|
|
by: Shell
“The Hottie in The Iron Mask”
“And another thing!” President Rufus Shinra continued to rail, “how come
this Cloud guy is still alive?”
Reno shrugged and took a long sip from his flask, Elena rolled her eyes,
and Rude made an odd growling sound low in his throat.
“You guys kinda suck,” he added. “You're supposed to be the best, and Sephiroth
is still roaming free!”
He expects us to compete with Sephiroth? Rude thought to himself. Not likely.
And this impetuous young ruler was really getting on his nerves. There
had to be a way out of this.
“I’m telling Heidegger to cut your wages until you shape up.”
“But I need that money! I need it support my expensive alcoholism!” Reno
complained.
“Then I’ll be seeing results, won’t I?” Rufus challenged.
Rude and Reno exchanged looks. It was time.
“Gee, President Rufus sure got mean,” Elena griped. “His father was nicer.
Heidegger is nicer!”
Reno nodded. “His brother is nicer.”
Elena paused. “Brother?”
Rude nodded. “You’re not supposed to know about this, Elena, but a long
time ago, Rufus’s brother Seymour was taken away and placed under arrest
so that his evil brother Rufus would be heir.”
“Seymour?” Elena giggled.
“That’s right. And the best part is, they’re twins!”
Reno grinned. “I think we finally have a way to get rid of this stupid
leader.”
Their com clicked.
“This
is President Rufus! Report to my office! I’m having another parade in honor
of myself, and I need you all to dress up as some of our corporate sponsors.
Reno, how do you feel about dressing like a french maid? Never mind, just
come up to my office and I’ll have you fitted for the fishnets.”
“Ack!” Reno cried. “That’s it! We’re going to ‘Doomsday Prison’ tonight
and getting our Seymour back!”
“SELPHIE AND THE BUNNY VILLAGE”
Selphie was skipping outside the Garden happily. She liked to skip. Skipping
was something that came naturally to Selphie, and not many things came
naturally to Selphie. It had taken her years to become even mildly tolerable….and
she was still struggling with that.
“Oh my!” Selphie giggled (she was also a very good giggler), “are those
bunnies?”
Sure enough, two annoyingly cute rabbits perched at the top of a hill,
sitting and looking very annoyingly cute.
“I must bring them back to Garden! Everyone there will love them, except
Squall,” she continued to squeal. She snatched the two bunnies before they
could flee and skipped back to Garden singing a lively tune about flowers
and rainbows and friendship.
“Treize’s Crazy Not Drugged Up Trip”
Colonel Treize was a very dignified man. No one could argue with that.
His belt always matched his shoes, and he never changed his facial expression.
He was a very, very dignified man. So dignified, in fact, that it caused
Lady Une to change sexes at the mere mention of his name.
Lady Une, trying to suck up, helped Treize out of his plane. Naturally,
Treize struck a pose at the top of the landing.
“Mr. Treize,” Lady Une muttered, trying to rub against him, “I have your
bath prepared for you sir.” She turned and whispered, “And Puddles T. Duck
has anxiously awaited your arrival as well.”
Treize nodded neutrally. “Thank you, Lady Une.” he tried to toss his cape
over his shoulder elegantly, but instead it flipped over his head, simultaneously
destroying his carefully styled hair.
“Ack!” Treize cried, tripping forward.
Lady
tried to catch him, but became so flustered at the thought of touching
him that she changed sexes three times and then dissolved into a fit of
mannish giggles.
Treize lurched forwards, trying to lean back to stop himself, but instead
he lost his balance and toppled down the remaining steps, hitting his pretty
little head on the bottom.
“Your Excellency!” Lady Une sobbed, rushing to his side. “Oh no! Are you
all right?!”
Treize was out cold.
“What have I done?! How can I live with myself?!” she cried.
Treize groaned and shook his head.
“Ah! You’re still alive! Thanks be!” she cried happily, hugging and efficiently
smothering him.
“Umo ehropdi hoen!” he gasped.
“Oh! Your Excellency! You’re speaking gibberish!” she sobbed.
Treize shook his head. “Hey, chick! Get off me!”
Lady Une frowned and looked down at her love. “Sir?”
He shook his head again. “How’s a guy to breathe? Back off!”
She blushed. “Yessir. Okay sir.” She stepped back. “I’m so sorry Your Excellency.
I hope you are well?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he replied testily, standing, “but I’m really hungry.
Go make yourself useful and get me a pizza or something.” he looked down.
“What the hell am I wearing? My fraternity brothers will really laugh it
up….”
“Sir? Fraternity brothers?”
He nodded slowly. “Yeah…you a little slow or what? Who are you?”
“You don’t remember me?” she gasped, a tear escaping one eye. “Oh. I’m
Lady Une, you’re…” She was tempted to say ‘wife’ but was afraid of the
consequences when Treize returned to himself, “assistant, sir. You fell
down the stairs. Are you okay? You seem to have lost you memory.”
“I haven’t lost my memory! I know exactly who I am- I’m Teddy ‘the Terminator’
Kushrenada. Someone get me some jeans or something.”
“Jeans? Oh, yessir. I’ll get you some jeans….why don’t you go into your
office. It’s the first one on the right. Just stay in there and…don’t talk
to anyone, okay?”
He shrugged. “Whatever. And the pizza. Don’t forget the pizza.”
She groaned. “Yes, your Excellency.”
“Selphie and The Bunny Village” (cont.)
Selphie showed her new bunny friends to Squall, Quistis, Zell, Nida, and
Seifer. Squall said ‘whatever’, Quistis started sneezing and ran away,
Zell almost knocked the box over trying to show off his karate kicks, Nida
said he was too busy doing important things to look, and Seifer said bunnies
were against Garden rules and threatened to get the disciplinary committee.
“I don’t care what they say, bunny friends,” she sighed. “You’re cute and
I’m keeping you.”
Nida walked by. “By the way, ditz, you named the boy Selphie and the girl
Laguna.”
“Oh, poop!” Selphie moaned. “I can’t change it now, it will only confuse
them!” With a frown she put the box on her shelf and went to go plant a
garden.
“The Hottie In the Iron Mask” (Cont.)
“His cell should be right over here,” whispered Rude. “C’mon Reno!”
In the dark, Reno spun and smacked into the wall. “Dammit!”
“In here,” Rude continued.
Reno groaned. “Ow…this place isn’t very well lit!”
“The door is jammed! Damn! We’ll need some kind of liquid to loosen the
lock.”
“We can use some of Reno’s booze,” Elena suggested.
Reno hid the bottle behind his back. “What booze?”
“C’mon, Reno, we know you don’t go anywhere without booze.”
“But it’s for medicinal purposes!” he protested as Rude grabbed his arms
and Elena expertly plucked it from his grasp. “Aww….” he whined, “This
better be worth it.”
“It will. No more dealing with Rufus’s spoiled whining.” He poured the
precious liquid over the lock. “Hey! It’s working! The rust is melting
away! How strong is this booze? What is this, turpentine?”
Reno shrugged. “What if it is?”
Rude gave a strong push and the door swung open. “Aha!” he cried triumphantly.
“This is it?” Reno asked.
“Yup,” Elena answered.
“Let’s celebrate!” he replied, taking a flask from his jacket.
“Now where did that come from?” Rude whispered, irritated.
“You think I leave the house without a backup stash?”
“Obviously not.”
There was a groan.
“Hello? Seymour?” Elena ventured.
There was a muffled reply. Elena moved forward tentatively. “Rude, come
look at this! Quick!”
Rude jogged over. “A mask? A metal mask? What the hell is that for?”
Reno shrugged. “Maybe he’s damn ugly.”
“How can I get this off? Hm…I just think this lock needs to be loosened….”
Reno began backing up.
“Let’s use Reno’s backup stash!” Elena said, applauding herself for being
so smart.
“No….,” Reno groaned. “C’mon, guys, it’s a Friday night and I’m barely
drunk!”
“Stop whining like Rufus,” Rude replied.
Reno grimaced and handed Rude the flask. He poured it over the clasp. Smoke
appeared and there was an odd hissing sound.
“How can you drink that?” Elena asked in shock.
Reno shrugged and the mask fell to the floor with a clatter.
The man shook his head. “I’m free! You’ve freed me! Wow!”
“Why did you have to wear that in the first place?” Elena asked, picking
it up in wonder.
“Well, my vain brother Rufus has a magic mirror that will tell him who’s
the dopest guy in Shinra. He was sick of hearing my name.” he grinned.
Reno frowned. “Ew, Rufus? No way! I’ve beat him out for every chick ever
since middle school!”
Elena shrugged. “I think he’s handsome.”
“More handsome than me?” Rude asked in horror.
“Uh….yeah…”
“More handsome than me?” Reno asked.
Elena shrugged. “I guess so….”
They stared at her in wonder.
“Chicks are weird,” Reno concluded.
They nodded and turned their attention back to Seymour.
“Thanks for rescuing me, yo. Now I can dethrone my vain brother and rule
Shinra with an iron fist. Muhahahahaha!”
Reno grimaced. “Hey guys…I think all those years in prison have made the
good one kinda bitter.”
“Gya haa haa!” he continued.
The Turks shuddered.
“Ahhhh! Put him back!” Elena shrieked, handing Rude the mask.
“No, he’s got to be better than Rufus….at least to us,” Rude replied. He
helped Seymour up.
“C’mon, let’s get outta here.”
“Can we go to a bar?”
“Shut up, Reno.”
“Treize’s Crazy Not-Drugged-Up Trip” (Cont.)
Treize chomped on his pizza while watching ‘Married-with Children’. He
laughed suddenly and starting choking.
“Your Excellency! Do you need the heimlich?” Une asked nervously.
He shook his head and downed some budweiser. “I’m okay. Back off chick!”
“Uh…Your Excellency-.”
“Teddy. Or Terminator.”
“Right. Um, we’ve finally got all five Gundams in custody, and I’m assuming
you don’t want to interrogate them in this frame of mind-.”
Treize pointed at the screen. “Wait! This is a good part. Watch.” he grinned
and waited.
Someone on screen farted. Treize laughed. “Yeah. That’s some funny stuff.”
he paused and looked up. “You still here? You need to loosen up or something.
I hereby appoint you Chief Enforcer of Partying Down.”
Une grimaced. “Are you serious, sir?”
He nodded. “You can thank me later.”
“Yes sir, but as for the Gundams….”
“Consider it your first duty as Enforcer of Partying Down.”
“I’m afraid I don’t understand sir.”
“Go throw them a party.”
“A party?”
“And not just any party! The most kick ass party they’ve ever been to!
With lots of booze! And a stripper!”
Une stared in horror. “This is your order, sir?”
“For the last time, yes! Just go do that.” He paused and picked up a framed
photo of himself and Zechs. “Whoa! Who’s the hottie? I know this guy? Go
get him. Tell him it’s an order or whatever. Just get his hot ass in here!”
“WuFei’s Birthday Surprise”
“It’s all Doctor J’s fault,” Heero griped, struggling against his bonds.
“If he hadn’t creeped me out with all that clicking, I could have saved
you guys.”
Duo shuddered. “Doctor J….ugh….”
Lieutenant Nikol hissed, “Shut up! Stop talking! Colonel Treize will be
here soon. Then we’ll find out what you’re really doing with the colonies!”
“You’re weak!” WuFei snapped.
“WuFei,” Quatre scolded, trying to nurse his black eye, “insults will only
hurt his self-esteem. Let’s be nice.”
“Bite me,” he muttered. “You’re just lucky I don’t have Nataku.”
“I wonder how they tracked me down at the circus,” Trowa muttered, frowning
down at his costume. “I feel really stupid.”
WuFei closed his eyes. “I can’t even look at you.”
“Scared of clowns?” Duo challenged.
“Shut up, weakling!” WuFei hissed back. “They’re eerie….that’s all.”
“Right,” Duo said with a grin.
“I said shut up!” Nikol yelled.
“Oh, what’re you gonna do? Shoot us? You can’t until Treize talks to us,”
Duo retorted.
Nikol slapped him upside the head.
“I can do that,” Nikol said confidently.
“Ow…,” Duo complained.
“Hey, back off! WuFei will get you!” WuFei challenged.
The pilots sighed.
The door opened and Lady Une entered.
“Oh no,” Trowa muttered, “it’s the crazy woman.”
She narrowed her eyes. “As per Colonel Treize’s orders….Do any of you have
a reason to party?”
They stared back in confusion.
“Well,” Quatre began hesitantly, “Tomorrow’s WuFei’s birthday.”
The soldiers surrounding the group began to laugh.
WuFei kicked Quatre.
“Ow..,” Quatre whined. “Well it is….”
“Wonderful,” Une answered. “Then we’re going to celebrate WuFei’s birthday.”
The guards snickered.
“Guards, you go out and get party hats and cake and…,” she sighed, “…and
a stripper. And some kind of game, like pin the tail on the donkey or something.”
Wufei’s face seemed to be getting redder.
“And don’t forget gifts for him,” she continued. The guards continued to
laugh. She frowned. “What’re you waiting for? That’s Treize’s orders, you
fools! Hurry up and get the things His Excellency requires!”
They exchanged confused looks for a moment, then walked out of the room
with confused mumbles.
She growled to the pilots, “And you’d better all have a real good time.”
“Colonel Une?” Trowa muttered in confusion.
“No…I’m no longer a Colonel,” she said with a blush. “I’m…Chief Enforcer.”
“Chief Enforcer?” Heero murmured. “Of what?”
“Partyingdown,” she muttered quickly, before turning and leaving.
Once they were alone, Duo murmured, “Hey at least the guards left…..hey….did
she say partying down?”
“Selphie And the Bunny Village”(Cont.)
Selphie
returned to her room with a grin. “Hey bunnies! My garden looks really
good! It’s so colorful and pretty! You wanna come see-.” She paused and
frowned. “Bunnies?”
The
shoebox was empty.
“The Hottie In the Iron Mask” (Cont.)
“Now all we have to do is kidnap Rufus and replace him with the good one,”
Rude explained as they approached the palace.
“Then I will rule the world. Kya haa haa!”
“He’s getting worse!” Elena griped as she helped Seymour into the palace.
She shoved him into Reno. “Here, you help him.”
Reno’s new flask was knocked from his hand as Seymour crashed into him.
“Hey! That was good stuff.” He shoved Seymour into Rude.
“Ow! Hey! Stop! That’s it! You’re all getting paycuts,” Seymour warned.
“Just stop laughing,” Rude advised, “it’s freaking Elena out. We’re almost
to Rufus’s office.”
“Can I kick him in the head for spite?” Seymour asked.
“No,” Elena answered. “Can’t you be nice? You’re supposed to be nice! We
went through all this work…”
“Hey, when I become President, can I have a parade?” Seymour asked. “You
guys can dress up as my slaves.”
Reno chugged some more booze.
“Give me that,” Elena snapped, snatching the flask. She sucked it dry.
“That was some good stuff.”
Reno frowned. “No more booze? Now I’ll have to face reality…”
Rude turned. “I’ll go up to the office. You guys wait down here until I
give you the signal.”
“Aren’t I leader of the Turks?” Reno slurred, scratching his head.
“Um…..no,” Rude answered.
“Oh,” Reno murmured. “Coulda sworn….”
Rude went up to Rufus’s office and opened the door.
“Rude! Ah, good to see you! I wanted you to try on this outfit.” He took
out a pink trenchcoat.
“See, the people see you as more intimidating than me. That can’t happen.
So I think these jackets will make the difference.” He grinned proudly.
Rude nodded and took out Reno’s shockrod. He tapped Rufus with it and he
groaned and sunk to the floor.
Rude smiled. This was for the best. He pressed a button on Rufus’s com.
“Alright guys. Come on up.”
“Treize’s Crazy Not-Drugged-Up Trip” (cont)
Lieutenant Colonel Zechs entered Treize’s office. “Your Excellency? You
called for me?”
Treize nodded and grinned. “Even taller in person…yum…”
“Your Excellency?”
“Uh…shut the door, what was your name? Oh right.” He grinned. “Zechs.”
He winked.
Zechs frowned. “S-sir?”
Treize nodded slowly. It was good to be important.
“WuFei’s Birthday Surprise” (cont.)
The soldiers returned with the items and glared at WuFei. WuFei glared
back.
“Pin the explosives on the Gundam,” Lady Une noted upon reading the package.
“Interesting…”
“Lieutenant Nikol printed it off his computer,” an ensign said proudly.
“I hope you didn’t poison the cake,” Lady Une continued, “Treize doesn’t
want them dead.”
There were assorted mumbles and the cake ended up in the garbage.
“I’ll bake some cupcakes,” another ensign offered.
“You do that. And don’t poison them this time. Where’s the stripper?”
“We’ve had several offers, including Relena Peacecraft, but we’ve settled
on Hilde.”
“Hilde!” Duo cried in horror. “No! She’s a man!”
Lietenant Nikol grimaced. “A man! I told the yellow pages they should include
photos!”
“Me too!” WuFei agreed. “What happens if you pick an ugly one?”
“We’ll just tell her to leave when she gets here,” Lady Une replied with
a sigh. “Party hats?”
Lietenant Nikol grinned. “Clowns.”
WuFei cried, “No! C’mon! That’s just mean! It’s supposed to be my birthday!”
Lady shrugged and began strapping the hats onto the various Gundam pilots.
“You too,” she told the men. “This is supposed to be a party. We must all
participate. According to Treize, we’re all fellow ‘homies’ today.” She
pointed to her ‘Hello My Name is Anne’ nametag. “I made one for each of
you. File by the table and pick up your tag.”
The men groaned and shuffled over to the table. Une slapped the name tags
onto the pilots.
“Hey! You spelled my name wrong,” Quatre moaned. He turned to WuFei. “Hello
Chang!”
“It’s WuFei, fruit!” WuFei snapped. “Do I have to stay chained down for
my party?”
“You may stand for the games, but your fellow homies are armed so don’t
try anything,” ‘Anne’ warned.
Lietenant Nikol (who’s tag read ‘Alfonse’) approached Lady Une. “I tried
to find the JayZee CD. I couldn’t find it. I…I searched through my own
CD collection and the best I could find was ‘Barry Manillo’.”
“Barry Manillo! I hate him!” WuFei whined. “This is the worst birthday
ever!”
“Don’t insult Lady Une’s party!” Nikol ordered.
“Bite me, Alfonse!” WuFei snapped.
“Alright, everyone stand up! We’re playing musical chairs,” Une snarled,
undoing Duo’s handcuffs.
“Selphie and the Bunny Village” (Cont)
Nida came out of the shower with a scowl. He hated group showers. He had
been hit by at least eight towels, and they had replaced his favorite shampoo
with honey. “Oh yeah!?” he had cried in retaliation, “I drive the Garden!”
That had shown them. Afterall, if he wanted to, he could drive the Garden
off the nearest cliff. Then they’d be sorry.
Suddenly feeling confident, he began to cheerfully whistle the Garden Anthem.
He opened his underwear draw.
Nida screamed girlishly and fainted.
The bunnies exchanged looks and hopped out of the drawer. They walked over
Nida’s motionless form and headed down the hall.
“The Hottie in the Iron Mask” (cont)
“Ah, this is much better,” Rude commented.
“It is?” Reno replied, staring at his slave’s outfit disdainfully. “Being
drunk doesn’t even make this look good. I’m a slave!”
“It’s just a slave’s uniform,” Rude said lamely.
“And all I asked was that you wore pink,” Rufus mused from the corner where
he was chained.
“I wouldn’t have minded pink,” Elena muttered. “You guys got lucky. I’m
a concubine.” She gestured down at her whorish outfit.
“I think it’s kinda nice,” Reno said with a wink.
“Ick! Get away from me you drunken perv!” she cried, pushing him.
“How long until the parade anyway?” Rude asked.
“All I know is that we’re going to be carrying his chariot,” Reno answered.
“Whoopee.”
“Well I’m sitting on his lap!” Elena cried in horror.
“You said he was handsome…”
“Yeah but he also laughs like Heidegger!”
“Do you guys want to know the real reason Seymour was chained in the tower?”
Rufus asked.
“Because you’re power happy?” Rude said knowingly.
“No, because he’s crazy.”
The Turks exchanged looks.
“No…,” Elena murmured. “We didn’t go through all that trouble to save a
crazy man.”
“Yes you did,” Rufus replied knowingly. “Sorry to burst your bubbles, guys,
but I’m the best of the Shinra line.”
“No….you’re just trying to manipulate us,” Rude assured himself. “You wanted
us to dress up like corporate sponsers.”
“Hey, I may be greedy but at least I’m not a couple clowns short of a circus
like someone else we know.”
“Sephiroth?” Reno guessed with a swig.
“Well, him too,” Rufus nodded.
“Turks!” Cloud said suddenly, “let’s finish this!” Cloud, Vincent, and
Red appeared at the end of the tunnel.
“Ack! It’s them! Get off your lazy asses and defend me!” Rufus cried.
Rude yawned. Reno lit a joint. Elena began combing her hair.
“Come on! Defend me! You never do anything! Can’t you do your jobs for
once?”
Reno grimaced. “What? You actually want us to go out and fight?”
Rufus nodded. “Of course I do! They’re going to destroy Shinra.”
“We’re dressed kinda funny…,” Elena continued.
“And I’d hate to spend my drunken moments fighting,” Reno added.
“It’s not really worth it,” Rude finished.
“Come on! You guys suck! Just go kill them if it’s so easy you cowards!”
Rufus ordered.
Rude shrugged and stood. “Alright. I guess I could use the exercise.”
The others groaned and stood.
They walked out into the tunnel.
“WuFei’s Birthday Surprise” (Cont)
“Sorry WuFei,” Une shrugged, “You’re out.”
“Weak woman!” He squinted, “ ‘Jonothan’ cheated! That chair was mine!”
Lady shrugged and WuFei scowled. He joined Duo and Trowa on the sidelines.
“Come on, Quatre!” Duo called. “Beat those losers!”
“Don’t put your money on Quatre,” WuFei scoffed, “at least bet on Heero.”
“Beat their butts, Quatre!” Duo continued to call.
Quatre smiled. “C’mon guys. Be fair. It doesn’t matter who wins. As long
as we have fun.”
“Give me a Q!” Duo continued.
Trowa banged his head against the wall.
“I think I’ll join you, Trowa,” WuFei groaned. “C’mon, Heero! Cheat or
something!”
Heero shrugged. The music started.
“Oh no! Not Mandy!” WuFei cried in horror, covering his ears.
Six Oz soldiers, Quatre, and Heero began circling around the chairs. The
music stopped. Quatre took a seat. Heero knocked a soldier unconscious
and took his seat.
“Hey!” Nikol shouted, “Heero cheated.”
Heero said nothing.
“Did not!” Duo said defensively, “That soldier passed out on his own!”
Nikol growled.
“Just start the music,” Duo hooted.
“No….,” moaned WuFei, banging his head.
The music started. Another soldier passed out.
Nikol shot Duo a look.
“Not my fault you hired such wussy soldiers,” Duo continued with a grin.
“Give me an ‘H’!”
“Can we play a game that doesn’t involve music?” WuFei whined.
The music started.
“Heero, you’re out!” Lady said.
Heero growled at the soldier in the chair.
“Sleep with the lights on, ‘Horatio’,” Heero muttered. He leaned down.
“I will destroy you.”
Horatio shivered.
Heero joined the losers circle.
“Who’s your money on?” Duo asked WuFei knowingly. “C’mon Quatre!”
“He can’t do it. He’ll probably offer the other guy the chair,” WuFei snorted.
The music started. An Oz soldier lost.
“Give me a ‘Q’! Give me an ‘A’!”
“That’s ‘U’,” Quatre corrected.
Duo blushed. “I read it off the nametag…”
The music started and another Oz soldier left.
“C’mon Sky!” Nikol called.
“C’mon Quatre!” Duo called louder.
“Sky!”
“Quatre!”
“You’re both losers!” WuFei hooted.
“Shut up, Chang!” Duo and Nikol said in unison.
The music started.
The music stopped.
Duo lept into the air. “Yeah! Yeah Quatre! Told you Quatre would win! Oh
yeah! Gundams 10,000 Oz 0!”
“Hey, we beat Earth Sphere Alliance!” Nikol snapped.
“They sucked anyway!”
“Oh yeah! We’ll beat the crap out of you in pin the explosives on the Gundam!
We do that all the time!”
“Selphie and the Bunny Village” (Cont)
“Have you seen my rabbits?” Selphie asked Nida.
Nida passed out.
“Weirdo,” Selphie mumbled in confusion, looking around. Seifer, looking
pale and frightened, ran over to her.
“Rabbits!” he cried in horror. “Dozens and dozens of rabbits!”
“What’s going on?” Zell asked, coming up from behind Selphie.
“Rabbits everywhere!” Seifer babbled.
“Haha! You’re scared of rabbits?” Zell hooted.
“They…they’ve taken over the cafeteria…they raided the hotdog bin…”
“The hotdog bin!” Zell cried in horror. “NOOOO!”
“The Hottie in the Iron Mask” (cont)
“Well it looks like you kicked our asses again,” Cloud shrugged. “We’ll
try again later.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Reno replied.
“What’s with the outfits anyway?” Cloud asked.
“It’s for…Rufus’s..yeah, Rufus’s parade,” Elena answered.
“Hey, lucky for you guys there probably won’t be any parade.”
“What?” Rude asked.
“Yeah, there are some missles headed this way,” Cloud informed them.
“To Midgar!?” Rude exclaimed.
“Yeah, headed right for the palace too,” Cloud continued.
“SEYMOUR!” The Turks exclaimed together, turning and running.
“Nice fighting with you again,” Cloud called, summoning Life Magic to revive
Vincent and Red.
The Turks jogged through the sewers when they felt a large rumble, then
heard a crash. The Turks tumbled to the ground and waited.
There was silence.
“That hit the palace, didn’t it?” Elena whispered.
Rude nodded slowly.
“Seymour
is dead, isn’t he?” Elena pressed.
Rude nodded again.
Elena groaned.
Reno took a swig of his remaining flask.
“Uh…I think we better untie Rufus now….” Rude said slowly.
“We’ll mention the need for a raise a little later,” Elena added.
“We are so screwed,” Reno chuckled, following Rude.
“WuFei’s Birthday Surprise” (Cont)
“WuFei does not like spinning!” WuFei called as Lady Une spun him around
ten times.
“It’s in the rules,” Lady answered with a shrug, “and you insisted multiple
times that we spin our soldiers.”
WuFei grumbled as they released him.
“Now go to Nataku,” Nikol taunted.
“I don’t think I want to pin an explosive on Nataku…,” WuFei pointed out.
“Shut up! Do you want to be weak and lose?”
“WuFei doesn’t lose!” WuFei asserted, stumbling forwards. He stepped towards
the poster and planted the explosive. He opened his eyes.
“Good job WuFei!” Quatre called.
“Yeah, you put it right where the pilot is supposed to be,” Nikol chuckled.
“Shut up!” WuFei snapped. “It’s an effective place to put an explosive!”
“Heero’s turn,” Duo interrupted, shoving Heero forwards.
“Don’t forget to cheat,” WuFei whispered as they put on Heero’s blindfold.
They began spinning him. “Can I take my hat off now?” WuFei asked.
“No!” Une snapped.
WuFei frowned.
Heero walked straight forwards.
“Apparently someone doesn’t get dizzy easily,” Duo said proudly.
“Unlike you,” WuFei snapped, pointing to the explosive the Duo had stuck
to the end of his braid.
Duo frowned and pulled the sticker off his hair. “Yeah, but they spun me
11 times instead of ten. I should have complained.”
Heero put his sticker directly on the target sight. The OZ soldiers began
to boo.
Heero shrugged and took off his mask. “What? I have a good sense of direction.”
“Gundams 10,001, OZ 0!” Duo said confidentally. The OZ soldiers surrounded
him and began to spin him.
“No, not again!” Duo moaned. There was a knock at the door.
Une opened it, revealing Hilde dressed as an OZ soldier.
“Hey! You ordered a stripper?” She giggled.
“Ugh, actually…,” Une began.
The soldiers laughed and released Duo. He stumbled forward blindly and
tripped over WuFei’s outstretched foot.
“WuFei!” Quatre scolded.
“Come on, it was funny,” WuFei said with a grin.
Duo pitched forwards and crashed into Hilde.
He pulled off his blindfold. “Ack!” he cried.
“Duo!” Hilde exclaimed. “I knew you’d be here! You look great! Wanna see
my dance, teehee?”
“Aaah!” Duo cried, standing dizzily. “Put the blindfold back on!”
Hilde frowned, then winked, “What about you, WuFei?”
“Get away from me woman!” WuFei cried, backing up.
“Yes, we’ve decided not to get a stripper,” Une shrugged apologetically.
“Good-bye.” She slammed the door. “What game should we play now?”
“Oh! Oh! Let WuFei open his gifts!” Quatre insisted. The soldiers snickered.
“I don’t want to open their gifts,” WuFei moaned in anticipation.
“That’s a great idea,” Lady Une decided, leading WuFei to a chair. “Sit
here and I’ll get the gifts.”
WuFei frowned but the guns pointed in his direction kept him seated. Une
handed him a gift.
WuFei was about to open it, when Quatre called, “Who’s it from?”
WuFei sighed and removed the card. “From Ensign Carrol. ‘Dear WuFei- hope
you think my gift is a blast’. Uh oh.”
“Pass the card around!” Quatre called.
“Do I hear ticking?” Trowa muttered.
WuFei put it next to his hear. “I think this is a bomb.”
“Oh! Give it here!” Trowa snarled, seizing the package. He tore it open.
There was a small puff of smoke and a sharp crack. Then nothing. The soldiers
groaned. Trowa frowned in disappointment.
“Didn’t you guys learn how to make an effective bomb in military school?”
Trowa muttered in disappointment.
“This one’s from me,” Nikol said with a snicker. WuFei frowned and wripped
off the card.
"‘You’re as sweet as sugar and cute as a bunny, happy bday from me to you
honey’.” WuFei and the OZ soldiers turned to stare at Nikol.
Nikol blushed. “It was….a joke.. you know…I didn’t mean it seriously! Just
open the gift!”
WuFei listened to hear if it was ticking and then wripped open the wrapping.
“Ack!” WuFei cried, picking up the maimed model of Nataku and flinging
it into the air, “Nataku! No!”
Nikol snickered until the model flew forwards and hit him in the face.
“Ow! Ugh! My eye!” he sobbed. “You stupid bastard! That was my eye! I’ll
kill you good!”
WuFei snickered.
“Can I keep the bow?” Quatre asked.
“Shinra’s Abandoned Project”
Reeve heaved a sigh of boredom. He had been kept in the Shinra jail for
weeks now. He had tried to get his Cait Sith to rescue him, but the controls
didn’t seem to be working. It was horrible in the Shinra prison. Heidegger
came down once a day to laugh with his ‘Gya haa haa’s’ and Scarlet came
down twice a day to flirt. It was a hard life. Leave it to Cloud and the
others to abandon him in his time of need….just like they did to Tseng…
Suddenly to his complete shock, he saw Cait Sith outside his jailcell.
“Cait Sith!” he called. “Cait Sith! In here!”
The ugly cat/mog thing turned and waved.
“No! Don’t wave!” Reeve whispered. “Get the key! The key!”
Cait
Sith shook his head.
“No? What do you mean ‘no’, you brainless puppet!?”
Cait Sith gave him the finger.
“What!?” Reeve sputtered. “What do you mean by that you impudent, brainless…wait…you’re
a puppet! Who’s controlling you?”
Cait Sith opened the door to reveal a giggling Rufus and the decidedly
downcast Turks. They were dressed in pink trenchcoats with the words ‘Jacko
Cellular phones’ and ‘Bobbies Burger Palace’ and other such endorsements
adorning them.
Reeve gasped. “Rufus!”
Rufus smiled. “Yup. Sorry about that, but I couldn’t resist. These things
are great!”
Reeve frowned. “You’re dead.”
The Turk exchanged looks.
“Don’t be silly. Would my faithful Turks ever abandon me like that?”
The Turks muttered things to themselves.
“You wouldn’t, would you, Reno?” Rufus pressed, prodding him.
“No, President Shinra,” Reno answered warily. He removed a flask from his
coat. He took a swig. “And it was nice of you to ban me from alcohol too…apple
juice is mighty tasty and will help my health in the long one.” He grinned
fakely.
“That’s what I thought,” Rufus said with a confident grin.
“Where did you get the Cait Sith?” Reeve asked.
“Oh my father made hundreds of these. You didn’t think yours was the only
one, did you? My father thought that kids would line up to buy ugly cat/mog….things.
They didn’t. So now everyone in Shinra gets one to play with!”
“What happened to mine?” Reeve asked.
“Ugh…I think Cloud in the others beat it and melted it into scrap metal
to make Cloud some roller skates.”
Reeve frowned. “But he helped them…”
“Yeah, that’s Cloud for you.”
“So you’re going to let me out?” Reeve asked.
Rufus shook his head. “Actually, all of Shinra is going to be hanging out
here for awhile. Um, we’re not well liked people anymore…”
“You were never well liked, Rufus.”
“Shut up! The Turks like me! Don’t you, Rude?”
“I love you, President Shinra. And the clown wig you make me wear really
accents my high cheekbones.”
“That’s what I thought,” Rufus said confidently. “Anyway,” Rufus continued,
“I want you to meet RUFUS.” He pointed to his cat/mog. “It’ll be my heir.”
He paused and hung his head. “No one will marry me. I tried really hard.
Tifa turned me down.”
“Tough break,” Reeve consoled him. “You know, I’ll be more sympathetic
if you let me out.”
Rufus shook his head. “Believe me, friend, you’re safer down here.”
“Gya haa haa!”
Elena shivered.
“Kya haa haa!”
Rufus shivered.
Heideggar entered the cell. “Hey everyone! Wanna meet my cat/mog?”
Scarlet pushed in front of him. “No, he wants to meet my cat/mog!” She
paused and grinned. “I named him RuReeve.” She winked at Rufus, then at
Reeve.
“Skank,” Rufus muttered.
“I named mine ‘Sir General Gyaa haa haa of Elvador’!” Heidegger announced.
“He’s vice president of Public Mantence and Order.” He grinned and controlled
his puppet. Sir General Gya haa haa snapped, “Hey Turks! You’re fired!”
Rude shrugged and Reno turned to leave.
Rufus grabbed Reno and began to strangle him. “You’re ass is mine, you
drunken fool! You can’t ever leave me ever! Can you, Elena?”
“No, President Rufus, our loving ruler,” Elena said quickly, noticing Reno
turning blue. “And it sure was kind of you to implant this tracking device
in my brain!”
Rufus grinned and released Reno. “I like the sound of that!”
Reno rubbed his throat. “Spoiled wuss.”
“What?” Rufus asked.
“I love you,” Reno said with a weak smile.
“You’re eerie sometimes, Reno.”
“Selphie and the Bunny Village” (cont)
“The Garden’s in a state of emergency!?” Selphie cried in shock. “Oh Laguna
and Selphie, how could you!” A line of rabbits suddenly sped past her.
“Ack!”
Zell rocked back and forth. “Those innocent hotdogs…”
Quistis walked by with a VCR under her arm. “I love red alerts…,” she murmured,
“no one’s watching their stuff.”
“Why are you wearing all black?” Selphie asked.
Quistis’s eyes darted back and forth. “My cat died…yeah.”
“Oh dear! The bunnies didn’t kill him, did they?” Selphie asked. “I would
feel so awful!”
“No, it was the plague,” Quistis lied quickly.
Selphie frowned. “Hey…where’s my watch?”
“Gottagobye!” Quistis said cheerfully, running off.
“Bye!” Selphie waved. She found Squall. “Hey, Squall. This is pretty weird,
huh?”
Squall shrugged. “Whatever.”
Nida came up to Squall. “And look who everyone’s asking for help now!”
Nida grinned. “I bet they’ll all want to know what Nida the Great Garden
Driver can do for them now!”
A crowd of students came jogging towards them. Nida smiled confidantly.
The student up front shoved Nida down and said, breathlessly, “Oh, leader
Squall! What’s going to happen to us? This is terrible! The rabbits are
chewing the wires!” The lights blinked a few times.
“Whatever,” Squall answered.
“But what should we do?” the student pressed.
Nida
groaned from his spot on the floor.
The com clicked on. “Students, this is headmaster Cid. The bunnies have
freed NORG from his death web and he’s coming back to lead them to revenge.
So..uh, we’re all going to have to transfer to Galbadia Garden.”
The students groaned.
“Not Galbadia! We hate those freaks!” the kid moaned.
“And they won’t let me drive their Garden!” Nida added.
“Hurry kids! Leave! The bunnies are coming! Arghhhhh!!!!”
Then silence.
“Thanks a lot, Selphie,” the kids muttered. “You’ve ruined Garden for all
of us.”
Selphie sighed. “You’re not mad at me, are you Squall?”
“Whatever.”
She smiled. “Thanks, Squall. You’re a friend. And I’m sure I’ll make lots
more at Galbadia!”
“WuFei’s Birthday Surpise”(cont)
Fourteen bombs and six other assorted threatening gifts later, WuFei had
finished and Quatre was covered in different colored bows.
“I can’t believe not one of those bombs functioned sufficiently,” Trowa
pouted.
“Can we have the cupcakes?” Quatre asked.
“I’m diebetic,” Heero confessed.
“So am I!” said the ensign. “I made them with Nutrasweet.”
“I bet they suck!” WuFei snapped.
A tear escaped the ensign’s eye. “I tried really hard….”
“Look, you made Cecil cry!” Nikol snapped. “Can’t you be nice for once?”
Lady Une shot Nikol a look. “It’s his birthday. It’s his business if he
wants to be mean.” Une stuck a candle in one of the cupcakes and lit it.
“Alright, everyone on the count of three sing!” She paused and cleared
her throat. “One, two, three.”
“Happy birthday to you,” the OZ soldiers sang, “Happy birthday to you,
you smell like a Relena Peacecraft and you look like her too!”
“Hey! That was really mean!” WuFei complained.
“Sing it right!” Quatre scolded. “In three part harmony!”
The soldiers sighed, but, since Quatre was such a nice guy, they sang the
song the correct way in a three part harmony round.
“Make a wish,” Lady Une told him.
“I wish I had Nataku so I could kill you all,” WuFei told them, then blew
out the candle.
“Now that you told us it won’t come true, WuFei!” Duo said with a grin.
“Crap!” WuFei sniffled.
“Alright one more game and then all of you have to go home,” Une told them.
Everyone groaned. “I know, Iknow. But all parties have to end sometime.”
“Can I have a vanilla cupcake?” Quatre asked.
“No, you didn’t get me a present,” WuFei snapped, eating his cupcake. “Hey,
Cecil! These suck!”
Cecil sobbed harder. “I sang tenor for you!”
“I can give you a hundred bucks,” Quatre said with a shrug.
“For a cupcake?” WuFei asked. “Alright.” he took the money. “Sucker,” he
snickered.
“Can I have one?” Heero asked.
“No!” WuFei snapped, eating his second one.
“But I’ve never had a cupcake! Doctor J only let me eat melba toast and
oatmeal…,” he sniffled.
“What do you have for me?” WuFei asked, mouth full.
“Quatre, pay him off, we want cupcakes!” Duo called.
Quatre frowned. “You guys don’t just like me for my money, do you?”
The Gundam boys exchanged looks.
“No…no of course not,” Duo replied. “Pay him off.”
WuFei grinned.
“Alright, that’s enough for everyone here to have one cupcake,” Quatre
said, handing him thousands of dollars. “That’s part of my inheritance…so…don’t
waste it please.”
WuFei grinned. “Nataku’s getting a new hat!”
Quatre frowned.
“Alright everyone! Pass the orange time!”
“Shinra’s Abandoned Project” (cont)
“Hi Everybody!” a cheerful voice announced.
“Hi, Doctor Hojo,” everyone sighed in unison.
“And this is my new cat/mog!” Hojo said proudly.
“They gave him a cat/mog? He’s crazy!” Reeve protested.
“Hey, Hojo,” Scarlet said with a wink.
Hojo shuddered. His cat/mog wore a long silver wig and held a carboard
sword. “This is the REAL SEPHIROTH! Hehehehehe!”
Everyone grimaced.
“We don’t like Sephiroth,” Reeve whined.
“Yeah,” said Rufus. “And as President of Shinra I order you to destroy
that hideous thing!”
“Oh yeah!” Hojo cried. “Get him, Real Sephiroth!” The ugly thing marched
forward and grabbed Rufus by the front of his shirt and lift him up.
“Ack!” Rufus cried. “Turks, save me!”
Rude and Elena exchanged withering looks, waited a few heartbeats, then
watched as Reno reluctantly shocked ‘Sephiroth’, causing it to drop Rufus.
Rufus grinned as he brushed the front of his suit. “Hojo, you’re fired.”
Hojo shugged. “Okay. Look, Sephiroth has a Masamune.”
“Yeah, and Sephiroth killed our leader,” Rude snapped, “so shut your ugly
face and take your stupid toy outta here!”
“Yeah, cause Sir General Gya haa haa could kick his ass!” Heidegger bragged.
“No, RuReeve could charm you away,” Scarlet snapped.
“Shut up! RUFUS is going to fire all of your ugly cat/mogs!” Rufus snapped.
“And he’s the best looking one!”
“Fire us? From what? There’s no more Shinra!” Scarlet pointed out.
“Shut up or you’ll end up like Reeve,” Rufus warned.
Reeve frowned. “Yeah, you can really let me out now, you know.”
“I still have the Turks obeying me,” Rufus told them. “And you losers.
And that’s the core of Shinra.”
“Where’s Palmer? He hired me for tonight,” Scarlet complained.
Rufus
shuddered.
“Yeah, you know there really is no more Shinra,” Rude said to his fellow
Turks. “We should just leave.”
Rufus frowned. “You can’t leave. I own all of you. You have to help me
establish a new empire!”
“
Actually, I think I’d rather pursue a career in teaching,” Scarlet admitted.
“And RuReeve is the perfect teacher’s aid!” She adjusted her garter and
hiked up her dress.
“But no one wants a ho for a teacher!” Rufus protested.
“And I want to be a fashion designer! Gyaa haa haa!” Heidegger continued.
“Sir General Gya haa haa makes a good model for those not blessed with
perfect bodies like myself.”
“But…but you can’t even do that! You have no skills! And, ew, you do not
have a perfect body!”
“And actually, I heard the market’s hot for webpage designers,” Hojo murmured,
“I could do that…”
“I don’t care what you do. I already fired you.”
“We could be mercenaries! Get lots of money! Who wouldn’t want to hire
a Turk?” Reno said excitedly.
“Yeah, let’s get outta here,” Elena suggested. Everyone and their cat/mogs
turned and left, leaving Rufus, RUFUS, and Reeve alone.
“I…I just want to be let go,” Reeve begged.
“No, you’re not leaving me. We are Shinra, and together we will restore
my father’s empire! Muhahaha!”
Reeve groaned.
“Laugh with me Reeve!” Rufus ordered.
Reeve sighed. “Heh heh heh.” He took a deep breath. “Somebody help me!!!”
“WuFei’s Birthday Surprise” (cont)
“I don’t like my team!” WuFei protested.
“Don’t be mean, WuFei,” Quatre scolded.
“But I have all the wusses on my team! I got you, braided boy, and Cecil!
And Nikol got Heero and Trowa! It’s not fair!”
Lady Une shook her head. “This is about learning to trust one another.
Can’t you at least try?”
“No, shut up,” WuFei snapped.
“Alright, the first person on each time must put this orange under his
chin and then using only his chin he must pass
it on to the next person. If it drops you have to start all over. Understand?”
Everyone mumbled ‘yes’.
“Good. Alright. Ready, set, go!” she cried.
WuFei shoved the orange under his chin. “Come on Cecil! Take it!” he hissed
through clenched teeth.
“If I drop it you’re going to yell at me,” Cecil whispered.
“Take it!” WuFei growled.
Frightened, Cecil nodded and took the orange in his chin.
“Yeah! Give it to the wuss!” WuFei hooted.
He gave it to Quatre. Quatre tried to say ‘good job’ to Cecil and only
succeeded in dropping the orange.
“Dammit! You clumsy freak!” WuFei yelled, snatching the orange and starting
again. “Come on! Do you want to be a winner or not?”
“I’m a Winner,” Quatre said with a smile.
WuFei ignored him and passed the orange to Cecil. Cecil passed it to Duo.
Duo dropped it.
“What? Is you’re hair growing into your brain! Why can’t any of you do
this?”
Duo shrugged. “I may run and hide, but I never tell a lie. That’s me in
a nutshell!”
“Shut up! What does that even mean?!” WuFei grumbled, starting again.
Meanwhile, on the other team the orange had gotten to the last person,
Trowa.
“Just pass it back up, Trowa!” Nikol yelled, “And we win!”
Trowa began unpeeling the orange.
“No, Trowa!” Nikol said hastily, “you can’t eat the orange!”
Trowa took a bite. The team groaned.
“Sorry, Trowa, eating the orange is against the rules,” Lady shrugged.
“Your team forfeits.”
Nikol groaned. “You idiot!”
Trowa watched the juice drip down his chin and onto his shirt in streaks.
“The juice….it is my tears,” he murmured.
“Woohoo! I am the winner!” WuFei hooted. “I rule! Who rocks the house?
WuFei rocks the house!”
Nikol walked over. “Alright, good game, Gundam.”
WuFei grinned. “Thank you! I rule!”
“Alright everyone, party’s over,” Une said, “Gundams return to captivity
and the rest of you guards report to your stations.”
“But Lady Une,” Nikol protested. “Haven’t we all learned something here
today? That under forced circumstances, we can, under gun point, be civil
to each other. I think we should let the Gundams go, and surrender to the
Earth Sphere Alliance, where we will once again be forced into peace through
crushing tactics.”
“Very touching,” Lady said dryly. “No.”
Nikol snatched her glasses.
“Hey-!? Oh….I feel wonderful. That was a wonderful idea, Nikol. Let’s surrender.”
She smiled. “And let’s let the Gundams go. And I will
marry you!”
Nikol winked. “Isn’t that a nifty trick?”
Quatre nodded. “I’m impressed.”
“Have fun, kids!” Une said with a wave.
“Treize Crazy Not-Drugged-Up Trip” (cont)
Zechs laughed. “You know, Teddy, you may have lost your dignity and my
respect for you, but I do like you better this way. Your pacifist ideas
are perfectly in sync with mine.”
Treize chuckled. “Right! Party on, man!” he went to kiss Zechs, but he
was so drunk he lost his balance and fell off the couch, smacking his head
on the coffee table.
“Teddy! Teddy!” Zechs cried, shaking him. “Are you okay?”
Treize groaned and shook his head. “What did you call me, Lietenant Zechs?”
“Are you okay?” Zechs pressed.
“As okay as one can be in a time of war. War is like the air, in that we
need it, but it is also not like war as in it’s not a gas…..but it should
be with people….”
“Oh no!” Zechs cried, “you’re back!”
“Zechs, where’s your shirt?” Treize muttered. “That is not proper attire
to attend to your superior officer.”
Zechs sighed. “No sir.”
Treize flipped on his television.
“And many rejoice today as OZ surrenders to the Earth Sphere Alliance!
The war is over, and the Earth Sphere Alliance is reinstating martial law
on all colonies! Crushing peace has once again descended!”
Treize’s jaw hung open.
Epilogue
Treize and OZ reinstated the war the next day, once the Gundams were out of harm’s way. However, many of their soldiers, including all in attendance of WuFei’s birthday, deserted soon after. The party was regarded as the ‘most rockin’ party of the year’ even without a stripper.
The Turks became successful mercenaries after changing their name to the Terks to avoid being identified as former Shinra soldiers.
Scarlet is starring in the ‘Pussycat Club’ and Heidegger works at a Tacobell in Westchester County. Hojo is on a search for his long lost son, who is convinced is still alive.
Rufus stayed for a few more days before getting hungry. When he left to get Chinese food he was offered a job as a male model and was whisked away to fame under the new name Guy Incognito.
Reeve was left until minutes before Shinra palace was demolished, and was rescued by Scarlet after promising to marry her. He never did.
The Gundams
continued to fight OZ, but WuFei held onto the pink bunny stuffed
animal he received from Cecil and named it ‘WuChan’.