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Whoo hoo! Songfic time! This a Bonnie Raitt song, written by M. Reid and A. Shamblin. I take no credit for the lyrics (or the characters for that matter)
So many nights he had lay in this bed, being with Reeve, holding Reeve, touching Reeve, kissing Reeve. The Turk savored each and every moment they were together. Still, there was a voice nagging in back of his head.
He doesn't love you like you love him, it whispered. It's a waste of your emotions.
No, he thought back fiercely. No. I love Reeve, and it doesn't matter....as long as he needs my love, I'm willing to give it. Even if....even if...he doesn't...
The Turk watched silently as the older man stripped down to his boxers and yawned. "Shut the lights, please," he requested.
Tseng remained silent as he fulfilled his beloved's request and waited for Reeve to turn down the covers and lay down before joining him. He slipped besides his friend, drawing him close, arms around his waist.
The older man settled against him and said, "good night."
Tseng softly echoed the words, his mind occupied with more conflicting thoughts.
Just make him say it....make him stop lying to both of you....you know this won't last. When he finds a woman he can trust....
Tseng held Reeve tighter, rocking gently and squeezing his eyes shut to stop the tears. They came anyway, flowing beneath his lashes and trickling down his cheeks.
Look at me...crying again....Why do I always get like this? If the others could see me I'd be laughed out of the organization....Oh Reeve...I don't want to give you up.....
Turn down the lights, turn
down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head.
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close
Don't patronize, don't patronize me.
Tseng remember Reeve's words from the first night they spent together.
"I do love you, my friend."
Yes...my friend. My friend. It was always my friend. You're my best friend, Tseng.....Who was he trying to kid? Reeve may love Tseng, yes. But as nothing more than a close friend. A close friend whom he needed to draw love and support from...but for how much longer? How long could Reeve keep lying to himself, trying futilely to convince his heart he loved Tseng back in the same way the Turk loved him.
I can't make him have feelings for me, Tseng thought sadly. It's sill new to him...still unnatural...two men in bed together. He's not like me. How long before he wakes up and I sleep alone again? The young man pressed a kiss to his love's neck. My beloved Reeve....you're so beautiful. I've given you my heart, and it doesn't matter what you do with it. My feelings for you are overwhelmingly strong...but I can't give you any of it. There is no way I could make you see...
Cause I can't make you love
me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it
won't
Here in the dark
In these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
But you won't
No you won't
Cause I can't make you love me,
If you don't
Reeve turned around so he was facing the younger man, looking confused. "Tseng? Are you all right?"
Tseng had his eyes tightly shut. He couldn't look Reeve in the eyes....not right now....not without crying.... "Yes. Perfectly fine."
I'll close my eyes
Then I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're holding me
The older man must have bought the Turk's lies, because the next thing he felt was Reeve nuzzle up against him with a pleased sigh.
Tseng stiffened. I have to do the right thing...in the morning. I can let go by then...He sighed, looking down at the other man cuddled against him. My sweet beloved...I'm sorry...but I can't let you lie to yourself. It's hurting us both....Reluctantly he detached himself from Reeve. If I can make it the whole night without touching him, it will make it easier....
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
Hours ticked by, but the Turk found himself unable to sleep. Reeve tossed and turned besides him, clearly in the middle of a nightmare. He needs me to hold him...Tseng almost gave in, but stopped himself from reaching out, taking that warm body in his arms and soothing him beloved's fear. No Reeve....it's wrong to depend so falsely on me. I'm not your lover. I want to give you everything, but I can't. I just can't....
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it
won't
The hours inched into the past and Tseng felt himself growing not tired, but lonely for Reeve's embrace. Whether he loves me as a friend or lover he's always willing to hold me....
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart
and I'll feel the power
"Tseng!" Reeve cried out in his sleep. He sounded so thoroughly shaken that the poor Turk just panicked and reacted, taking Reeve and cradling him in his arms.
"No, Reeve," he soothed, covering his friend's face in frantic kisses, "I'm sorry. So sorry." Tears slipped down his cheeks. How could I? He needs me....and I need him. Whether this is real or not, Reeve relies on me. I won't abandon him. "I'll never do that again."
The older man's eyes fluttered open, and he reached up to caress Tseng's cheek. "My friend....you're here." He smiled weakly and tried to suppress a yawn. "I had such a nightmare where you weren't."
Yes...It was a nightmare, wasn't it... "I'll love you forever, Reeve. No matter where I am. Don't forget that. Even if I'm dead, I'll love you." No sense in denying the truth....
"Tseng," he replied, "you're my best friend. If you die, part of me is buried with you."
I know, Reeve. I know...
But you won't
No you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
"Hold me tight, my friend," Reeve requested. "I want to forget that nightmare."
So do I. Tseng drew Reeve close to him so he could feel the other man's heartbeat against his chest. It beats with me, but not for me.
If you don't
End