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Another songfic....this uses the lyrics to the Madonna song "This Used To Be My Playground", which I *didn't* write and *don't* own. This is one of my favorite Madonna songs. *sniff* Strong yaoi implications ahead....flashbacks are between the // marks. Enjoy ^_^

    The snow crunched under his boots and dusted his uniform jacket as it fell from the sky. He brushed some of the flakes from his fiery hair and looked up at the building. It had been too many years, and the decapitated state of the structure was proof.

    Hard to believe I lived here once, Reno thought, it looks a hundred years old. Seems like forever since I stood in this spot. So much has changed since then.

    He took several more steps, making more footsteps in the snow. This time when he looked up he had a bittersweet smile on his face, shadows of the past playing out for him. A time where he had a family. A time when they were together. But that was all ruins now. His father had disappeared. His mother was dead. And his sister was far away....and he never knew when he would be able to see her again...

   This was home once, he thought with a sigh, breath making clouds in the cold air. Before he left.... He frowned, looking down at his feet as he traced vague patterns in the white fluff. It's his fault. It's his fault. If he had never....never left us... the Turk swallowed hard, remembering... If he had never left us, we would have never had to move and...

    Reno clenched his fist hard, his skin growing red in the cold temperature. It hurt so much to think about it. The anger he felt every time he thought of him, his own father, was overwhelming. It was *his* fault that they had to move. That meant it was *his* fault his mother was beaten to death. With a flashing thought in his mind, he swooped down and retrieved a rock from the ground, and held it firmly in his hand. The surface was cold, and it stung his skin. He tossed it a few times. Glaring... Glaring at that house that brought him such thoughts... That brought him so many memories ...

    The red head held on that rock, squeezing in his hand as hard as he could, but he couldn't bring himself to do more than that. For everything that pained him, there was always pleasant memories of his mother and his sister, Trini, that this house brought back to him. Little things he had forgotten in his busy life. He could almost here her calling him now. Trini, laughing as she ran around the house in another game of tag...

    //"Come on, Reno! Try and catch me!"

    He panted, stumbling fakely as though he was dead tired. "I can't, Treen. You're too quick for me."

    Her giggles pulsed life into the spring air. "Come on, Reno! I know you're pretendin'!"

    "I'm not," he lied, shaking his head and keeping up the fake breathing. "Wait....just...let me....lie down...a bit." He crumbled to the ground.

    Laughing she ran over to him, skidding to her knees in the grass besides him. "Reno!" She playfully threw her arms around him. "You're so funny, Reno."

    Grinning he replied, "glad you think so." In one quick movement he grabbed her arms and flipped her over, pinning her to the ground. "Who's winning now!"

    She laughed. "Mom! Reno's trapped me!"

    Mina, their mother, looked over where she was hanging the laundry, a faint smile on her lips.//

    Reno's brow crinkled as he remembered that day. Why did it seem so far away? He was twenty years old. So why did he suddenly feel like an old man, coming back to his childhood fifty years later? He couldn't forgot about his mother, and he couldn't forget about Trini either. No matter what other memories poured back to him when he remembered...somehow the smile it brought to his face, even if it was a sad one...was worth it.

    The rock was dropped, falling back into the snow where it belonged. Reno ran that hand through his hair again. He couldn't hurt that house without hurting himself.

    And to think I never thought I would ever make my way back here...

    The halls of his old boarding school. Everything seemed so tiny now that he had grown up and moved on.

    To nothing, he thought bitterly, pushing locks of blonde hair out of his cold blue eyes.

    It had been only six years since he had graduated from elementary school. After all, he was eighteen now. Six years since he had waited so patiently for his father to call, believing till it was too late that made he actually gave a damn. Now it almost made him laugh.

    Almost.

    I'll never come back here, he had promised himself upon graduation. I'll just walk away into my own life. Go to a new school. Where I won't cry myself to sleep anymore. Where I can be happy and make a name for myself.

    He smiled bitterly, remembering how naive he was. As if it would all stop. It would *never* stop.

    But he was eighteen now, and the pain had never left him. He still didn't have his own life. He still cried himself to sleep. And he never would make a name for himself. He was Rufus Shinra, and his name would always be linked to money. And reactors. And his father. He scowled as he thought about it. How it disgusted him to think his name was paired with that man's. The man who would never see him. The man was had never been there. Yet for some reason, Rufus was still his son.

       These hallways brought back many memories, most of them unpleasant ones. But still, he was filled with a sense of fulfillment as his footsteps echoed in the empty hallway.

    He peered into several of the classrooms and saw eager boys raising their hands in their quest for learning. They were just kids, kids with dreams of happiness in the future. So much unlike him. Rufus had never had dreams. His whole life had been planned out on a slate and he couldn't alter it. He would always be stuck in his father's shadow.

  They're so young, so innocent, he thought with a labored sigh as he continued his way down the deserted hallway. I was never that young.

  And I certainly don't feel any younger now. I feel as though these eighteen years have passed like a hundred. He groaned, leaning against the wall, with a hand to his forehead. I never thought I would say this....but somehow I wish I was back here again..

    //"Come on, Rufus! Don't you wanna come? We're going to play soccer!"

    He sat on the steps of the massive building, hanging his head. He couldn't let them see the tears in his eyes. Silently he shook his head no, gripping his knees, locked in an immobile state.

    "Are you sure?" the voice persisted. "It will be fun."

    "I'm sure." His reply was low to hide the sobs creeping up in his throat.

    Footsteps came closer. "Hey, Rufus. Are you okay?" The child bent down, to try and look into Rufus' face.

    Panicking, he hid his face, leaping to his feet. "Just leave me alone!" He scrambled up the steps and back into the building, terrified. It had come too close that time. No one could know. No one could know he was so miserable...//

    The young man shut his eyes, reaching up to wipe away the wetness. At least I had people who cared then...they cared about *me* then. Not my money...

    Rufus straightened up, taking a deep breath to regain his composure. It's too late now. That's over. There's just the future now. You missed it. Happy? Missed your only chance to take advantage of people who wanted you for who you were then. You were just a kid, no matter how old you felt, and they were young too. They didn't care about money, they were just looking for a friend. They were looking to make you feel better--to make you feel better. But you were too scared. And you gave that up.

    With each step another tear slipped down his otherwise emotionless face. He wanted to go back--to try again. He wanted to be happy, if only for a little while. He wanted to be himself, instead of his father's son. He wanted so much....and yet it was all too late. The past had slipped by in a fraction of a second, and here he was now, Rufus Shinra, eighteen going on eighty. Behind him, the only years of his life he knew would ever matter, stood as bleak as the rest.

   How crazy am I to come here? He laughed at himself. I must be out of my fucking mind. After all, he hadn't been in this part of Midgar since the city had been built all those years ago.

    Somehow he prayed for something different. That everything he had heard from the Turks was exaggerated. That it wasn't as bad as it sounded. It did not take long for his idealistic view to be smashed, shattered.

    The poverty, the absolute destitution that was all around him... A feeling of overwhelming shame crept into his body and sent tears to his eyes. But Reeve wouldn't cry. Not among this mess he had created.

    He couldn't quite conceive the fact that this was the place that had been such a dream on paper. The city that was so flawless, perfection on his part. There was a sinking feeling in his gut as he remembered how proud he was of it. Of how he was so sure it would bring everyone happiness. Not himself so much as the people who left behind their lives to come live here. Now, as he looked around, all he could see where people who had left their lives behind to suffer, not knowing that they would fall into this trap of poverty.

    It pained him to think he had spent so many nights behind his desk, sacrificing everything for what seemed to be his biggest failure in life. His dream...oh, how it had betrayed him.

    //"Reeve?" His grandmother would always come to check on him at one point or another, to make sure he was breathing on the other side of that door.

    There he was as he always was, slumped over that desk, one lamp the only illumination. Reeve always liked to work in partial darkness. He concentrated hard on each movement on his pencil, as his city sprang to life before his eyes.

    "Reeve?"

    He placed the writing utensil down for a moment and stretched his fingers, turning with a smile. "Hi, grandma."

    She gave a light hearted chuckle. "Don't you ever rest, Reeve? It's late. Your father has already gone to bed."

    "Just a little more," he promised, turning back and taking up the pencil again. "I just want to finish this sector."

    She moved over to him, peering over his shoulder at his creation. For a moment she was silent, as if she was in shock. "You thought this up all on your own?"

    "Yes." He picked up a ruler.

    "That's....amazing." She sounded genuinely impressed.

    He turned away from his work again to look back at her. "You think so, grandma?" Smiling, he added, "all I want is for people to live in my city. Real people going about their little lives, contented with the city that *I* built for them, just like I see in my mind."

    She gently kissed the top of his head and tousled his hair. "You have grand dreams, Reeve."//

    He shook his head, trying to clear that imagine. All that hard had landed him and everyone involved in hell. There was no escape, trapped in a web he had tangled millions into.

    This creation of his, the object of every dream he had ever had, had turned into nothing but a screaming nightmare.

    He reluctantly watched the people around him. scowling as they went about their business. No one was smiling.

    He watched them pull their children roughly along by their wrists, snapping crass words. No one was happy.

    He watched the shop keepers close up shop for the day because there were no customers. No one was contented.

    A shaky hand went to his face and suddenly he felt so betrayed. He had lied to himself, trying to force himself to believe it wasn't true, but that wasn't the half of it. Shinra had lied to him, they had betrayed them. They had promised everyone in this city so much, and they had gotten nothing from it. He had so many assurances that everyone would be well cared for. And where were those promises now? Long since forgotten. Tell me, Mr. President, he thought bitterly as his pace quickened, are these children I see malnourished and over worked because everyone is well cared for? He smiled in self hatred. There is no one to blame but myself. They lied, but I gave them this city in the first place. Without my plans there would have been no suffering. Every last tear shed in this city is because I picked up a pencil and drew it.

    Reeve was crying inside, sobbing as he stumbled back to the Headquarters. Tseng...Tseng...I need...I need you to hold me and tell me I'm not bad and I'm not evil...I need it so much...

    Everything passed in a blur around him as he went back home. My god....how sorry I am. If I would have known my dream turned out this way, I would have never woken up.

 My god...I'm so sorry. Never the less... He jogged up the stairs to the headquarters, eager to be back inside with all those people who didn't give a damn about anything that wasn't money. When I die, I'm going to hell.

    He was at his desk head in hands. Exhausted. With a deep breath he shut his eyes and brought his mind elsewhere. Brought it away from Shinra for a moment. Sometimes he wondered why he could be so loyal to something that made Reeve so miserable. But then he remembered the flames and the ashes and the cold and the years he had spent on the street struggling to live another day. When he remembered these things he was very glad he worked for Shinra. It was something that couldn't be helped.

    It thankfully seemed to be such a long time since he spent his nights in deserted doorways, shivering from the cold. Now he spent his nights held in Reeve's warm embrace, and he wasn't supposed to be thankful? Every day of his life he did horrible things, and to say that he didn't feel badly would be a lie. In fact, sometimes, when he was alone in his office like this he would think about all the terrible things he had done and cry for hours. But always, *always* he came to the realization that no matter what he had to do, it was better than struggling for life. And maybe that made him a bad person. He didn't like to think about it.

    His thoughts did not take him on a trip through his conscience this time. Instead he remembered further back, before he even knew what a Turk was. Before the fire. Before a spark took his life away. Back when he was just a stupid kid who thought life would always be that easy...

    //"Come on, Tseng! Put that silly book down and come play outside with his!" Leven, his brother, one year older, grinned as he grabbed the book and held it over his head.

    "Leave him alone!" Cari, his sister, older by two years, scolded, retrieving the book and handing it back. "Here you go, Tsengy. Don't let him bully you."

    Tseng smiled. "Thank you."

    "Was not bullying him!" Leven protested, pouting as he crossed his arms. "I just wanted him to come!"

    "Did you try asking nicely?" she smiled.

    The older boy laughed. "Now what would I do that for?"

    Tseng smiled too, placing down his book. "Well when you put it that way, what choice do I have?"

    Leven's grin widened, and he punched his brother gently in the shoulder as he stood. "That's the spirit, kid!"

    "Kid?" He raised an eyebrow. "I'm a year younger than you!"

    "You're it!" Leven laughed as he tagged his brother and took off into the backyard.

    Cari laughed, following. "Come on, Tsengy! What're you waiting for?"//

    I don't know. You tell me.

    A faint smile touched his lips at that memory, one of many he had of those days. Days that seemed they would never end. But all that went up in smoke. He swallowed hard to keep control as pictures of charred ruins and burning flesh flashed through his memory. Every memory of his family was followed by that reminder. As if he didn't know they were dead. As if he didn't come to that realization seventeen years ago when he emerged from the flames, gasping for life, and no one else did.

    In that sense there were no happy memories. Not when the worst recollection of all was associated with all the pleasant ones. And everything after that....everything between that and Shinra...those were days he'd rather forget. As sick as it made him sometimes, Shinra gave him happy memories again......along with those strong blows to his conscience. But, as he often told himself, small price to pay for a little happiness. Small price.

    He wiped the tears from his eyes, disappointed at himself once again. I know it's okay to cry, but I shouldn't have this much to cry about. Especially when I'm happy. Content at least. Yes. Content.

    But I can never forget it, no matter how hard I try. I'll always see those flames and relive the pain of losing everything I never knew all at once...and I'll probably always cry about it.

    He stood, steadying himself on the desk, hanging his head as he tried to banish the last remnants of the past from his mind.

    At least for now.

    Oh, this would all be back.

    Maybe not today, maybe not even a week from now...

    But Tseng would remember all over again and shed tears over it for infinity.

    I wish I wasn't alone right now, he thought sadly, still wiping away the flow of water that came from his eyes. I wish I was never alone. Then maybe it wouldn't be so bad... Then maybe I wouldn't remember so much... And cry so much.

    His old room.... It was empty this semester, they told him. Something about under enrollment.

    So he went inside, quietly shutting the door behind him. As he glanced around he was reminded of how small he was once. That that desk chair had been the perfect size once, that bed long enough. He stood frozen a moment, remembering how much time he had spent alone in this room, waiting for someone to come see him... All those he cried himself to sleep because no one ever did...

    He sat on that bed again, like he used to once a upon a time. Only this time he wouldn't cry. He would make sure he wouldn't. After all, he knew no one would come see him---they still didn't. Not without their hand out, begging for a few gil. He clenched his fists, wishing he could just throw it all in their face and go crawl off in a hole somewhere to live out the rest of his miserable existence.

    Rufus buried his head in hands. Would it had been so hard for him to come once? Just once while I was here, just to pretend for me. Pretend that he gave a damn besides something other than the cash in his pocket or some far away reactor. I'm your *son*, god dammit, father. Your god damn son. I will never *ever* understand why some slab of metal hundreds of miles away takes precedence over me.

    This room had been this fortress of solitude. It was the only thing he could depend on back then. Whenever he needed a place to cry, it had been here he would run to. The walls couldn't laugh at him for being so weak. They wouldn't pity him for being so lonely. They simply let him as they always did and let him express his grief in safety. No one could see him here. If these walls could talk, he thought warily, what would they say about me?

    //"He promised! Promised for sure this time!" The blanket on his bed was little comfort to his broken heart. "Why does he do this to me? Does he think I won't catch on?" He weakly punched the mattress, defeated tears running from his young eyes. "Why does he hate me? Why does everyone hate me? I hate this!" He punched it again, harder this time. "I hate this school!" Again he punched it. "I hate myself!" He punched harder. "But most of all! I--hate--my---father!" With each word he punched the mattress, as if only that could absorb his pain. Having no more words, he collapsed in tears, burying his face in the softness of the blanket.//

    Rufus clutched at his head, feeling the same wave of emptiness wash through him. Some things never change...this room...it was my only friend...

    I screwed up....I totally screwed up...now things will never get better. I was safe here. Now I'm not safe anywhere. There's no where for me to run to when I want to be alone...

    Disgustedly wiping away his tears, Rufus got to his feet, shaking slightly. These remnants of the past....these visions of what had been and what *could* have been...they would always haunt him. And he would never forget a moment that he spent here, safe by himself.

    He slammed the door as he left, walking briskly for the exit. Rufus Shinra had a new determination: that he would never forget how he made his childhood worse than it could have been. Should have been. He hated himself. Almost as much as he hated his old man. I never thought I would wish I was still here...

    His silver hair whipped gently in the wind, and he pushed it out of his face. He hated being alone at night on these missions like this. All the others had fallen asleep, so he had slipped outside to take a walk. It was a cool night, and windy, but Sephiroth didn't mind. The sky was clear, and the stars shone brightly. It was nights of this that made him think of Vincent.

    It had been far too short. It seemed as though only seconds of their relationship had passed before Vincent was torn from him and dragged away. Every time he thought about, Sephiroth had a stinging pain in his heart, thinking about how he could have stopped it. Couldn't get a grip on his own sword. He hung his head, reminded of his shame. If only he could have killed Hojo...in those seconds he could have struck him down instead of letting his emotions get in the way. He couldn't help but blame himself. Sometimes emotions were a burden that stood in the way. A difficult wall to overcome, it separated the strong from the weak. Those who could stand up and overcome their emotions were strong. Those who let the emotions control them were weak.

    I'm sorry, Vincent. I am sorry that I was so weak. I still am, whenever I think of you. Knowing what I know now, I would probably let Hojo go again. I wouldn't be able to overcome the fear, just like I wasn't able to then.

    He shut his eyes, letting the cool air circulate through his hair. But I wish you were here now with me, my Vincent. Then I wouldn't be so lonely.

    Sephiroth heaved a sigh, retreating into the solitude of the night time shadows. Once he had Vincent in his mind, it was very difficult to concentrate on anything else. The happiest days of his life had been the ones spent by his side, the only happy memories he ever had involved him. And he would never have such happy memories again.

    He said you were still alive Vincent...but that if I killed him, you would die. As much as I hate him, and as much as I don't believe a word  that passes from his lips, I can't help but think maybe this time he may be right. And if he is, I can't take that chance. The last thing in the world I would want to do is harm you, Vincent. I already hurt you so much when I let him take you. I could have stopped him. I could have *stopped* him, Vincent. But I was weak. So weak...

    I can remember every moment we spent together... It's so far in the past now, but in my mind it's so clear I can almost feel your body against mine...

    //"You slept late this morning, my angel."

    "Huh?" Sephiroth lifted his head from the pillow, squinting in the morning sunlight. Vincent was leaning over the bed smiling at him. "Oh, Vincent. Is it morning already?"

    The older man lovingly tousled his hair. "Heaven calls, angel."

    He grinned, "Right," and put his head back on the pillow, closing his eyes.

    A moment later he heard a sultry whisper in his ear. "Angel....."

    Sephiroth buried his face in the pillow. "Mmmmmmn."

    The voice was insistent. "Darling, if you don't get up, I'll be forced to *make* you get up."

    He didn't believe it. "Whatever, Vincent." With those words he rolled away from Vincent, nuzzling into the pillow.

    The Turk sighed. "Very well. You have been warned." Then he reached for Sephiroth, and scooped him up into his arms. "I told you."

    "Vincent!" Sephiroth yelped in surprise, laughing despite himself. "I should have known...I really should have known..."//

    He sighed longingly, eyes fluttering closed as his mind wandered. How many nights did we spend together in your room, my Vincent? A number far beyond my memory... Still....it wasn't enough. Never enough... I need you for eternity and beyond, Vincent, my love, Vincent, just like we promised one another...

//"Sephiroth, my beautiful, beautiful angel--I would *die* for you." He took the cold hand he held so tightly in his own and brought it to his heart. "When Hojo hurts you, he hurts me. My heart beats for you--only for you. Always. For all eternity and beyond." He kissed Sephiroth's hand, enjoying the cold, sterile taste that was and always would be his angel.

    "You complete me, Vincent. Without you there is no life. Only suffering." He smiled weakly. "The pain of the razor slashing my skin is insignificant to the pain I would feel if you were gone."//

    Sephiroth squeezed his eyes shut as he felt the water accumulate. Dammit, Vincent. I'm still weak. So weak for you... I can never be a true soldier, as long as there is a soft spot for you in my heart. And there will always be one, for you will always be with me, no matter where you are. And I will always be with *you*, Vincent, no matter the circumstances. I hope you know that. I love you....

    The SOLDIER wiped at his eyes, feeling once again as though he'd lost the battle. They tell me to forget, Vincent, to forget my past and think of the future. The future of Shinra, of the planet, of my *own* future. But I don't give a damn about any of that. About Shinra, the planet or even myself. All I care about is the moments I shared with you, and the memories I have of us together. You mean more to me than anything in the world.

    Anything....even the sun pales in comparison...

    Reeve walked through the headquarters at a brisk pace, everyone passing in a blur around him. Every thought in his head only shot himself down, made him feel worse and worse about himself. His own voice in his head, so insistent...

    You're a loser...such a loser....you lost everything. You lost your family, your dreams, and I bet you'll lose your only friend too. You'll lose Tseng with your stupidity. You'll drive him away with your pretending. You're such a fool, Reeve. A stupid fool. Hate yourself. Go ahead. You should. You deserve to be hated. Look at all the people who you made so miserable. They all hate you. It's only natural for you to hate yourself.

    He stumbled into the elevator, and the shoved his card key into the slot, tears making the world blurry to his vision.

    Why does this damn *fucking* elevator have to be glass, he wondered, clenching his teeth as he rested his head on the window to cry. Why do I have to see Midgar now? Now of all times? This was my life once, my pride and joy, my one glorious dream. It was all I have...and someday...it will be all that I have left...

    Fucking Shinra. I hate it. I hate it all. Shinra, Midgar and myself. He punched the glass weakly, sobbing harder as he clenched his fists, trying to find a channel of this hatred. Sometimes he didn't know who he hated more, Shinra or himself.

    Oh Tseng... Tseng... I don't understand why  you love me.... Not in the least bit... I'm so terrible...

   // Reeve moaned, his green eyes easing open. "Mmmmm......Tseng?"

    Tseng was hesitant a moment. "Yes?"

    The older man turned around so he was facing the Turk. Smiling, he slid his arms about him. "Thank you for staying."

    "It was my pleasure," he answered.

    "Tseng?" whispered Reeve, bringing his lips close to the younger man's ear. "Tell me you love me again."

    Tseng squeezed his eyes shut. He moaned softly before whispering. "I love you, Reeve."//

    The elevator stopped so suddenly, jerking Reeve back to reality, if only for a moment. He wiped his eyes, took a deep breath and strolled out onto the floor like nothing in the world could upset him. Tseng's office was just a little further, and he hoped he could make it without falling to the floor in hysterical sobs.

    He practically tripped on his own two feet as he went, trying to get there as fast as he could without looking like he was in any kind of hurry. He couldn't act as if he was upset. Then the other heartless bastards would feed off his miserable existence. There were so many horrible people at Shinra... So many it often made him sick to think he worked with these people. But there were some, like Tseng, who weren't bad and would never be so.... Not like himself...he was so horrible...

    Oh the voice in his head was a horrible thing...

    You're a stupid man, Reeve Leander. You and your childish dreams. Never thought anything could go wrong, did you, Reeve? Never *dreamed* it would *ever* turn out this way. Look where your foolish dreams have led you. Far too close to reality. This is where you never wanted to be...

    He stood looking at the window. Down at the city Reeve had built--the city that brought him more pain than he had never imagined. They had both lost their families to that city. They had vanished in different ways, but they were abandoned all the same. It was one of the ways why they understood one another so well.

    Reeve... I wish you were here with me now. I wish you were *always* here with me.... It gets so lonely in this office, and I do love you so much...

    He spun, alerted as he heard the door open. A look of shock  washed over his face as he saw Reeve stumble in, hands covering his face. The older man fell to his knees just inside the office as the door slammed closed.

    The Turk stood transfixed, absolutely astonished for a moment in time. "Reeve!" he called out in alarm when he was finally able to spring back into action. "Reeve! What's wrong!?" He took his friend in his arms, letting him sob into his shoulder.

    "Tell me you don't hate me," said Reeve, clinging onto the Turk with all his strength.

    "Nonsense," Tseng said firmly. "Why would you think that? I love you, Reeve!" He massaged his back gently, rocking his slightly. "Don't cry, beloved. Please..."

    "I'm so bad..." he said. "So evil." He griped Tseng's shoulders tighter, so his knuckles were white with the strain. "Why can't that city burn! Why can't it all burn!"

    Tseng froze, his grip on Reeve loosening it a bit as he had a horrible vision of Midgar burning. "No, Reeve...you don't mean that," he spoke almost absently.

    The older man shifted, pulling away to look up at his friend's face. "No...no...I didn't..." he took his face in his hands, tears still in his eyes as he firmly told him, "I didn't mean it *that* way, my friend."

    The Turk's mind spent another second far away before he looked down and met eyes with the other man. Forget it. Just *forget* it. Running a hand through Reeve's hair, he said, "You're not bad or evil, Reeve. Fuck Midgar. It was all a mistake. You didn't know. No one knew."

    Reeve said,"I have no one but you. Not in a soul in the world cares about me. Only you. Only you, my friend."

    Tseng brought his face closer to the older man's. "And you are all I have in this world, Reeve. And you are all I need. I love you, and I promise to never *ever* leave you." Shaking slightly, he took Reeve's hand firmly in his own, lacing their fingers. "Never." I tried...I can't...even if you don't love me...even if it's bad for both of us...I can't....it was too hard on both of us...

// "Tseng!" Reeve cried out in his sleep. He sounded so thoroughly shaken that the poor Turk just panicked and reacted, taking Reeve and cradling him in his arms.

    "No, Reeve," he soothed, covering his friend's face in frantic kisses, "I'm sorry. So sorry." Tears slipped down his cheeks. How could I? He needs me....and I need him. Whether this is real or not, Reeve relies on me. I won't abandon him. "I'll never do that again."

    The older man's eyes fluttered open, and he reached up to caress Tseng's cheek. "My friend....you're here." He smiled weakly and tried to suppress a yawn. "I had such a nightmare where you weren't."

    Yes...It was a nightmare, wasn't it... "I'll love you forever, Reeve. No matter where I am. Don't forget that. Even if I'm dead, I'll love you." No sense in denying the truth....

    "Tseng," he replied, "you're my best friend. If you die, part of me is buried with you."//

    "I...I'm sorry," Reeve apologized, voice shaking as he wiped at his own tears. "I'm sorry to just come in here and.... If you were busy..."

    "No, no," the younger man assured him, "I was only feeling lonely, and wishing you were here."

    There was a brief silence. "Were you thinking about--"

    "Yes," Tseng cut him off neatly.

    A silence passed between the two old friends.

    "I can never replace them," whispered Reeve, cuddling closer to his friend's chest. "You must miss them."

    I'd like to think that you could compensate for my family's loss, Reeve, but then I remember you can't go around acting as my parents. "When you mentioned the fire, I just--"

    "I'm a jerk. A fool." Reeve cut him off sharply.

    The Turk disagreed. "You weren't thinking. Now stop shooting yourself down. You know it's not true. Not a word of it."

    "Sometimes," Reeve whispered, settling his head against Tseng's chest, "sometimes I'm not so sure..."

    I wish my family was still alive, Reeve. I do. And you wish you hadn't been left by yours. But things like this, they can never change. And even though I'll always wish they were with me, that that fire hadn't claimed their lives, I am happy knowing I have you by my side. And I can only hope that I make you happy at all. "Reeve," he finally spoke, voice soft and gentle, "sometimes, it's best not to think."

    Again, Reeve met his eyes, and they widened slightly as their faces became intimately close. "No.....it's not."

    If only you loved me as I love you, my beloved. Then maybe we wouldn't be so miserable...

    It was so late, but the lone SOLDIER officer standing alone on the hill knew this was another night where he was not sleep.

    It was hard to be still and rest when he thought of Vincent. He knew not what had become of his love, and thought that Hojo had...had terminated his life, well... It did not make for pleasant dreams.

    But as he sat at the base of that tree on the hill, Sephiroth thought of what had been, instead of what might have been. He replayed every memory, letting it flash before his eyes. It was all he needed for company...

    //The Turk moaned, hands coming up through silver strands of hair to gently cup Sephiroth's face. "Sephiroth," he whispered. "I love you beyond compare."

    "What I wouldn't do for you, my Vincent. There's absolutely nothing."

    "Sorry to come so late," Vincent apologized.

    "I'm glad to be with you any time," Sephiroth purred, nuzzling his cheek against the older man's. "I'm sorry to see you hurt."

    He assured him, "I'm all right."

    "Mmmm.....I promise to take your pain away, my darling," he promised, "I'll heal you."//

    We were always hiding, Vincent. Remember? We were always hiding so *he* would never find us out... We both hated him... I still hate him. I will *always* hate him.

      With a sigh, he regretfully thought, Am I still gentle, Vincent? Just like I always promised to be? Even though I've killed all these people... It was no choice of mine. You must know that, Vincent. Where ever you are...I want to always be just like you want me to be. I don't wish to change... I love you, Vincent.

    Slowly he rose, raising from the damp ground to his full height, silver hair shining in the moonlight. For a moment he studied the constellations in the sky, as if maybe if he looked long enough he would see some sign of hope.

    There was none, and the SOLDIER sighed, turning back to the camp.

    Vincent, he thought with great determination before making his way back to the others, I said I would wait. If it takes my whole time here on this planet... it doesn't matter. It would all be time well spent.

    I'm sorry. Sorry I even thought about it. He hung his head, breath making clouds in the cold air. I'm still bitter, I guess, over everything that had to happen to me....to us... I just don't like to think about how everything just fell apart like that. And can you blame me? Can you blame me for getting mad once in awhile? It's only normal. Everyone gets mad...

    In a way, I got what I wanted, didn't I? I'm free... Free just like you wanted for me, right, mom? Just runnin' my own life with no one telling me what the hell I can and can't do. No. I don't have to take none of that shit anymore. Not now that I work for Shinra. Guess I gotta be thankful for that, huh? And I would have never gotten to work for them if you hadn't... if you hadn't...

    Reno swallowed hard as he looked back up at the house that held so much for him. The snow was beginning to fall harder now, and his fingers were growing numb from the temperature. He wanted so badly to cry, to cry for all that he had lost, despite how much he had gained. He wanted to kneel in the snow and cry until his grief was no more than icicles on his cheeks.

    But no.

    No, he thought firmly, clenching his fists. Turks don't cry.

    Mom may be gone, but it can still be you and me, Treen. Someday. God only knows when. But don't give up hope, kay? I know I won't. And I'm a man of my word...

    //"You're going away, Reno?" Trini asked, her eyes wet with tears, "like mommy?"

    Reno shook his head. "No, not like mommy. Not forever. Just for awhile. I have to work so that I can come back and get you."

    Her blue eyes lit up. "You mean you'll come back?"

    The boy nodded firmly. "Of course."

    The little girl hesitated a moment before she threw her arms around her brother and held him tight. "I'll miss you, Reno."

    Reno felt tears threaten to flow, but he wouldn't let them come. Turks don't cry...."I'll miss you too."//

    I miss a lot, Reno mused. In some ways I miss living in this house...even when they used to fight. We called ourselves a family then. Now... Now I'm nothing but a lone wolf.

    It's too important to be forgotten. You are all etched into my heart. Sometimes it may seem like I have no more heart, or like I ain't got a soul anymore, but it all comes back when I think of you....the people who were--no, *are* so important to me. These pieces of my past...they are all I have sometimes...

    The snow was falling in a blanket as the red headed Turk finally turned away from the abandoned house from long ago. A sad smile crossed his lips as he walked back, over the path disappearing beneath the white. His footsteps were being quickly covered by the descending snow, but Reno didn't look back. In some ways he had to leave the past behind: because his mother was never coming back.

    Still, he had not lost everyone. And he would always wish.... Always hope that he would get that chance to be reunited with his only link to his memories. She was the only one who could string those pieces together....

    I feel so weak sometimes...but god no...I won't look back...and Turks don't cry...