down to the floor like flower petals…. ‘He loves me…he loves me not….’ It seemed everything mocked her. Maybe if I stayed longer, tried for another week, another day, another hour you would’ve loosened up. You might’ve slipped out of your nightmares for a while. But I gave up. You wouldn’t listen to me.
far beyond a visible sign of your awakening
failing miserably to rescue
sleeping beauty
Didn’t you understand that I loved you? Her rage hit her all at once, harder than any fist could have punched. She picked up her only chair and sent it soaring after the journal. There was only the minutest amount of satisfaction in watching the legs splinter. Couldn’t you have pretended to love me back? Pretended even to give a damn about *my* tears? *My* scars? You’re not the only one who’s wounded, you know.
drunk on ego
Lelia began pacing the small room with long, brisk strides—anything to stop herself from screaming, breaking things, taking a knife and slashing…. Am I arrogant or just stupid to think that you were worth the effort—that I could actually have an impact in your life?
truly thought i could make it right if i
kissed you one more time
Was it some sort of demented god complex that made me believe I had a special kind of healing power? No one else could help you, so why should I be able to?
to help you face the nightmare but you're
far too poisoned for me
There were times when I was almost sucked into those nightmares with you. Her pacing ceased as she remembered those times. Watching Vincent as he suffered through dream after dream, both waking and sleeping. And that always slightly vacant look in his eyes, like he was looking at something that was just outside of normal vision. Yet, I don’t think you ever *really* noticed I was there. Sure, you spoke my name, looked me in the eyes, ran your fingers down my spine.… She shuddered, unsure whether it was from pleasure or fear, recalling nights he spent with her. But you never really saw me.
such a fool to think that i could wake you
from your slumber
that i could actually heal you
She was the only one that you saw…Lucretia. Tell me, Vincent: when we made love, was it me that you were touching or the one you really wanted? The tears nearly overcame her, but her rage hadn’t diminished. Lelia kicked at the leg of her desk, barely feeling the stabbing pain in her foot. Physical feelings were numbed by the whirlwind of emotions. She fell to the floor and laid her head in her arms, trying not to let the sobs emerge.
sleeping beauty
poisoned and hopeless
Did you manage to completely block out my presence? What did she do to you? Or, you to her? Was that it? You never told me…never told me anything—only her name, and that by accident. Those nights when he would wake screaming….
far beyond a visible sign of your awakening
Always sleeping in a coffin. Do you even realize that you’re not dead yet? Perhaps you are, in a way. You certainly won’t let yourself live.
failing miserably to find a way to comfort you
Finally cried out, at least for a little while, Lelia sat up and sniffled, using her sleeve to dry her face. Can’t blame a girl for dreaming, right? Every girl has to have her dreams.
far beyond a visible sign of your awakening
and
hiding from some poisoned memory
There was an almost peaceful feeling in the emptiness left by her outburst. She leaned up against the side of her bed and stared out the window, wondering if he had any idea where she was. You’re in my dreams now, every night. You haunt me there, worse than all of my tarnished memories.
poisoned and hopeless
sleeping beauty
I have nightmares
of my own, Vincent…my love.