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( The
Shinra logo appears on a random TV screen in Midgar, followed by cheezy
xylophone
music. Soon the graphic is replaced by the figure of Heidegger, on
a soundstage
somewhere in the Shinra Building )
Heidegger:
Welcome, losers of the world! This is Shinra T.V. Here's your
host,
Tseng!
Tseng:
Thank you, Heidegger. Hello, Midgar. Today, a lot of happy
crappy
happened. Since I hate being here and wish I were dead, here's Reno
with
a report on.....something.
Reno:
( Appears on the screen wearing a red party dress and looking
really
hung over ) Huh..? Oh, ungh..I'm Reno. I had wild sex last night with
someone
I've never met before...I think it was a female...? Uh..back to
you...Bob...
( Passes out )
Tseng: Interesting. Now here's Rude with a Gardening Report.
Rude:
( Shot switches to a nice, silven glen. Rude is wearing a
green
bandana which reads, "Flower Power!" ) I'm here with, Tifa
Lockheart...in
her garden.
Tifa: HIYA!!
Rude: So... I noticed this nice bush here...
Tifa: Oh yes! I love my bush!!
Rude:
Well, you have a nice full bush here, yet you seem to keep it
well
trimmed...
Tifa: Oh yeah, I trim my bush every week!!
Rude:
( Runs his hands over the leaves ) Hmm... running my fingers
through
your bush is...satisfying. Nice.
Tifa: And I'm sure my bush likes it!!
Rude: What's this over here......?
Tifa: That's my prize Pussy Willow!!
Rude: Gee, you have a nice little pu--
Tseng:
( Suddenly reappears on the screen ) Unfortunately we're out
of time
for the Gardening Report. Now we move to Elena with the weather.
Elena:
( A large map of the planet flashes onscreen followed by
Elena
who moves to stand in front of it ) Um...HI! It'll be cloudy over
Midgar
as usual. Acid rain from 3 to 4 PM Midgar Standard Time. I dunno
what's
happening everywhere else though, so I guess all you other towns can
ram a
stick up your--
Tseng:
( Appears once again ) Thank you, Elena. Now a few words from
our President,
Rufus Shinra.
Rufus: ( Flashes on the screen for 3 seconds ) I hope you all die....
Tseng:
( Reappears ) Thank you, Rufus. Palmer is on the scene of an
argument.
We take you there now, since we have nothing better to do.
Palmer:
( Suddenly comes onto the screen, the surroundings of a bar
behind
him ) Thanks, Tseng! Hey-hey! Here, Pro Pilot, Cid Highwind and Mister
T impersonator,
Barret Wallace are in a tizzy over the simple question. Who
spilled
the tea?!
Cid: DAMMIT!!
I know you spilled my goddamn tea, Barret!!! You've
always
hated my TEA!!
Barret: Foo'! I weren't near da' damn tea!
Cid: (
Flails his arms furiously ) THAT DOES IT!! I'm gonna tip
yer drink
over, you ebonic-talkin' assdancer!! ( Reaches for Barret's Ripple )
Barret:
WHAT DA' HELL!?!? ( Smacks Cid to the floor ) FOO'!! Don't
NEVA
touch a black mans Ripple!!
Palmer:
Mister Barret, how do you feel about pilots who mess with
your
ripple?
Barret: I PITY DA' FOO' WHO MESS WIT' MAH RIPPLE!!
Reno:
( Staggers in and collapses on Barret's table, spilling the
Ripple
all over )
Barret:
%#*&%#(*#*#*?&!!! FOO'!!!!!! ( Smacks Reno around and shoots
him with
his gun arm, also hitting a waitress in the process, making her drop
a glass
of Long Island Iced Tea )
Cid: AHHH!!! NOT THE TEA!!! %%*#(%#($#*%#)($(*#$(*%#%#*)#%##!!!!!!
Rufus:
( Suddenly appears on camera ) Why not drink Pepsi? ( Begins
singing,
"I'm too sexy for my shirt" )
Palmer: ( Joins Rufus ) Back to you, Tseng!!! WOOOOO!!!
Tseng:
( Reappears on camera, conditioning his hair ) Oops, uh,
here's
some hidden camera footage.
( Footage rolls )
Rufus: Hurry up..I have a speech in 10 minutes....
Reeve:
( Places a familiar looking, bright orange hairpeice on
Rufus'
head ) There, sir.
Rufus: Is it on straight?
Reeve: I think so....
Rufus: MAKE IT PERFECT!!! NO ONE MUST KNOW!!!! AHRGH!!
Reeve: .............
Tseng:
( Appears one final time ) Well, that's all for this addition
of Shinra
T.V. Goodnight everyone!
Yuffie:
( Pops up from behind Tseng's desk ) OH MY GAWD!!! ( Falls
face
first into the desktop )
Tseng:
Huh....?
THE
END
Episode
II
Coverage
of the Shinra Picnic
( The
familiar Shinra logo appears on T.V. screens all over the Planet. The
trademark
Shinra T.V. xylophone theme plays, and the fat visage of Heidegger
appears
on the screen soon after. )
Heidegger:
GYA HA HA! Welcome to another broadcast of Shinra T.V. Today
we will
be covering the annual Shinra Employee Picnic, as well as breaking
news
throughout the Planet. Now, here's your anchorman, Tseng! ( He stares
into
the camera a few moments, then suddenly releases a massive amount of
gas,
the reverberations rattling the entire soundstage, and Midgar itself,
only
rivaled by the firing of the Sister Ray )
Cameraman #1: Uh...we were..still rolling...
Heidegger: GYA?!! SWITCH TO CAMERA TWO!!
( They
switch to camera two. Tseng has been knocked over by the massive
ass-explosion,
his feet sticking up over his desk, one shoe missing. They
quickly
switch to camera three, where we see the familiar weather map, and a
wide-eyed
Elena )
Elena:
Uh...we..we..are recieving reports now...of..a 4.5 earthquake
in Midgar.
Uh..the epicenter has been pinpointed at the Shinra
building...soundstage
one...significant damage in most areas, with a total of
three
casualties so far...
Heidegger: ( From off-camera ) OH SHUT UP!! SWITCH BACK TO CAMERA TWO!!
( The camera switches back to Tseng, who has composed himself by now )
Tseng:
Uh..th-thank you, Elena..for that late-breaking news.
Uh..welcome,
citizens, to Shinra T.V. Our first report is by senior reporter,
Reno.
We now go to him, on location, at the Shinra Employee Picnic.
( The
scene switches to a large, blackened and barren field, decorated with
Shinra
flags and pennants. Many Shinra employees roaming around aimlessly )
Reno:
Thanks, Tseng. I'm here with President Rufus Shinra. Give us
something
interesting.
Rufus:
( Standing there with a straw sunhat with a pink hatband on
his head
) Good day. I am President Rufus Shinra. We are having a picnic.
There
is no food, no recreation, and no flora or fauna. We are here on the
outskirts
of Midgar, playing, "Look Like You're Having Fun For The Camera's
Or I'll
Shoot You". So far only one person has lost.
( The
camera pans over to a dead body a few yards away, flies now buzzing
around
the corpse )
Reno:
I see...well, this seems like a ton of fun. What other games
are you
playing?
Rufus:
That's pretty much it for now. ( An employee walks by,
looking
very unhappy ) Aha! Another loser! ( He raises his shotgun and fires
at the
mans head. As his cranium explodes in a shower of blood and bone, the
scene
switches back to Tseng )
Tseng:
Wonderful. We'll check back with Reno later. Now we move to
our Psychiatric
Report with special reporter, Rude.
( The
Scene fades to Clouds house. Cloud is laying on his bed, and Rude is
standing
in the foreground with a microphone )
Rude:
...Thanks. I'm here with..Cloud Strife. He has problems. Let
us talk
to him, shall we...? ( He steps backward to Cloud's bedside )
Cloud:
But, really... I'm okay now. I'm over that whole, "I don't
know
who I am" deal. Honest!
Crewman:
Yeah, yeah. Shut up and read the cue cards..oops! ( Runs
off-camera
)
Rude: Hello, Mister Strife. How are you today?
Cloud:
( Squinting off camera at the cue cards )
Oh..I..am...not..okay..
Oh...my...my head...my head...God...help
me....I...am....not
Cloud....who...am I?
...Please...give...me...a....uh..number?
Rude: There, there. It'll be okay. ( He pats Cloud on the head )
Cloud: This is so stupid...
Crewman: That does it! ( Holds up a huge picture of Sephiroths face )
Cloud:
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! SEPHIROTH!! NO!!! ( Falls to the floor,
clutching
his head )
Rude: ...........................Uh.......
Cloud: *Sniff* ...I...am...who? Who am I? AAARGH!!
Rude: There...there...?
Cloud: ( Sits up, tears in his eyes ) Can..can I have a hug...?
Rude: ........ ( Leans over and reluctantly gives Cloud a hug )
Cloud: M-mommy...? Is..that you, mommy?
Rude: Uh...no....
Cloud:
MOMMY!!! ( Rips Rude's shirt open and begins sucking on his
nipple
like a child trying to nurse )
Rude:
............. ( A smile slowly finds it's way to his face as
he pats
Cloud's head again )
( The camera moves back to Tseng )
Tseng: ( Staring at the monitor, his jaw dropped ) Uh....... Palmer?
( The
scene switches to Palmer, who is standing in the middle of Cosmo Canyon
)
Palmer:
Hey-hey!! I'm here at the famed Cosmo Canyon, where the sky
is really
red all the time for no apparent reason! Today I am covering a
special
interest story... Santa Clause Tourette's Syndrom!
Red XIII: ( Walks up to Palmer, weeping ) Grandfather....
Palmer:
HEY-HEY!! Doggy! You're the..uh...GRANDSON of that old man
with
Santa Clause Tourette's Syndrom, right?!
Red XIII: Yes...and his name is Bugenhagen....
Palmer: Sooo, how does it feel to know your grandpa is a loonypoo?
Red XIII: GRRR!!! ( Leaps on palmer and begins mauling him )
Cid: ( Suddenly appears on camera ) Is this thing rollin'?
Barret: ( Pops up behind Cid ) I thank so...
Cid: Barret...pull
my finger... ( Extends his hand to Barret, the
index
finger pointed outward )
Barret: Hehehehehehehe.. ( Grabs Cid's finger and pulls )
( Silence......... )
Cid & Barret: .......................................
***BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPP!!!!***
Cid & Barret: ( Dash away, giggling )
( The shot swings back to Tseng )
Tseng:
That was...abnormal. We now bring you another look at the
ongoing
Shinra Annual Employee Picnic. Here's Reno.
( Scene
fades back to that black and barren field again, now with about 5
dead
bodies scattered about )
Reno:
It seems the picnic is winding down now. Any comments,
President
Rufus?
Rufus:
( Standing there with that sunhat on still, but now a
misquito
net dangles over his face, a flyswatter in one hand ) Yes. I'd like
to say
that even though I've lost a few loyal employees on this outing... (
He raises
the shotgun and blasts a hole through the abdomen of another
unhappy
looking employee ) ...I think we all had a good time. Didn't we?
( All but one employee answer... that one employee soon finds himself dead )
Rufus:
Glad you all agree with me. I think we'll head on inside now..
It's
getting late. ( He spots a bug on Reno's face and empties a can of "Off"
onto
Reno's head, causing him to pass out ) Good. Little boogers. ( He then
steps
up into his helicopter which takes off toward the Shinra Building far
off in
the distance )
Reno:
*Cough* Ugh..er..back..to you...Tseng... *Sneeze* ( Passes
out )
( Back to Tseng we gooooooo )
Tseng:
Thank you one and all. This has been another addition of
Shinra
TV. Until next time, I'm Tseng, signing off.
Heidegger: GYA HA HA!!!
( The scene fades to black )
Stay tuned
for the next episode of Shinra TV!
The
End
Episode
III
Rocket
Town Garage Sale
( The
Shinra logo flashes onscreen, lighting up homes all over the planet,
inducing
a few seizures in the process. The xylophone theme plays and ends on
a sour
note as Heidegger flops on after the logo fades )
Heidegger:
GYA HA!! Welcome to another edition of Shinra TV! Today we'll be
covering
such stories as President Rufus' new line of hair gel, the Mister T
disease
known as "Sucka Foo'", and the Rocket Town Garage Sale! Now here's
your
anchorman, Tseng! GYA HA!
Tseng: ( Tseng appears ) Thanks, Heidy...
Heidegger: ( From off-camera ) DON'T CALL ME THAT!! GYA!!
Tseng:
...and welcome, citizens. Before we begin all
those...interesting--and
I use that term loosely--stories, let's get the
weather
report from Elena.
Elena:
( Appears onscreen, the large map of the Planet lit up behind her
) Thanks,
Tseng! Today we will be having another normal cloudy, smoggy day.
The seas
will be choppy and the humidity will make it seem 123 degrees in
Midgar!
A few degrees lower in the slums, of course, but who really cares
about
those "people"? Back to you, Tseng.
Tseng:
( Reappears onscreen ) Thanks Elena. And for your reference, the
people
in the slums do have televisions. And for the people in the slums'
reference,
Elena's address is 2234 Shinra Complex C-2, Midgar Sector 0.
Elena: ( Offscreen ) AAAAAAAAIIIEEEE!!!!! Tseng...!!!
Tseng:
And now onto our first story. Reno is covering the new line of
hair
gel which is sweeping the Planet. Rufus Shinra's "My Hair is Godly And
You Should
Respect It, You Loser", gel. Reno?
Reno:
( The scene switches to that of Rufus' office on the 70th floor
of the
Shinra Building ) Yo! Reno here, covering the fastest growing line of
Hair
Gel since Rufus' "You Couldn't Have Hair That Looked Like Mine Even If
You Bought
500 Cases Of This Hair Gel" gel. Of course, due to bad
marketting--duh--the
sales fell short and Rufus decided to nix the project,
up 'til
now. Here's the man of the hour, Rufus Shinra.
Rufus:
( Seated at his desk with a box of his new gel in front of him )
Hello.
I am here to promote my new hair gel, "My Hair Is Godly And You Should
Respect
It, You Loser", gel. The most high-tech, revolutionized hair gel of
all time.
Reno: Can you open it up and show us how it works?
Rufus:
Uh...I didn't think you were going to ask that...can't it be a
surprise?
Reno:
If it is, I won't have a story. Just open the damn box and show
us!
Rufus:
.....You're being lynched after this, I assure you...Fine. (
Opens
the box and pulls out a small water spritzer, a blue plastic comb, and
a peice
of aged cheese )
Reno:
..What the hell is all that about? I can understand the water
thing
and the comb, but cheese?!
Rufus:
Yes. You wet your hair with the spritzer, comb it...then rub the
cheese
on your folicles.
Reno: What's the point of the cheese treatment?
Rufus:
....We ran out of ideas for cheap things to put in the kit, so we
just
threw some cheese in at the last second to make it seem more worth the
money,
okay?!
Reno: So your new line of hair gel is a scam?
Rufus: ( Raises his shotgun, aiming it at Reno ) That does it..!
Reno: ARGH!! Tseng!! HELP!! AAHH!! PUT THAT CAMERA DOWN AND--
***KA-BLAM***
( The
screen goes blank as the shot rings out )
Tseng:
( Reading an article in, "Hunky Long Black Hair Magazine" ) Huh?
Oh, we're
back already? Thanks, Reno. Now here's Rude with a report on the
Mister
T disease, "Sucka Foo'".
Rude:
( Sitting in a small white chair, wearing a little pink bonnet on
his bald
head and holding a small cup of tea in one hand, his microphone in
the other
) ....Thanks, Tseng. I'm here with Marlene Wallace....daughter of
Barret
Wallace, who has the Sucka Foo' disease....
Marlene: Do you want some more tea, Mister Rude?!
Rude: ..Uh..sure.. thanks.
Marlene:
( Pours Rude some imaginary tea into his little yellow cup )
You're
welcome! Would you like some tea, Pooky-Wookums? ( Pours the Mako Bear
some
tea as well )
Rude:
Anyway...I'm waiting for Mister Wallace now, who went out to buy
some
gold chains.... As you may guess, he has fallen into an extreme stage of
this
potentially fatal disease...
Barret:
( Smashes in through the window, his hair made into a mowhawk,
chains
hanging from his neck, his hands covered in rings ) What da' hell be
goin'
on in here?!
Rude: Hello, Mister Wallace..I'm Rude...from Shin--
Barret:
Izzat you, Murdock?! Come on, foo'! We gotta go save da'
Colonel!!
( Grabs Rude by the shoulder and tosses him out the window, his
little
bonnet flying from his bald head )
Rude: AAAAAAAHHHH......!!!!! ***CRASH***
Barret:
YEAH!! I PITY DA' FOO' WHO MESS WIT' MISTAH B!! SUCKA!! WHO'RE
YOU?!
ARGH!! ( Grabs the camera and smashes it over his knee )
Tseng:
( After a few seconds of static, appears onscreen. He is now
filing
his fingernails ) Huh..? Oh! Why are all our reports ending so quickly
today?
Well, anyway... Here is our final story for today. The annual Rocket
Town
Garage Sale began today. Palmer is on location now.
Palmer: ( His big fat mug appears onscreen ) HEY-HEY!!!
( One
loud scream echoes across the Planet, as every Shinra TV viewer howls
in terror
)
Cameraman#1:Er...sorry....the
zoom was stuck... ( Zooms out, away from
Palmers
face )
Palmer:
Anywho, I'm here in Rocket Town covering the Garage sale! Let's
go over
to this guys pile of crap first!! Hey-hey! What's all this garbage,
and why
should I buy it?
Joke Teller: Garbage?!? These are all family heirlooms and antiques!
Palmer: Like this here pile of fake plastic doggy poopies?!
Jake Teller: SON-OF-A-BITCH!! ( Stomps away in a huff )
Palmer:
Well, ooooook---aaay! Let's go over and see Cid Highwinds table!
( Wobbles
over to Cid's table, knocking several people over with his
wide-range
hips )
Shera: Hi, Palmer! How are you?
Palmer:
Hey-hey! I'm hunky dory, Shera! So this is Cid's table?! Mind if
we take
a PEEK-A-ROONIE?!
Shera:
Sure thing. Would you like some tea? I can run inside and make
some.
Palmer: Oh yes, please! Plenty of sugar, lemon and LARD!!!
Shera: Right! ( Runs inside to make the strage tea )
Palmer:
Hey! Look at all the Dukes of Hazzard memorabilia! I didn't think
Cid would
part with all this! ( Picks up a small model of the General Lee and
a Hazzard
County Sherriff car model with action Rosco P. Coltraine doll
inside
) WEEE!!! DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DOOOO!!! HEEE!!
Cid: (
Smacks Palmers face, causing his massive cheeks to begin
wobbling
like Jell-O ) Get yer goddamn paws off that, you damn dirty ape!!
Palmer:
( Cheeks still wobbling ) Hey! Cid?! What'd you do that for?!
Aren't
you selling this stuff anyway?!
Cid: WHAT?!
YOU *#$&)@#$ING CRAZY?!?! This is all Shera's doing!! Now
git!!
Git on outta here!!
Palmer:
( Cheeks are still wobbling ) Okay, okay! Hey! What's this?
Pantyhose?
HAHAHAHA!! Cid wears pantyhose!!
Cid: WHAT THE #%$&^?! I DO NOT!! THOSE ARE SHERA'S YOU NUMBSKULL!!
Palmer:
Nuh-uh!! They're yours!! I broke a real story for once!!! CID
HIGHWIND
WEARS PANTYHOSE!!!
Citizens Of RT:HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Cid: THAT
DOES IT!!! YOU HAVE BROKEN THE MOTHER #(*$#ING PISSED OFF
METER
WITH ME, MISTER FAT-ASS %&$*#!!!!
Palmer:
Don't say fa-- ( Palmer was cut off as Cid rammed the pantyhose,
along
with a 8" Tom Wopat Action Bow N' Arrow© Doll down his gullet. As
Palmer
falls, causing a minor earthquake, the camera switches back to Tseng )
Tseng:
Thanks, Palmer. That's all for this edition of Shinra TV. I hope
you all
got your money's worth, because our program costs you tax payers a
good
million gil bi-monthly. So long!!
Heidegger: Stay tuned next time for more Shinra TV!! Goodnight, Midgar!
( The
camera fades out, only to fade in seconds later, showing the Midgar
skyline.
The camera pans up and back, catching a glimpse of a rather angry
looking
mob, ascending from the slums and onto Shinra Complex C-2, Midgar
Sector
0 )
THE
END
Shinra
T.V.
Episode
IV
Shinra TV Emergency Announcement
[ During
the middle of a normal broadcast day, the Shinra TV logo suddenly
appears
on television screens all over the planet, abruptly putting a halt to
the 78
hour long, "How to Grab that Fiesty Fannie", marathon, hosted by Don
Corneo.
Heidegger's big fat, bearded and sweaty face appears soon after. ]
Heidegger:
Gya! Hello, citizens! I am General Heidegger! We interrupt this
program
for an important news announcement! So keep tuned in! Or else we'll
track
you down and KILL you! Trust me, we have the technology to do so! Now,
here's
Tseng!
Tseng:
Thanks, Heidegger. Today all of Midgar is in panic! A giant
creature
known as Molybdenite WEAPON is approaching the Megalopolis city! We
take
you outside the city of Midgar now, with Reno, who is covering this
breaking
story!
Reno:
[ Appears on camera ] Right! I'm here outside of Midgar, facing
the Northern
sea! As you can see over here.. there is a GIANT WEAPON slowly
approaching
Midgar! This WEAPON has been deemed, "Molybdenite" Weapon. Who
the HELL
comes up with these names?? Anyway, it seems that the terrorist
group,
AVALANCE is now approaching the WEAPON in a small, makeshift boat. Why
not the
Highwind, you ask? I spoke to Mister Cloud Strife earlier! Here's the
tape!
[ Tape rolls ]
Reno:
So, you and your group are going to go try to stop this new
menace?
How will you do it?
Cloud:
Well, we're gonna sail out there in this boat made of cardboard
and hair.
Reno:
Uh, what about the big airship you guys stole a while back?
Wouldn't
that be more effective?
Cloud:
We would use it, but our Pilot, Cid, has gone missing. So it's
this
boat or nothing, I guess. Hey... I think a bird just crapped in my hair..
Do you
know how hard it is to wash this mop without messing up the complexity
of micro-atoms
that systematically keeps it in this suave shape? Man..this is
really
pissing me off. I'm gonna take this out on that WEAPON for sure..
[ End Tape ]
Reno:
So you see, that is why they are sailing to their deaths.. I
mean,
going to save us in that boat! I'll be back with more as this story
developes!
Tseng?
Tseng:
[ Pops back on Camera ] All righty. Well, AVALANCHE is not the
only
ones trying to stop this WEAPON. We take you live, via Satellite to the
office
of Rufus Shinra, who is really just a few floors above us, but he's
too lazy
to take the elevator down here. Mister President?
[ A camera
lowers from the ceiling, and lights up, the visage of Rufus
appearing
]
Rufus:
I heard that 'lazy' comment, Mister Man. I expect to see you in
my office
later. I cannot abide that kind of insubordination.
Tseng:
Sir, please. There's a WEAPON heading for us. What do you plan to
do?
Rufus:
Well, we still have that really big Cannon set up from before.
Since
everythings been repaired, I assume it's operational. We'll just fire
that
at the WEAPON.
Tseng: Sir, do you recall what happened last time we used that Cannon?
Rufus:
Not to worry, my silken-haired friend. I have ordered several
SOLDIERs
to use Scotch Guard on the windows of the Shinra Building. There
should
be no problems.
Tseng:
Scotch guard..? Oh man... uh, well, what about if the WEAPON
counter
attacks!? Remember that?
Rufus:
The chances of that happening again are one in a million. We'll
be far
too fast for it this time.
Tseng:
...I see. Well, we'll call you back as the WEAPON approaches, and
we're
ready to fire. See you then. Now, we will take a break from this
report,
and send you over to another story while we compile more information
here.
Rude is in the field covering a Racketeering Operation. The sale and
trade
of small, foreign animals. Here he is now.
Rude:
[ Appears onscreen, riding in the back of a small, hay-covered
truck
] Uh.. *Cough*.. here I am. I have been tracking a mastermind of black
trade.
Small foreign animals for 5 gil each. Very cunning he is. Uh..wait,
this
isn't the right truck. [ Hops out of the hay-wagon and runs over to a
van with
the words, "Señore Pizza", written on the side ] Okay, this is it..
Inside
this truck are, not Pizza's, but very small animals up for
black-market
trade. It seems Señore Pizza is away from his truck now...let's
peek
inside...
Man in Sombrero: HEY!? What the *%&)#@ are you doing!?
Rude: Uh...I just wanted to...smell the pizza!
Man in
Sombrero: Oh. Well...you CAN'T! [ Kicks Rude's ass away from the
van,
hops in, and peels off down the road ]
Rude:
Owie...hmm, I'll catch up with him! But in the meantime, here's
some
hidden camera footage we recorded of Señore Pizza making a sale!
[ Tape Rolls ]
Man in Sombrero: Okay..that'll be five gil for this...uh..Gloopernadda.
Rufus:
Gloopernadda? This looks like a baby chocobo with small twigs
taped
to it's head to represent antlers.
Man in Sombrero: Oh, that's just it's..uh, natural defense mechanism.
Rufus: Oh? Amazing. I swear this is tape. Look, it even peels off.
Man in
Sombrero: HEY!? Stoppit!! Don't damage the merchandise! Uhm..4 gil
then.
Rufus: You look familiar. Are you sure we haven't met before?
Man in
Sombrero: Uhm..I don't think so. [ The wind suddenly blows his fake
mustache
and sombrero away ] Uh-oh...
Rufus: YOU!! I knew it!! Guards!! GUARDS!!
Cid: OH
SHIT!! I'm gettin' the hell outta here!! [ Hops in his van and
peels
off down the road ]
[ End Tape ]
Rude:
So you see, Señore Pizza is really Captain Cid Highwind! I'm on
his tail
now... [ Rude is pedaling a tricycle down the road, half a mile
behind
Cid's slow-moving van ] I'll report back ASAP! Back to you, Tseng!
Tseng:
The WEAPON is right on top of us!! We go to Palmer who is
standing
by on the Sister Ray, which is near maximum power!! Palmer!?
Palmer:
Hey-hey! I'm here with Professor Haji on the Sister Ray, which is
about
to go "BOOOOM!" You can see this big, white thing in the distance. I
think
that's the WEAPON thingy, and here are some shiney buttons and lights.
This
is really neato!
Hojo:
Please..stay out of my way.. this is a very delicate operation.
Only
I know how to handle this delicate equipment.
Palmer: Ooo~kay, Haji. Say, aren't you Johnny Quests arabian sidekick!?
Hojo: First off..my name is Hojo. Professor Hojo...
Palmer: Where's your turbin? That thing is so fasionable!
Hojo: Quiet!! We're almost up to 100%! Engaging Radar System!
Tseng:
[ Reappears onscreen, Rufus still on the dangling TV screen ]
Mister
President, can you tell us what's about to happen??
Rufus:
Yes. We're about to fire that mighty large cannon at Molybdenite
WEAPON.
It should be destroyed fairly quickly.
Tseng: I see. Say, what's that?
Rufus:
This? It's my pet, Gloopernadda! I got it from a mexican/italian
fellow
who turned out to be Cid Highwind. It was free.
Tseng: Looks like a chocobo with fake antlers.
Rufus: How dare you speak to Pooky-Wookums #2 like that!!
Tseng: You named him after your bear?
Rufus: Just...leave me for now.. I must...reflect on past events...
Tseng: Riiiiiight...back to Palmer.
Palmer:
Okay! The big white thing is really close now! People are
screaming
and running around! Haji won't say, "Johnny!", for me, and I am
sad!
I think I'll have some tea!
Hojo:
Please exercise caution while drinking that tea here. I must
again
stress the delicate nature of this equipment....
Palmer:
Right, right... OOPSIE!! Had a little SPILL over here! What're
all these
sparks for?!
Hojo: You fool!! You've damaged it!! I have no control over anything!!
Palmer:
I thought you were supposed to be smart, Haji!! How could you do
this
to us!?!?! Waaaahhh!!!!
Reno:
[ Suddenly appears onscreen, in position just outside the Midgar
Gate
#5 ] Tseng! Tseng! The WEAPON is right on top of us!! It just crushed my
collection
of rare celebrity body fluids!! But more importantly, if it stays
on this
course, it'll crush the "Big Midgar Bar" as well!! Rude will be
devestated!
The horror!! The horror!! OH, THE HUMANITY!!
Tseng:
[ Reappears ] Good LORD! No!! Why aren't they firing!!?? Mister
President!
Rufus: [ Flashes back on the hanging monitor ] What?
Tseng: The WEAPON is on top of us!! Why haven't they fired!!??
Rufus: They haven't? I asked them to five minutes ago.
Tseng:
You didn't notice the lack of explosions and such? I mean, it's
OBVIOUS
it hasn't been fired yet!
Rufus:
I thought the Scotch Guard was doing it's job... I'll tell them
again.
Palmer:
[ Appears onscreen again ] EEEEEK!!! The big thing is looking at
me!!
Make it go away!!
Heidegger:
HUSH!! Hojo! Make this thing work!! I have to be back on camera
by the
end of the broadcast, and I need time to comb my beard!
Hojo:
I'm trying, General... but this large bafoon has fried it! It's
going
on it's own now!
Palmer: SAVE MEEEEEE, ARGENTIIINAAA!!!!!
Heidegger: IDIOT!! *Smack* MORON! *Smack* FOOL!! *Smack*
Palmer: [ Falls against the control panel, reactiviating it ]
Hojo: Here!! We got it! Good work, General!
Heidegger: Gya!? I mean, GYA! Of course!
Rufus: [ Comes in over the intercom ] ...Fire!
Hojo: Firing....!!!!
[ The
Shinra TV Sky Copter circles Midgar, as each reactor explodes into
action,
spewing smog into the sky, the mako energy travelling through pipes
toward
the main cannon feed, just before all goes black ]
Rufus:
[ Stumbles around in his office ] I can't...see! Where's my
comb..?
Tseng: Please stand by...
Palmer:
I'm scared of the dark! Hold me!! [ Scoops up Hojo and hugs him
to his
breasts ]
Hojo: Mmmmph!!!
Heidegger: Gya...!?
Reno: Elena! I have something to tell you, in case this doesn't work.....
Elena: Yes??
Reno: ..I know you took my Twizzlers. But I forgive you...kinda.
Elena: What!?!
Reno: It's just..I really love licorice...
Elena: Tch! Typical!! [ Slaps Reno around ]
Reno: Ow!?!? Hey!!
Rude:
[ Still pedaling down the dusty road, looking off in the distance
at Midgar
] I always miss the good stuff...
Cid: [
Cruising down the road, a few yards ahead of Rude ] Man, Rufus
is such
a dope.. "Gloopernadda", oh man. I mean, come on.
[ The
Cannon suddenly fires, sending a stream of powerful Mako hurtling
through
the night sky toward Molybdenite WEAPON ]
Molybdenite:
Uh..what's this? Hey! This doesn't look friendly at all! [
Pulls
out his Super Mack Daddy Gun-Ray-Sword and fires it at Midgar, just as
the Mako
beam plows through him, demolishing the WEAPON ]
Tseng:
We got the power back!! Hey, it's attacking!! Duck and cover!! [
Dives
beneath his desk ]
Rufus: [ Stares out his window, emotionless ]
Heidegger: We got 'im sir! But it's countered!
Rufus: [ Continues staring out his window ]
Heidegger:
Sir!? Oh no! You're not going to try to die honerably again! For
God's
sake! Run! It's okay to run!
Rufus:
Huh? What? Oh, sorry, I just spaced out. It's attacking you say?
Well,
hell yeah I'm gonna run! [ Turns tail and dives down the staircase to
floor
69, just as an energy blast smashes into floor 70, destroying it ]
Tseng:
[ Crawls from beneath his desk ] Well, it seems that the worst is
over...and
what do you know? The Scotch Guard worked! Um, anyway, this is
Tseng,
signing off!
Heidegger:
Tune in next time for more Shinra TV! We take you now to our
regular
programming schedule.
Rude: Wait! My report isn't over!!!
Heidegger:
Gya! Too bad! We're all too tired to continue that! We were just
attacked
here!
Rude: Fine....
[ And
so the, "How to Grab That Fiesty Fannie", marathon with Don Corneo
resumed,
and Midgar was safe again, thanks to Shinra ]
[ Meanwhile, in the middle of the ocean on a small cardboard boat... ]
Cloud: Okay! I think the WEAPON is over this way...
Barret:
Crazy foo'! The WEAPON is over in THAT direction and Shinra jus'
destroyed
it! 'Dis was a total waste! Now I gots seaweed in muh gunarm!
Tifa: I know..and I'm all wet over here...
Cloud: [ Stares at Tifa's chest ]
Red XIII: Oh, please... [ Bites down on Clouds foot ]
Cloud: YEEEEEEK!!! [ Falls over into the water ]
Vincent:
Cid was smart to not come with us this time...but I still don't
understand
the reason he had all those small animals and that van...
Cloud:
Hey!! [ Climbs back onto the boat ] Be careful!! You almost made
me drown
my Gloopernadda!
All: Oh
BROTHER!!!
The End
of Shinra TV - Episode IV