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The Many Emotions of Squall Leonhart
Rinoa:
"I love you, Squall!"
Squall:
"Whatever."
~*
Zell:
"I love you, Squall!"
Squall:
"Whatever."
~*
Quistis:
"The Garden burned down, Squall!"
Squall:
"Whatever."
~*
Cid:
"Squall, all your friends are dead and you have five seconds to live!"
Squall:
"Whatever."
~*
Dr. K:
"Squall, I have some disturbing news. It turns out you're not a guy at
all. You're a girl!"
Squall:
"Whatever."
~*
Quistis:
"Squall! I just found out you and I are betrothed! We get married tomorrow!"
Squall:
"Whatever."
~*
Dr. K:
"Squall, I was going through your records and it turns out you and Seifer
are brothers!"
Squall:
"Whatever."
~*
The Many Emotions of Cid Highwind
Shera:
"Hi, Cid."
Cid:
"@$#%!"
~*
Shera:
"I love you, Cid!"
Cid:
"@$#%v+=!"
~*
Cloud:
"Cid, you're the best pilot on the planet!"
Cid:
"@$#%v+=;{/!"
~*
Shera:
"Cid, you're the most important person alive."
Cid:
"@$#%v+=;{/&x*>!"
~*
Shera:
"Cid, look! You've inherited a fleet of ships!"
Cid:
"@$#%v+=;{/&x*>e`:<q_#!"
~*
Cloud:
"Cid, you single handily killed Sephiroth!"
Cid:
"@$#%v+=;{/&x*>e`:<q_#?!ce/c.com.org.html!"
Cloud and Sephiroth/ Zell and Seifer
FF7 Party...
Cloud:
"Great party, Cait Sith, but why did you invite Sephiroth? We're trying
to kill him!"
Cait Sith:
"Hey, I'm unpopular. I'm trying to make friends!"
Sephiroth:
"Hey, Cloud. How could you be here? You don't really exist!"
(Cloud starts flipping
out)
Barret:
"Yo, man. Why did you have to go and do that for? @$#%!
Sephiroth:
(takes out his sword) "You wanna take this outside?"
FF8 Party...
Rinoa:
"Isn't this party fun, Squall?"
Squall:
"Whatever."
Zell:
"Who invited Seifer?"
Squall:
"Whatever."
Quistis:
"Squall, could you say something else?"
Squall:
"Whatever."
(Seifer comes over)
Seifer:
"Hey, chicken-wuss! Who invited you to the big kid's party? (he winks at
Rinoa) "Hey, Rinoa."
Zell:
"Who invited you, Seifer?"
Seifer: "Squall did."
Zell:
"Squall, did you really?"
Squall:
"Whatever."
Seifer:
"See?"
Zell:
"What means no!"
Seifer:
"No, that means yes, right Squall?"
Squall:
"Whatever."
Zell:
"See?"
Seifer:
"That's it!"
(He and Zell Fight)
THE END
How Fujin and Raijin Met Seifer
Raijin:
"Hey Fujin, look at that guy over there waving his gunblade in those people's
faces. Pretty cool, ya know?"
Fujin:
"HOT."
Raijin:
"You think everyone's hot, ya know?"
Fujin:
"JERK." (pushes him)
Raijin:
"Let's go over there, ya know?"
(They go over)
Fujin:
"HALT."
(Seifer looks at them)
Seifer:
"What's with the eyepatch?"
Fujin:
"SWOON."
Raijin:
"Hey, I'm Raijin, ya know?"
Fujin:
"FUJIN."
Seifer:
"Why does she talk like that?"
Raijin:
"I don't know, ya know?"
Seifer:
"Well, I'm Seifer, and I'm the coolest guy in this Garden!"
Fujin:
"AGREED."
(Squall walks by)
Seifer:
"That guy sucks!"
Squall:
"Whatever."
(He leaves)
Fujin:
"UGLY."
Raijin:
"Hey, he's a loser, ya know?"
(Seifer starts to walk
away. Fujin and Raijin follow)
Seifer:
"Yo, you gonna follow me around?"
Raijin:
"Yeah, ya know?"
Fujin:
"AFFIRMATIVE."
Seifer:
"Cool."
THE END
Laguna:
"Squall, I am your father."
Squall:
(starts crying and banging his fist against the wall) "Oh no! It's not
fair! My father's an idiot!"
Laguna:
"I'm a what now?"
Kiros:
"Ward says the kid's right."
(Ward glares disapprovingly
at Kiros)
Laguna:
(looking at Ward, then at Kiros) "No he didn't, Kiros. Why do you blame
all the nasty things you're thinking on Ward, just cause he can't speak?!"
Kiros:
(looks around frantically) "Uh...Ward says he's gonna go flirt with Rinoa
now." (Runs from the room.)
Squall:
"Hey! That my chick!" (Follows Kiros out)
Laguna:
(shrugs) "Whatever. That went pretty well."
(Ward shakes his head)
(Meanwhile...)
Irvine:
"Hey, Selphie, what do you think of this idea. We convince Rinoa Squall's
boring, and go have a threesome!"
Selphie:
"Ew! Irvine, that's the 4th time you suggested that today!"
Irvine:
"Is that a no?"
Selphie:
"Yes!"
Irvine:
"Damn!"
Zell:
(punching the air) "Don't worry, Selphie. I'll take care of cowboy jerk
for ya."
Irvine:
(laughs) "Yeah. Right."
Zell:
(starts flipping out) "You wanna take this outside?!"
Irvine:
"No." (walks away)
(Kiros talks to Rinoa)
Rinoa:
"Uh...that's really nice, Kiros."
Kiros:
(showing off his Katal) "Yeah, and it makes chopping vegetables really
easy."
Rinoa:
"Does it come off?"
Kiros:
"It can do whatever you want, baby." (winks)
Squall:
"Rinoa! Come on! If you come back I'll stop saying 'whatever' so much!"
Rinoa:
"Really?"
Squall:
"Whatever...whoops."
Irvine:
"Hey, Selphie. Maybe Quistis will let me borrow her whip!" (wink)
Selphie:
"Ew! No!" (snatches 'Girl Next Door' Magazine from Irvine) "Stop reading
that! I'm going to give it to someone who won't know what to do with it!"
(gives it to Zell)
Zell:
"Hey, what's this?" (begins flipping through it.) "Whoa." (goes to sit
in the corner with it)
Rinoa:
"Sorry, Kiros. But I love Squall."
Squall:
"Score!" (goes off with Rinoa)
Irvine:
(pouts) "I'm not getting anywhere with these Balamb Garden chicks. Galbadia
Garden chicks were much easier." (looks at Zell, who's engrossed in the
magazine) "And that stupid jerk has my favorite magazine!"
Laguna:
(rushing in) "Hey hey! I'm President of Esthar!"
Kiros:
"Ward says he hates you."
Laguna:
(looks around) "But Ward's not even here, Kiros...."
THE END
We Now Bring You To A Meeting Of Shinra Inc.
(Reeve sits alone in
the conference room, his Cait Sith remote control in hand)
Reeve:
"Heh heh. This cat's a great way to check out chicks without them knowing."
(frowns) "Oh no! Tifa, where're you going?"
(Just then the conference
room door opens and Rufus and the gang march in)
Rufus:
"Reeve?"
(Reeve shoves his remote
control under his coat)
Reeve:
(smiling innocently) "Yes?"
Rufus:
(frowns) "What were you doing?"
Reeve:
"Nothing."
Rufus:
"*Really*?"
Reeve:
"Yes."
Rufus:
(not convinced) "Fine. We're having a meeting now."
(Everyone takes their
seats)
Rufus:
"So, what do you have to report?"
Heidegger:
"Gya haa haa! Cloud and his band of rejects have stolen almost all the
huge materia!"
Rufus:
"That's not good! Why are you laughing?"
Heidegger:
"Gya haa haa?"
Scarlet:
"President Gorgeous...er...Rufus, I'm happy to report our new weapon is
almost ready."
Rufus:
"Splendid. Soon Sephiroth will be no more."
Reeve:
"Uh....President Rufus, Cloud and his friends also have plans to defeat
Sephiroth. Why don't we work together to rid the planet of him?"
Heidegger:
"Gya haa haa!"
Scarlet:
"Kya haa haa!"
Heidegger:
"Good one, Reeve!"
Palmer:
"What about the space program?"
Rufus:
"The space program? We destroyed the rocket when we attempted to destroy
meteor!"
Palmer:
"Oh. Right."
Rufus:
"Now, if there's nothing else, I'm going to go fix my hair."
(He leaves)
Scarlet:
(sighs) "He is so hot."
THE END
Cait Sith Roasting On A Cosmo Fire...
(The gang is gathered
around the Fire in Cosmo Canyon)
Cloud: "Hey! Let's
roast Cait Sith over the flame!"
Barret: "Yeah! He @#$%x+&
sucks!"
Cait Sith: "No! Come
on guys!" (sings) "I love you, you love me...."
Yuffie: "We can steal
his materia!"
Cid: "@$#%ee)*^!~=+q_>/4>!"
Tifa: "I agree with
Cid."
Bugenhagen: "Ho ho
hoo. Go get some more sticks, Nanaki."
Cait Sith: (still singing)
"...we're a happy family..."
Vincent: "Hmmm...do
you think we should eat him?"
Barret: "Nah, he probably
tastes like @#%$."
Cloud: "Let's burn
his crappy m-phone too!"
(all advance towards
Cait Sith)
THE END
"This is the story of how 44 hours of work on my 1st FF7 game got erased. I blame it all on Sephiroth. He did it on purpose."
"She's just looking for someone to blame."
"Ok, here's the story:"
Me: "I'm
bored."
(My sister hogs the
computer, writing a paper for school)
My sister:
"Play Final Fantasy."
Me: (thinks)
"But all I have to do in 7 is level up everything. That's kind of boring."
Sephiroth:
(sitting on the couch) "Your pitiful band will never destroy me."
Me: "Shut
up."
My sister:
"Huh? Are you talking to me?"
Me: "Never
mind." *sigh* "I guess I'll play FF7. But I'll start a new game."
Sephiroth:
"Wuss."
(I glare at Sephiroth
and turn on the game. I begin playing.)
Sephiroth:
"Cloud is a pathetic excuse for a human being."
Me: "Shush!
I'm trying to concentrate!"
My sister:
"Well excuse me! I have to type this! Unlike you, I do school work at home!"
Me: "Huh?"
(I reach a save point) "Hmmm....should I save? I think I only have one
blank space left on the memory card."
Sephiroth:
"Oh, just save your pathetic game."
(I go to save)
Sephiroth:
"You're never going to beat this game. I am undefeatable."
(I select a memory
card slot and turn around.)
Me: "You
just wait, Sephiroth." (I continue pressing the "ok" button)
Sephiroth:
(looking past me, suddenly grinning) "We'll see."
Me: "Huh?"
(I turn back around. My 44 hours of work are gone and I see Cloud and Barret,
level 6, at the Mako Reactor #1) "Vincent?!" (pause, as my jaw hits the
floor) "Oh my g-d! I saved over my game!"
Sephiroth:
"Muha haa haa!" (does that annoying thing when he holds up his hand while
he laughs)
My sister:
"You're an idiot."
Me: "I
saved over my game! 44 hours of work! 44 hours! Gone! Gone! @$X%#[+!"
Sephiroth:
"And the first word out of your mouth when you realize this is 'Vincent'?!
Please."
Me: "I
don't believe it! What an idiot! I saved over my game!"
Sephiroth:
"You are quite stupid."
Me: (turning
around) "It's all your fault!"
My sister:
"My fault?!"
Sephiroth:
"I was merely sitting here."
Me: "You
distracted me!"
My sister:
"I'm typing a paper!"
Sephiroth:
"I don't remember forcing you to look upon my god-like figure."
My sister:
"You're blaming me for you mistake?"
Me: (to
my sister) "It was Sephiroth's fault! He didn't want me to come and kick
his @$$!"
Sephiroth:
(mumbles) "Like you had a chance."
My sister:
"Sure....Sephiroth."
Sephiroth:
"See? I prove my point. You have no proof."
Me: "Now
I have to start all over!"
Sephiroth:
"Just think of all the wonderful moments you get to relive...me killing
Aeris..."
(I shudder)
Sephiroth: "Yes,
that was enjoyable. Then there's the runaway train...."
(I shudder)
Sephiroth:
"Oh, you had fun with Schizo, Carry Armor and Hojo..."
(I shudder)
Sephiroth:
"Then there's diamond weapon and Rufus' death..."
Me: "No!
It's just not fair!"
Sephiroth:
*grins* "On the plus side, you get to watch Cloud cross dress...."
"So there's the story."
"Not a word is true."
"Oh please. Now that I'm back to where I was...." *evil grin*
"I can quote a time when you said you did not want to kill me! Do you recall?"
"Ummm....no."
"It did occur! And perhaps you remember your swear to destroy all WEAPONS after what they did to Rufus."
"Rufus!"*sob* (runs to get tissues)
"Now if that doesn't work every time. *evil grin* "Now then. I would just like to state that Lark is just one big liar. I'm actually her favorite character, not that pretty boy Shinra or that wuss Kinneas. Also, she greatly prefers FF7 to FF8. After all, who couldn't? I would also like to add that could you trust someone who goes around using a false name?"
(Reenters)
"Sephiroth, what have you been saying about me?"
*smiles innocently* "Why absolutely nothing, my absolutely beautiful webmistress."
*raises eyebrows* "Sure."
"The truth can prove to be disturbing. After all, just ask Cloud.
That's enough from you.
Nonsense. I've never said enough.
Tifa:
"Oh, Cloud! I'm so glad we're having this party!"
Cloud:
"We're having a what now?"
Tifa:
*laughs* "You're so funny, Cloud."
Cloud: "Heh
heh....yeah." *shrugs*
(doorbell)
Tifa:
"Ooh! Someone's here!"
(Opens the door. It's
Selphie and Irvine)
Tifa:
"Hi, Selphie! Hi, Irvine! Great to see you!"
Selphie:
"I brought a strawberry shortcake!"
Irvine:
"I brought a bottle of tequila." (he winks at Tifa) "Hey, groovy chick."
(Selphie smacks him)
Selphie:
"Irvine! We discussed this!"
(They give their stuff
to Cloud and go downstairs)
Tifa:
"Look! It's Vincent!"
Vincent:
"Greetings." (holds out a plate) "Brownies. I baked them myself."
(Tifa and Cloud exchange
a confused looks)
Tifa:
"Thanks, Vincent. The party's down there."
Cloud:
"Look. There's what's his face. The cat/dog guy."
Tifa:
"That's Red, Cloud. Oh, and look! Bugenhagen came too!"
Red:
"Hello."
Bugenhagen:
"Ho ho hoo. We brought roasted chocobo."
Red:
"I roasted it on the Cosmo flame myself."
Tifa:
"Oh! My favorite!"
(Red and Bugenhagen
go downstairs)
Tifa:
"Oh, hi, Zell."
Zell:
"Uh....hi. My mom baked an apple pie for the party."
Tifa:
(taking it) "Thanks, Zell."
Zell:
"Uh....is Squall here yet?"
Cloud:
"Who?"
Tifa:
"No."
(Zell goes downstairs)
Cloud:
"Tifa, why are all these people in the house?"
Tifa:
"Cloud, don't me explain it again. Hi Sephiroth!"
(Sephiroth says nothing
at first, he just glares)
Tifa:
"Sorry about that whole trying to kill you thing. We're glad you came."
Sephiroth:
"I brought wine....red wine."
Tifa:
"Uh...great. Everyone's downstairs."
Cloud:
"I know him...."
Tifa:
"Hey, Squall! Hey, Rinoa!"
Rinoa:
"Hi, Tifa." (nudges Squall) "Say hello, Squall."
Squall: (mumbles) "Hello."
Rinoa:
"I brought chocolate cupcakes."
Squall: "Caviar."
Tifa:
(gasps) "Squall, this must have cost you hundreds of Gil!"
Squall:
"Whatever."
(He and Rinoa go downstairs)
Tifa:
"Barret! Cid! Glad you could come!"
Cid:
"@$#%x+!"
Tifa:
"Great....I love....uh...beef jerky."
Barret:
"Yo! I brought the keg! So prepare to get drunk off your @$$!"
Cloud:
"Okay....what's going on?"
Tifa:
"Forget Cloud. Everyone's downstairs. Hi Quistis."
Quistis:
"Hi. Thanks for inviting me. I brought some hot dogs from Garden." (lowers
her voice) "Uh, I kinda stole them, so if anyone asks, it was Zell."
Tifa:
"Okay...everyone's down there."
Cloud:
"Uh....who invited Heidegger and Scarlet?"
Tifa:
"Cloud! You actually recognized someone!"
Cloud:
"Huh?"
Heidegger:
"I brought chips."
Tifa:
"Uh...this is 'snack size'."
Heidegger:
"Gya haa haa!"
Scarlet:
"I brought wine coolers. Where's Rufus?" (goes downstairs)
Tifa:
"Cheapskate."
Cloud:
"B*tch."
Tifa:
"Oh look! It's Seifer!"
Seifer:
"Uh...I tried to catch some fish...uh, I mean I caught some fish, but they
were....uh....too big to bring. Yeah."
Tifa:
"Okay..."
(He goes downstairs)
Tifa:
"Hi, Rufus! Oh, and you brought the Turks."
Elena:
"Yeah. Is there a problem?"
Tseng:
"Elena..."
Elena:
"Sorry."
Rufus:
(pushes hair out of eyes) "I brought some chocolates."
Reno:
"I brought some Jack Daniels! Let's get this party started!"
Rude:
"........."
Tifa:
"Look, Cloud. It's Laguna, Kiros and Ward!"
Cloud:
"Who's doing what now?"
Laguna:
"Uh...we had a cake, but, uh...."
Kiros:
"Laguna dropped it."
Ward:
"......."
Kiros:
"Ward says Laguna's an idiot. Luckily, we bought a second one and wouldn't
let Laguna near it."
Ward: "........"
Kiros:
"Ward says you're hot and he wants your number, but you should give it
to me so I can hold it for him."
Ward:
(pushes Kiros) "......."
Kiros:
"Ward says he wants to get drunk and hook up with a hot chick."
Laguna:
"Uh....I don't think he meant that, Kiros."
Kiros:
"Ward says to shut your mouth."
Laguna:
"But Ward didn't say anything...."
(they go downstairs)
Tifa:
"Hey, Yuffie!"
Yuffie:
(grumbles) "Here." (trudges downstairs)
Tifa:
"Destruct materia?"
Cloud:
"....you can't eat that..."
Tifa:
"Reeve?"
Reeve:
"Yup."
Tifa:
"No Cait Sith?"
Reeve:
"No."
Tifa:
"Oh."
Cloud:
"Good."
Reeve:
"I brought some popcorn."
Tifa:
"Great. Well, everyone's downstairs."
Cloud:
"Is that everyone?"
Tifa:
"Yup."
Cloud:
"Then who's that?"
Tifa:
(looks) "Ack! Hojo!" (slams the door shut)
Hojo:
"Hello? Anyone home? I brought seaweed and crab juice! Hello? Tifa? Cloud?
Sephiroth? I know you're in there, son!"
(Cloud and Tifa head
downstairs)
Quistis:
"Zell! I worked hard to get those hot dogs, and you eat them in 5 seconds
flat!"
Zell:
(mouth full) "Sorry."
Barret:
"Hey, Cid. I bet I can get drunker than you!"
Cid:
"@X+$#%!"
Barret:
"Fine! You're on!"
Rude:
"I want to get in on this bet!"
Reno:
"Me too!"
Irvine:
"Me three!"
Selphie:
"No, Irvine. Put the tequila down."
Irvine:
"Ooohhh...." (pouts)
Kiros:
(to Elena) "Hey. I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?"
Elena:
"Eek! Tseng, protect me!"
Tseng:
"Elena...you're a Turk."
Elena:
"Right..." (kicks Kiros. Guess where)
Kiros:
"Ow!!!!"
Scarlet:
"Hi, Rufus." (strokes his arm)
Rufus:
(looks at her hand on his arm) "Uh...please don't touch me."
(Sephiroth walks by,
drinking his wine right out of the bottle, the masamune over one shoulder)
Barret:
"I'm gonna drink ya under the @#$& table!"
Cid:
"@#$%*&!"
Rude:
"I'll drink ya under the ground."
Reno:
"I'll drink ya under the planet."
Sephiroth:
"I am the planet."
Cloud:
"No you're not."
Sephiroth:
"Jenova filled puppet!"
Cloud:
(goes crying to Tifa) "Tifa, Sephiroth called me a Jenova filled puppet!"
Tifa:
"Yeah, well he's a Jenova filled psychopath and son of Hojo."
Cloud:
"Yeah! So there!"
Seifer:
"Listen! I don't have any materia!"
Yuffie:
"Liar! Stupid, ugly liar!"
Seifer:
"Hey! Rinoa, am I ugly?"
Rinoa:
"Whatever."
Squall:
"Hey, you stole my line!"
Bugenhagen:
"Ho ho hoo. Absorb the humor that is everywhere, Nanaki."
Red:
"Grandfather, what are you talking about?"
Bugenhagen:
"I don't know...I think I had a little too much of that Irvine fellow's
tequila."
Vincent:
"Hmmm...I hope everyone likes my brownies."
Hojo:
(peering throught the window) "I know you're in there!" (bangs on the glass)
"Stupid Turk!"
(Tseng, Elena, Reno,
Rude and Vincent all turn around.)
Elena:
"Hey!"
Reno:
"I'm trying to drink here!"
Rude:
"........"
Elena:
"Don't make me come out there!"
Tseng:
"Elena....."
Elena:
"Sorry."
Vincent:
"Were you referring to me, Hojo?"
Tifa:
(closing the blinds) "Heh...nothing to see there, folks."
Hojo's voice:
"Hey!"
Laguna:
"Yeah, I had to fight a red dragon off with a gunblade once. It wasn't
unpossible."
Squall:
"Uh....*in*possible."
Laguna:
"Whatever."
Squall:
"That's *my* line."
Laguna:
(laughs) "Whatever."
Squall:
"Grrrr..."
Seifer:
"Rinoa, get this freak away from me!" (fends off Yuffie)
Rinoa:
"Seifer, can't you see I'm here with Squall?"
Seifer:
"Whatever--"
Squall:
"I say that!!"
Seifer:
"--help me!"
Yuffie:
"Give me your materia, ya big bully!"
Sephiroth:
(walking by) "Jerks."
Seifer:
"Hey! No one gets away with that!" (goes after him)
Yuffie:
"Hey! Come back here!"
Selphie:
"Hey! What happened to my strawberry shortcake?"
Zell:
(mouth full) "I don't know."
Selphie:
"He-ey! Where's my Irvine?"
Cloud:
(to Tifa) "Who are you?"
Tifa:
"Cloud, I'm Tifa."
Cloud:
"Aeris?"
Tifa:
"No, Cloud."
Bugenhagen:
"Ho ho ho ho hoo hoo hoooo hooo.....howoaho...."
Red:
"Grandfather?"
Bugenhagen:
"Don't worry, Nanokeykey. I'm just a little....hoooo ho!"
Red:
"I told you to lay off that stuff!"
Vincent:
"....I hope I remembered the sugar in those brownies..."
Rufus:
"What are Rude and Reno doing?"
Heidegger:
"Gya haa haa!"
Rufus:
"Did I ask for your input?"
Heidegger:
"Gya ha?"
Scarlet:
"They're drinking, darling."
Rufus:
"Wonderful. A pair of drunk Turks. And don't call me darling."
Reeve:
"Hi, everyone."
Scarlet:
"Reeve? What are you doing here?"
Reeve:
"I was invited."
Rufus:
"Wait a minute. If you, me, Scarlet, Heidegger, and the Turks are here,
and Hojo wishes he was....who's running the company?"
Heidegger:
"Gya haa haa?"
Rufus and Scarlet:
"Palmer!!"
Quistis:
"Has anyone seen my whip?"
Barret:
"I'll drink ya under the @#$%*& tabbblllee...."
Cid:
"@@@###$$$%%%&&&***....."
Tifa:
"Don't you think you two have had enough?"
Barret:
"Git outta ere woman..."
Cid:
"@@##...."
Seifer:
"Hey, you!"
Sephiroth:
(turning around) "Are you speaking to me?"
Seifer:
"Yeah! You called me a jerk!"
Sephiroth:
"And I was correct."
Seifer:
"Hey! No one talks to Seifer like that!"
Sephiroth:
"Seffer?"
Seifer:
"No, Seifer."
Sephiroth:
"I like Seffer better."
Seifer:
"That's not my name!"
Selphie: "Has
anyone seen Irvine?"
Irvine:
"Yee haw! I'm right here, cowgirl!"
Selphie:
"Irvine, were you drinking that tequila?"
Irvine:
"Uh....no?"
Hojo:
"Vincent! You can have Lucretia! Let me in!"
Vincent:
"I choose to ignore you, Hojo."
Yuffie:
"Ew! Shinra!"
Rufus:
"Excuse me. I don't care for that."
Yuffie:
"Grossness!"
Heidegger:
"Gya haa haa!"
Rufus:
"Would you stop laughing?! What the hell is so funny?!"
Scarlet:
"The President does not care for your negative words describing Shinra."
Yuffie:
"Shut up, slut!" (runs off)
Heidegger:
"Gya haa haa!"
Rufus:
(laughs) "Fine. Now you may laugh."
Kiros:
(holding Quistis' whip) "Heh heh." (to Elena) "Look what I've got!"
Elena:
"Get lost." (kicks him. guess where.)
Tseng:
"Elena..."
Elena:
"Yes, Tseng?"
Tseng:
"That was....beautiful."
Elena:
"Thanks."
(They start to make
out)
Quistis:
(picking up her whip) "Ah ha!"
Tifa:
"Hey! What happened to all the caviar Squall brought?"
Zell:
(shrugs, mouth full) "I don't know."
Yuffie:
"Hey, you!"
Seifer:
"Eep!" (to Sephiroth) "I'll deal with you later." (runs off)
Sephiroth:
"Sure...." (drinks more wine)
Barret:
(sitting on the floor) "Drink.....floor..." (passes out)
Cid:
"@$#%." (passes out)
Reno:
"Ha ha! We bested them! Turks rock!" (he and Rude give each other high
5's)
Selphie:
"No more for you, Irvine!" (leads Irvine away and drops the bottle of tequila
near Bugenhagen)
Bugenhagen:
"Ho ho!" (grabs bottle)
Laguna:
"....and so isn't that a funny story?"
Squall:
"No."
Laguna:
"Whatever!"
Squall:
(taking out his gunblade) "STOP SAYING MY
LINE!" (attacks Laguna)
Laguna:
"Ack!"
Rinoa:
"Squall, stop! It's not even a good line!"
Heidegger:
(pointing at Squall) "Gya haa haa!"
Rufus:
"Shut up or you're fired."
Scarlet:
"You're so decisive, President Rufus!"
Rufus:
"Stop hitting on me."
Reeve:
"I hope Palmer's not resurrecting the space program as we speak."
Rufus:
"If he is, I'll send *him* into orbit."
Heidegger:
"Gya haa haa!"
Scarlet:
"You're so witty, President Rufus!"
Rufus:
"Would you two suck-ups knock it off?!"
Bugenhagen:
"Feel the Force, Nanakeykey."
Red:
"Grandfather, what the hell are you talking about? And I'm NanaKI."
Bugenhagen:
"Ho ho! Live long and prosper!"
Seifer:
(from behind the couch) "Is she gone?"
Yuffie:
"Ha ha!"
Seifer:
"Eek!" (runs)
Kiros:
"Hey, Ward. Help me out here, will you?"
Ward:
(kicks him) "......."
Kiros:
"Ow!"
Vincent:
"Where are my brownies?"
Zell:
(shrugs, mouth full) "I don't know."
Rinoa:
"Zell! Help me break up Squall and Laguna!"
Zell:
"Can't. Eating."
Rinoa:
"Quistis! Help!"
Quistis:
"Ohmygosh! Squall!" (runs over)
Reno:
"Hey, where are Tseng and Elena?"
Rude:
"......" (points)
Rufus:
"Oh my g-d!"
Heidegger:
"Gya haa haa!"
Scarlet:
"Hey Rufus...getting any ideas?"
Rufus:
"With you? Oh no."
Heidegger:
"Gya haa haa!"
Scarlet:
"Shut up."
Tifa:
"Oh dear. This is not going well."
Cloud: "I
told you."
Tifa:
"You don't even know what's going on!"
Cloud:
(hangs head) "Don't mock me."
Sephiroth:
(crying) "I want my mommy!"
Reno:
"How drunk is he?"
Hojo:
"Sephiroth! Daddy's right outside!"
Sephiroth:
"I want *mommy*."
Hojo:
(in a high pitched voice) "Sephiroth! It's me, your *real* mother, Lucretia!"
Vincent:
"That's not Lucretia's voice..."
Squall:
"I'll show you not to steal my line!!"
Laguna:
"Ow! No hair pulling!"
Quistis:
"Squall! If you don't stop I'm going to have to discipline you when we
get back to Garden!"
Barret:
"........."
Cid:
"........."
Ward:
".........."
Kiros:
"Shut up, Ward."
Irvine:
(pointing to Tseng and Elena) "Hey, Selphie. Let's do what they're doing."
Selphie:
"No!"
Irvine:
(mumbles) "This party blows."
Cloud:
"Hey! Who ate all the food?"
Zell:
(shrugs, mouth full) "I dunno." (walks away)
Vincent:
(holding Sephiroth back) "No, Sephiroth! It's Hojo!"
Sephiroth:
"Ew."
Hojo:
"Don't listen to that stupid Turk, Sephiroth!"
Sephiroth:
"Urge to kill rising....."
Hojo:
"Whoo hoo!"
Sephiroth:
"Urge to kill Hojo rising...."
Hojo:
"Eek!" (sounds of footsteps running)
Sephiroth:
"I will become one with the planet!" (disappears)
Tifa:
(surveys the scene of Cid and Barret passed out, the empty food table,
Bugenhagen stone drunk, Elena and Tseng going at it, Yuffie chasing Seifer
and Laguna and Squall fighting.) "Cloud, remind me to never do this again."
Cloud:
"Huh?"
Bugenhagen:
"Ho ho! Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"
THE END
(Cloud's gang is on the Highwind. Cid is over by the pilot, while Cloud, Tifa, Barret and Vincent stand towards the back, towards the door that leads out of the bridge)
Cid: "@#$%!"
Tifa:
(glances over at him) "You know, I've never said anything before, but I
think Cid curses too much."
Vincent:
"He does have a slight--"
Cid:
"@#$%&^!"
Vincent:
"....problem."
Barret:
"Yo! Ain't nothin' wrong with a swear word once in awhile!"
Tifa:
"Yeah, once in awhile. But everything he says just seems to be one long
jumble of curses!"
Cid:
"@#!#$(!@$!^#$(*@$!@(&!"
Tifa:
"See? Aren't I right, Cloud?"
Cloud:"Who
are we talking about?"
Vincent:
"What do you propose we do about it?"
Tifa:
(thinks) "Hey, I've got an idea. Call Cid over here."
Barret:
"Yo, Cid! Get yo @$$ over here!"
Cid:
(coming over) "!@#$@!?!"
Tifa:
"Cid, we'd like to speak with you about your *very* slight cursing problem."
Cid:
"@$#%?!?!"
Barret:
"That's what I said."
Tifa:
"We think you should have a swear jar."
Cloud:
"A huh- what?"
Tifa:
"Shut up, Cloud."
Cid:
"@$#%!?"
Tifa:
"That means every time you curse you put one Gil in the jar. It's supposed
to help you stop cursing."
Barret:
"Yo, that's crazy, woman! @#%$!"
Tifa:
"Shut up, Barret, or you'll have one too." (smiles at Cid.) "So what do
you think, Cid? Just a trial run. Let's say a week. Just to see how you
do."
Cid:
(shrugs) "Okay."
Tifa:
(looks surprised) "Okay? You mean you'll do it? Just like that?"
Cid:
"Why not?"
Barret:
"Yo! This ain't no fun! I bet there's 100 Gil in that swear jar by the
end of the week."
Cid:
"No way! There will be no more than 30!"
Cloud:
"What? It's 30 days till meteor hits?"
Vincent:
"Meteor is gone. Sephiroth is defeated, if you'll recall."
Cloud:
"Who?"
DAY 1
Tifa:
"Good morning, Cid."
Cid:
"Good morning."
Pilot:
(running in frantically) "Captain! There's been a slight accident on the
bridge!"
Cid:
"Oh @%#$!"
DAY 2
Tifa:
"Well, Cid, you tried your best but you cursed 21 times yesterday."
Cid:
"Don't worry. Today I'm curse free."
Cloud:
"Uh, Cid? I used your toothbrush by mistake. You still want it?"
Cid:
"What the @#$%=+*!"
DAY 3
Tifa:
"Yesterday you cursed 15 times, Cid."
Cid:
(grins) "Hey, I'm gettin' better."
Cait Sith:
(bouncing in) "Uh, Cid? You know your favorite spear?"
Cid:
"Yeah...."
Cait Sith:
(nervously) "Uh....were you really attached to it?"
Cid:
"@X+=@#$%&<*/.com!"
DAY 4
Tifa:
"You cursed 12 times yesterday, Cid."
Cid:
"It's still an improvement."
(goes into his room
and shuts the door. Tifa starts to walk away)
Cid:
(from inside) "Where's my @#X+/<% materia?!"
(Tifa shakes her head
and walks away)
DAY 5
Tifa:
"You cursed 23 times yesterday, Cid. Your worst day yet."
Cid:
(shakes head) "Yeah, I had to borrow money from Red. But today I turn over
a new leaf! No more cursing!"
Cait Sith:
"Hey, Cid! Shera's on the PHS!"
Cid:
"Why that @$X#--whoops."
DAY 6
Tifa:
"You're not doing well, Cid."
Cid:
@#$%!"
Tifa:
"Cid!"
Cid:
"Whoops. Sorry, that was a reflex."
DAY 7
Tifa:
"This is it, Cid. You're last day. Think you can make it?"
Cid:
(grinning proudly) "Course!"
Pilot:
(running in) "Captain! The control's are broken! We're gonna crash!"
Cid:
(springing into action) "This flying hunk of Shinra junk!" (runs to the
controls) "Get me some tools, you pathetic excuse for a living creature!"
(Cid gets his tools
and begins to work silently)
Cid:
(after he bangs his hand) "What the---uh...ow."
Tifa:
(covers eyes) "We gonna make it?"
Cid:
"Of course!" (finishing fiddling) "Whoo hoo! I did it!"
Tifa:
"Wow, Cid! You did it, and you didn't curse at all! I'm so proud of you!"
(Cid beams, and holds
up Cait Sith's M-phone)
Cid:
"Here was the problem. Someone jammed this in there."
Tifa:
"Oh dear."
Cait Sith:
(bouncing in) "Oh hey! You found my m-phone! So that's where I left it!
Thanks, Cid!"
Cid:
(charging at Cait Sith, m-phone in hand) "@#$ce/e%^*&+<=X{>/q_.thml.com.gov.org!"
Cait Sith:
(shielding himself) "Ah! No, Cid! That thing's capable of taking off 9
hit points!"
(Tifa covers her eyes)
LATER....
(Tifa is counting the
money in the swear jar)
Tifa:
".....one fourteen, one fifteen, one sixteen." (sighs) "116 Gil."
Barret:
"Told ya!"
Tifa:
"What should we do with the money?"
Cait Sith:
"I need a new m-phone."
Cloud:
"I can't find my toothbrush."
Red:
"Cid owes me 15 Gil."
(Tifa gives Red 15
Gil and Cloud 5 Gil for a new toothbrush.)
Cait Sith:
"What about me?"
Tifa:
"Why do you need a weapon? You never get to fight anything."
Cait Sith:
(hangs head) "Ooh..."
Tifa:
"Well, Cid. What do you think of your experience?"
Cid:
"@#$=+!"
Red:
"I think Cid speaks for everyone."
Cloud:
"Who's Cid? And where's my toothbrush?"
(Everyone leaves the
room)
Cloud:
"Hey, where'd this money come from? Hey...where am I?"
THE END
"Make it stop!"
"Sephiroth! That's not very nice! I wrote all that!"
"No wonder it's terrible."
"Hey! Just give the links!" (leaves)
*sigh* "This was not what I was born to do.
Click Here if you wish to return to the parodies page."
