Why? Why did it have to be me? Why did it have to be him? Why did he have to die? The questions swamped my brain. Why. That seemed to be the key word now in the charred remains of this mountain town. Why did Sephiroth burn it to the ground, killing nearly every civilian? This from a man who was always so gentle with me? Who used to cradle my head in the back of his strong hand as he gently thrust into my trembling body? This same man committed a horrible crime and then died? I knew him too well to let this sit right. Sephiroth, the man I had called master, the man I worshipped and adored but never loved, he had sinned horribly.
 
     And now he was dead.

    The words hit my ears like nuclear explosions.

    "Sephiroth's dead."

    Inside I was already weeping, inconsolable. The world around me faded out as a part of me died. I had modeled aspects of my life based on his example. Now he went and did this....and die? The man I had known would never do this. The man I had slept with for so many years and held me in his arms whispering sweet words in my ear would never take lives in such a senseless manner. I had been a student of his, a friend of his and even a lover. I had spent three years of my life by his side almost constantly. Something terrible must have happened to drive him to such insanity.

    But the bigger picture was that he was *dead*, and I never got to say good-bye.
 

       God I feel like hell tonight


    I didn't want to be in the remains of Nibelheim right now. Not on this cool autumn day where the air smelled of death and ashes and where everyone was confused.

    Hojo, Scarlet, Reeve, Reno and myself were all here. We were all part of this. I knew not what Hojo planned, only that he called it the Nibelheim Project and Reeve was going to assist.

    Reeve. My Reeve. Heh, I could hardly call him mine. But in my condition, where my mind and soul were in shattered pieces, I didn't see how even my part time lover and full time friend could rebuild my crumbled state.

    I let it all crash when we reached our room. Stumbling towards the bed I was completely blinded by my own weeping. I didn't make it, and I fell to my knees, crying down to the floor.

    "Tseng!" I heard the door slam and within moments I felt Reeve's hands on my back and sliding around my waist. "What's the matter with you?"

    My voice was too choked to reply.
 

    Tears of rage I cannot fight


    "Tseng." He turned me in his arms, sitting me back against the bed. I covered my face with my hands, ashamed at how hard I was crying. I just couldn't stop. "What's the matter? Tseng? Tseng?!" Reeve took me firmly by the shoulders, shaking me slightly "Tseng, get it together! It's Sephiroth, isn't it? About him being dead."

    Dead. Sephiroth. My tears only fell harder.
 

I'll be the last to help you understand


    "Tseng, come on!"

    There was no way I could answer.

    Reeve turned to actions instead of words. Taking both my hands in his he squeezed gently, and I returned it with some of my rapidly draining energy.
 

Are you strong enough to be my man?


    "Talk to me," he encouraged gently.

    I shook my head. No I couldn't. Why? I thought foggily. Why must I lose everyone close to me? He would never do this!! Never! So then.... Why did he?

    "Come on. Tseng.... It helps to talk. Come on."

    It's all wrong. I can't make you understand why I'm crying this hard, Reeve. I can't make you understand *me*.
 

Nothing's true and nothing's right


    Reeve went to embrace me, but I couldn't accept his affections. Instead I stood, falling face down on the bed. I balled my fists as I wept, holding chunks of the comforter for support. The weight shifted as Reeve sat besides me, and I felt him ever so gently rub his hand up and down my back.

    I didn't want him to touch me, but somehow I couldn't help relaxing under his soothing touch.

    You can't leave me alone, can you, Reeve?
 

So let me be alone tonight


    "Tseng." Once again he spoke my name, then turned me onto my back. "Tseng..." The hand that stroked my back now stroked my chest. "You always liked talking to me when something bothered you. So tell me, is it Sephiroth?"

    "Sephiroth." I choked the name out with a sob.

    He ran nimble fingers through my hair. "Hmn. Want to talk about it?"

    "Reeve." I put my hands on his lower arms, holding him still. "Sephiroth," I sniffed.

    "I know he meant a lot to you," my love said. "I'm willing to listen, if you're willing to talk."

    But really, truly, I did not want to talk about it. I couldn't. Not in the way my heart needed to.
 

    Cause you can't change the way I am


    Reeve leaned forward, pressing his cheek to mine. "It's all horrible, isn't it?" Slowly he took both my hands in his once again.

    I didn't answer.

    "Tseng..." He pressed his body to mine, and I instantly relaxed. "Come on." He shifted, a hand sliding under my jacket. Reeve undressed me, then himself. Then he lay against me again, skin sliding against skin. I sighed and went limp beneath him. "Tseng..." his voice was breathy and warm in my ear. "My dear Tseng...."
 

Are you strong enough to be my man?


    He kissed me, exploring my body with his hands and lips. I just kept crying. Not because I didn't want it, but because I never wanted it to end...
 

Lie to me


    Our lips touched.

    "Reeve," I whispered, voice shaky at the feel of his leg between mine. "Tell me.... Tell me he isn't dead."

    Hair was pushed back from my face, and my friend pressed a kiss to my forehead.
 

    I promise I'll believe


    "Reeve," I pleaded with my eyes and my voice, grabbing his upper arms with a trembling grip. "Reeve, tell me."

    "Tseng," he whispered, lips trailing down the side of my face. "Don't do that to yourself."

    Gritting my teeth together in discomfort, I dug my nails into my friend's arms. "Ah... But Reeve..." I just can't help myself.
 

    Lie to me


    Sweat slicked skin pressed and rubbed against each other in the dark, stretched to full length. His hands were on my hips, or in my hair, or wound tightly around me. I cried silently, so glad to be in this moment with him, sharing such intimacy. Reeve kissed my tears away, whispering to me about how it would all be okay, how soft my skin was and how beautiful I was to him.

    "Reeve... Reeve...." I gasped his name, taking his face in my hands. "Don't go away. Please. Please..."

    A stray tear was wiped from my eye and his face came to rest besides me. "I'll never go away from you. Don't worry."

    But I couldn't stop...
 

    But please don't leave


    He held me tight, my body right against his. I wrapped my arms around him, head buried in his shoulder. His hands danced over my spine, and I couldn't stop the flood of fresh tears.

    Gods, why must I lose everyone important to me? My family... Bryatt... And Sephiroth.... My gods, Sephiroth, I never thought I'd have to add you to this list. You were so strong. I held onto Reeve as tightly as I could. I won't let Reeve go. He's too precious to me. If he dies.... Oh god no, no, no. Reeve... Oh, I'm so scared to lose you, Reeve. Just like all the others. Oh god. Whatever happens between us, just let me die first.
 

I have a face I cannot show


    We didn't speak that night.. Reeve didn't try to force me, and I wasn't offering any words of my own. He simply held my body to his, letting me wet his shoulder with my weeping. As I finally drifted off to sleep, I felt him kiss the top of my head. Oh Reeve. I'd sell my soul to keep you forever.
 

I make the rules up as I go.


    It was all darkness. There wasn't a soul to be seen. I cried their names. "Mom, Dad, Cari, Leven, Bryatt, Sephiroth, Reeve!" But there was no answer. Yelling for Reeve I ran around frantically, searching for some sign of life. There was none. It was as if the planet itself had just disintegrated, and I was the only one left for eternity.

    I woke up screaming.
 

It's try and love me if you can


    "What, Tseng?!" Reeve spoke frantically, sitting up with me.

    "There was no one left!" I covered my eyes as I tried to hold back the tears I knew would come. "No one!"

    His arms held me from the back, his chest against my back. Tseng, I'm here. It's all right. I won't leave you. It was just a dream, darling, that's all."

    Darling? I turned in his arms, my body still trembling. Slowly I touched his face. "Reeve... Angel... I love you."

    I one swift movement he held me tightly against him, and I sighed as we laid down again.

    "I'm sorry," I apologized.

    "Don't apologize," he told me gently. "There's absolutely nothing for you to be sorry about."
 

Are you strong enough to be my man


    The next morning I reported in and was given the one assignment I wasn't sure I could manage.

    I was to inspect the charred remains of Nibelheim.

    Ever since I was a child I had feared fire. I was terrified of it. My family had perished in one. Every time I smelled burning wood the terrible memories came flooding back and I would vomit. How could I look at these remains and keep from crying?

    Instead I just nodded, and head for my destination with quick footsteps. I let the Turk oath play in my head. Turks don't cry.

When I've shown you that I just don't care

    I stopped and stared when I saw it. For the first time in my years as a Turk I couldn't move, I couldn't shake it off and I couldn't take it.

    "You all right?"

    I turned to see Reeve had followed me out here. My eyes hardened. "I'm fine."

    He stepped towards me. "I just thought---"

    I waved him away with my arm, moving further into the debris. "Just leave me alone. I have a job to do."

    Reeve stood still, simply staring at me. "Good luck."

    Without a word I turned away from him. I'll need it.
 

When I'm throwing punches in the air


    I couldn't take it. All I could remember was my own house reduced to nothing. I could remember the smell of my own family's burnt flesh. And I could remember that it was own friend who had done this.

    And for the first time I let my mask drop. Tears stinging my eyes, I stumbled into the woods to hide awhile. I was ashamed. What a weak Turk I was. Such a poor example. Couldn't even do his own job without crying forbidden tears.

    It only made me cry harder.

    My knees to my chest, I leaned against a tree to let out my pain. I rocked as I cried, wanting to forget. Wanting to go home. Just like a little kid.

    The next thing I knew someone's arms went around me. I didn't know how he had seen where I had run off to, but I knew just who it was. "Oh, Reeve...."

    "Tseng... I saw you run off." There was a pause. "Are you sure you want to stay on this assignment? I could convince the President to send Rude instead."

    "No," I said firmly, despite my tears, gritting my teeth together. "I have to do *whatever* is asked of me." No matter if... It doesn't matter if

    His face nuzzled mine, and he said nothing. I didn't need him to.
 

When I'm broken down and I can't stand


    That night I shed my tears again, and my friend held me. All I could do was imagine were those poor people screaming then choking and suffocating on the smoke that my friend was the cause of.

    I don't think Reeve could fully understand my pain, but he didn't complain as I held him for hours weeping, digging my fingers into his toned flesh. He stroked my hair and remained silent, comforting me without a word.
 

    Will you be strong enough to be my man?


    My eyes were bereft of tears when I looked up at him, body trembling. "Thank you, Reeve." I took his hand in mind and squeezed. "I don't know why you're so wonderful, but I'm thankful for it."

    My friend squeezed my hand in return. "It was nothing."

    "Do you...." I was hesitant. "Do you think they died painfully?" My eyes, wide and innocent despite my years, looked up to his.

    Reeve stared straight ahead. "I don't know."
 

Lie to me


    I sighed, pulling my body against his. "What do you want? I'll do anything for you." Forget about it. Put it in the back of your mind.

    My face was cupped in his hands and I bent my head back as he whispered against my lips, "make love to me."

    Our lips fused together and I moaned, balling my hands in his hair and pushing him back. For once I was determined to dominated him, to really mark him as my own instead of yielding to him till it was time to fuck.

    I straddled him, hands pressed tightly to his chest as he lay back against the pillows. "Reeve... Tell me you love me. Even though it's a lie. I want to hear it."

    "Tseng--" he began, but I put a finger to his lips.

    "I need to hear it. Please, Reeve." I lowered my body to his, sucking at his neck. "Tell me, Reeve. Gods..."

 
    I promise I'll believe


    "Tseng..." he gasped as my lips slid down the front of his neck. "Tseng, I love you. Gods I love you. I love you so much."

    Ah, exquisite lies, music to my forlorn ears. He was so free with the words, I almost believed him.

    "Ah.... Yes.... Tseng.... Love...." He gasped as I sucked as his collarbone. "Love, oh, love."

    My fantasy was so good, so complete, I could almost forget Nibelheim.
 

    Lie to me


    Fresh tears trickled down my cheeks as I claimed his lips again. I wasn't sure if I was crying because I was sad, happy, angry upset or overjoyed. All I knew was that I couldn't let Reeve leave me like all the others had done. And as I sank into his trembling body and held there, I was still weeping.

    "Love... Love..." He maintained his lies as he brushes my tears away. "Are you all right?"

    I didn't know whether to shake my head or nod. I didn't know what I was thinking. Burying my head in his shoulder I was overcome with crying once more. It was as if the world had run out on me, and Reeve was my only remnant. "Nothing," I whispered, lips poised over his. "Just hold me. And pretend to love me. And don't let go. Not until we have to part, whenever that may be."
 

But please don't leave

~Owari~

Back