You don't love a man because he's handsome, he is handsome because you love him.

        Do people change much in three years? In some ways I did. I had certainly grown as far as my body was concerned. It may sound like I'm bragging, but I had worked out to the point where I was built like a sculpture. I was actually *strong*. And really, I had to be. Being a Turk wasn't easy. And sometimes it wasn't fun. But most of all, I knew in the back of my mind that I had not even been given the hard core assignments yet. ...Yes, I was eighteen, I was a Turk, and I had yet to kill anyone. I had done many other horrible things that sent chills down my spine, but I had yet to take someone's life. It was not something I liked to think about. My work personality was so different from my 'real' personality that I tried not to think about one when I was in the other. I never questioned what I did. And I knew that when it came time to kill someone I would not question that either. I would do what I was told. It was my job.

    But in other ways I had not changed at all. I was still a horny teenager. Every night I still went to bed with Sephiroth. Afterall, in some ways I was still trying to *be* him. I could never quite become his stature in body, no matter how ripped I was, but I did grow my hair to my shoulders, just as a little tribute. But still, as much as I worshipped my lover, I was still in love with Reeve. Head over heels in love. I thought about him all the time. I couldn't help stealing long looks when he wasn't looking, or imagining what it would be like to kiss him. Just thinking about Reeve gave me more hard on's than kissing Sephiroth. I loved him so much I couldn't stand it. But yet, I was the only one who knew.

    I hadn't had to worry about Hojo. For three years he had kept his distance from me, and I tried not to think about it.

    So, it was my birthday. I was eighteen. What do you think I was doing?

    "Ugh.... Ugh... Oh, Sephiroth... Oh... Oh my god.... Oh god you... Oh....SEPHIROTH!"

    Uh huh. You guessed it. Afterwards we lay besides one another, panting and coming down from the heights of pleasure.

    "Oh... Tseng... You're so... Hot..." He looked over and smiled at me.

    I chuckled and smiled back. "I am *so* not... Not compared to you."

    "Don't give me that. Look at those muscles. I can't tell you how many times I hear women talking about how much they want you."

    "You're lying." But I was still grinning.

    "Oh no I'm not." He kissed me lightly, sliding his arms around my back. "But they can't have you. You're mine. Every last gorgeous muscular inch of you."

    I giggled softly as he kissed my neck. "I bet you're thrilled I'm finally legal now."

    "Mmm...makes me feel less like a skeevy old man," he muttered against my skin.

    "You were never skeevy." I kissed the top of his head and added, "besides, it doesn't really change anything, does it."

    "I guess we can do it twice a day instead of once," he kidded with a twinkle in his eye.

    "I don't think I would protest against that..." I murmured, kissing him gently.

    "I think we're going to have to do that." He cupped my head in his hand and kissed me harder. "In fact...." he added, kissing me more passionately as he straddled my body, "I could take you again right now."

    I moaned, bending back my head and running my fingers through his hair. "Ah...yes...yes...please..."

    And he did. And I was content.

    But I was still far from being happy.


    I spent a *lot* of time in the gym at work. I had to. After all, I couldn't get muscles by sitting around on my ass all day. Besides, I rather liked working out, especially swimming. Reeve made use of the pool quite frequently himself, and once in awhile we would meet up.

    Today was one of those days.

    I was heading for the pool when I saw him go into the locker room, running his fingers through his wet hair. God, he was so beautiful I wanted to cry.

    "Hey, Reeve!" I jogged to catch up with him, grinning. I hadn't seen Reeve in a few days, but it seemed far too long.

    My friend turned to me with a smile and a weak punch in the arm. "There you are, birthday boy! Where have you been?"

    Getting the living *shit* fucked out of me every night, I thought with a silent chuckle. I was not about to tell Reeve that. Instead I gave him a grin and said, "where *haven't* I been?"

    "Off celebrating with *Sephiroth* no doubt. Now that you're finally *legal*." He laughed, teasing me with a fake groan as he did so. Reeve knew me far too well--part of the reason why I loved him so much. Then he added, "not that that's stopped you before."

    I couldn't let him get off easy with that comment. "Go ahead and make fun of me." I pretended to take offense to his comment and I crossed my arms in a sort of pout. Reeve looked so hot I just wanted to pin him up against the lockers and put my tongue down his throat---as horrible as it sounds to be described that way. "I was going to tell you how hot you looked in your bathing suit." Heh heh, to put it *lightly*.

    He laughed at my comment, having no idea how dead serious I was--that was the one thing Reeve didn't know about me, and I was glad of it. I was sure it would ruin our friendship if he knew what kind of thoughts I had about it. But truly, I couldn't help it! After all, when you're in love with someone, don't you imagine having sex with them? Yes, it was true, I wanted to do a lot more than kiss him. "Nice try, but that kind of flattery doesn't work on me." Dammit, if it only did. Reeve started walking towards the locker room, and, of course, I followed. Damn, Reeve has a nice ass. Ugh, stop with the impure thoughts...you're giving yourself an erection...

    "Why don't you take a swim with me?" Come home with me? Sleep with me? Er....you're such a horny little--

    "Me? I just finished. I'm an old man! I can't do any more laps! I might keel over!"

    Yeah, sure. Reeve. Old. Ha ha ha. "An old man?! You're 24!!"

    He opened his locker and commented, "I sit behind a desk all day. I'm not used to movement. But you go ahead. Take a swim. Continue your never ending quest to become Sephiroth."

    I had to sigh. Here he goes again with the Sephiroth comments. I think Reeve really disliked the idea that I held Sephiroth so highly. I guess he didn't like the idea that I copied him. Maybe he wanted to see me be more independent. But that wasn't something I knew how to do very much anymore, considering my work relied on the fact that I had to take orders and follow them to the letter. It was almost like being a robot. "You're still ratting on me because I decided to grow my hair out? It's just to my shoulders, not to my waist," I pointed out. "And besides..." I leaned on the locker next to him as thoughts of Sephiroth floated into my sex fused mind. "I could never have a body like that."

    My friend chuckled as he began to dry himself off with a towel. I think he said something, but I wasn't listening. I was too busy wishing I was that towel. Oh man, Reeve was so hot. He wasn't hot in a muscular way like Sephiroth, but it wasn't as if he was flabby. Reeve was very lean. His muscles weren't well defined like mine were, and he didn't have a six-pack like I had worked my ass off for, but you could definitely tell he worked out. Reeve had a very nice body, and he didn't give himself credit for it.

    "What?" Reeve pulled his shirt over his head, and I snapped out of my daze. "Can't think of a witty reply?"

   "You look good, Reeve. Really." I had no idea why the hell I said that. Maybe because I didn't know what he had said, so I really did have no witty reply.

    The next moment our eyes locked. And it seemed for a good minute I was totally gone--lost in those dark green eyes that I found so beautiful. Reeve was staring back at me with a sort of dazed look.

    "Thanks," he was almost breathless.

    I had to break the eye contact or I was going to kiss him. "Look, why don't you stop by my office later and we can celebrate my birthday." Inside I had butterflies in my stomach. I was dying to be alone with Reeve. It seemed I hadn't been in awhile.

    "Sure," he agreed, and I was thrilled. With a grin he added, "but if you're expecting me to bring something alcoholic dream on. You're still under age for that."

    I began walking away towards the pool--I was in such a giddy mood I felt like I was flying. "You said it yourself. The legal thing never stopped me before."

    I heard Reeve laugh and I knew it was going to be a great day.


    Yes, I actually had an office. Not only were my superiors thrilled with my work, but the President was too. I actually had been awarded several medals. I kept them in a box in my new office, not being one to brag. To me, the office was enough a display of my hard work for Shinra Inc.

    I was waiting for Reeve in my office after hours that evening, clearing things off the desk and opening the blinds. There was a great view of the Midgar sky from my office, and the stars were truly beautiful. I couldn't help but think it would be very romantic to be sitting looking at the stars with Reeve, but that thought was cut off by the ringing of my PHS.

    "Hello, Tseng Tyutyuik."

    "Yes, I'm looking for my lover, have you seen him? He's absolutely gorgeous. Black hair...black eyes...beautiful smooth skin...muscles to die for..."

    I chuckled. "Sephiroth, have you been drinking?"  My master was usually stern and cold, and although he was often gentle with me, he seldom kidded with me, although as I grew older he seemed to open up to me more and more.

    "No...but I wouldn't mind licking some red wine off your body."

    "Ooh..." I sighed, having to shift just thinking about that. "I'm going to have to take you up on that. Although I'm wondering what made you so horny."

    He laughed and said, "I've just been thinking about you. I think that would be enough." There was a brief pause before he added, in a softer, more seductive tone, "so are you coming?"

    "In a little while," I promised him. "Reeve's coming to my office and we're going to celebrate my birthday. We'll probably just talk awhile and have a drink or two."

    "He's going to let you drink alcohol? I'm impressed."

    "He told me he wouldn't, but I wouldn't be surprised if he showed up here with a bottle of something." There was knock and I turned my attention to the door. "Oh, I think that's Reeve now. I'll come to you later, all right, masuta?"

    "I'll be looking forward to it, Venustas. Have a good time with Reeve."

    "I will." How could I not? "Good-bye."

    I hung up the PHS and brushed off my suit as I walked to the door. My stomach was butterflies again, and I opened the door with a smile.

    It was Scarlet.

    I don't think a smile has ever faded from my face so quickly. "Oh. Hello." I couldn't have hid my disappointment no matter how hard I tried. I really did not like Scarlet. She was not a nice person to begin with, and the fact that she was screwing Reeve made it even worse.

    "Tseng..." my name rolled off her tongue in a seductive whisper. "Look who's finally legal." She slammed my door shut with her foot.

    Immediately sweat started dripping down the back of my neck. What the hell is *that* supposed to mean? "Excuse me?"

    She was advancing on me in that low cut red dress she always seemed to be whoring around in. "I'm not going to pretend I'm not attracted to you, Tseng, because I am. *Very* much so."

    Oh shit. I guess that stuff Sephiroth said about women finding me attractive was true. And truly, I would have found the attention of any other woman flattering--but not Scarlet. Never Scarlet. In fact, the idea that she desired me just made me want to vomit. But what could I say to her? She could get me fired. "Is that so? Uh...." My back hit the wall, and panic set in. I couldn't help remember the last time I was in this position and suddenly I just wanted to cry.

    Her hands went on me, around my waist, and she pressed herself up against me whispering, "I want you."

    Inside, I was freaking out. I tried to maintain my composure, and I had no choice but to be firm about this. There was no reason I had to put up with this. "Get off me, Scarlet." How could she be doing this to me? Wasn't she still with Reeve? I brought it up. "What would Reeve think?"

    "He doesn't have to know..." she purred in my ear. I couldn't believe what she was saying! Sephiroth had been right, she truly was a whore! All I wanted was to get her away from me. "Now come, Tseng. There's no use in pretending you don't want me."

    I had to restrain myself from laughing in her face. "No, Scarlet, actually--" but before she could finished she was tugging on the zipper of my pants, and I yelped, shocked at her assertive move.

    But I had a new savior this time. Right after Scarlet discovered I wasn't attracted to her, Reeve burst through the door, my angel of hope.

    "Reeve!" I couldn't have been happier to see him as I got away from Scarlet, zipping my pants back up.

    "Scarlet!" Reeve glared at her. Obviously he had overheard part of her seduction attempt.

    "I don't get it!" The whore was still staring at me, and she looked upset. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

    Why wasn't she arousing me? The answer was simple, and I spelled it out for her. "I'm gay."

    Her beady little eyes narrowed, and she was quiet a moment before she looked at Reeve. "Well.... Reeve, come and see me later." Then she left my office, slamming the door behind her.

    I was enraged. I was so angry I didn't know what to say or do. But I knew I had to say something to Reeve. He looked as though he was in shock. "I'm sorry Reeve, she came in here muttering things about how I was finally legal and was trying to come on to me." I couldn't help rushing my words.

    My friend was still looking at where the slut had departed. "It's all right, Tseng." His tone was absent. "Sephiroth was right. She really *is* a whore."

    Yes! I celebrated inwardly as he came to this realization. Maybe now he would break it off with her and find someone who deserved him. "I'm sorry... He isn't usually wrong, Reeve."

    Spinning suddenly, he placed a bottle of champagne and two glasses on the table. I hadn't noticed it until now, and I couldn't help smiling. I knew he would. "Look. I lied. I bought champagne."

    "Reeve....are you trying to get me drunk?" I kidded.

    But Reeve was only silent as he poured his glass to the brim. I couldn't help but wonder if he had taken this whole Scarlet thing harder than I thought.


    Reeve and I drank our fair share of champagne that night, and although he claims we were both drunk off our asses, I know I wasn't. I was comfortably buzzed, but I was in full control of my actions. Reeve must have thought I had a low tolerance for alcohol because I was young. What he didn't know was that I had been licking red wine off of Sephiroth for years. Those are the details you don't tell even your closest of friends.

    But maybe he was drunk. Reeve had been downing a lot more of this stuff than I was. I'm sure if you ask him this story this is the part he'll leave out.

    We were sitting side by side on my desk, looking out the open window, staring at the stars. My office was dark, aside from the glow of the moon casting down on us. Reeve was depressed, and I could tell.

    "Are you all right?" I sipped my champagne. It was good stuff. Reeve had not gone cheap for my birthday.

    "Yeah." He polished off another glass and refilled it with an unsteady hand. "Fine." Reeve took another sip and placed the glass down away from him. "Just pisses me off."

    I knew he was talking about Scarlet, so I kept quiet. I didn't want to think about her touching me. It brought me back to memories I didn't want to remember. With a laborious sigh, my own glass was placed down, and I dropped my hands in my lap. "Oh, Reeve."

    A second later every nerve in my body was alive. Quickly, my eyes shockingly discovered the sigh of Reeve's knee nearly touching my own. Only millimeters separated them. I couldn't help but move a little more.

    As soon as I did, I felt his knee settle completely against mine.  Reeve had moved it. *He* had. I couldn't believe my own eyes as a small gasp escaped my lips.

    "Tseng...." His hand rested on his own knee, but not without touching mine. Suddenly I found my own hand was heading in that direction, sliding over my own thigh while my fingers grazed over my friend's leg. I reached my own knee, and quickly brushed Reeve's hand with my thumb. I couldn't stop myself. These small touches were driving me crazy. After all, you have to remember how much I loved him and how much I desired him. Next I knew my hand was covering his and slowly stroking it, teasing his skin.

    And he *moaned*. There was no denying that. Reeve moaned and I took his hand in mine and held it tightly, reveling in the feel of it. It was something so simple, and yet it did so much for my senses. I just needed more of him. Quickly I brought his hand to my lips and kissed it.

    Reeve moaned *again*.

    I couldn't believe my own ears. I looked up and our eyes met. They more than met--they locked. They locked in that way where we became lost in one another. And I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to cup that beautiful face in my hands and moan into his mouth, stroking his tongue and exploring a piece of him I had always desired.

    What was I thinking?! I was with Sephiroth! ...No matter how much I....wanted Reeve.

    His hand reached up to brush my cheek, and I longed to make love to him. Longed to hold his trembling, sweat slicked body in my arms as I was inside him.

    Noooooooooo! I was mad! You're with Sephiroth, no matter how much you...love...Reeve.

    One hand still in mine, his other ghosted over my lips, teasing. I kissed each finger as they came, mind clouded by booze, lust, love and desire. Reeve moaned oh so softly as I kissed his fingers, and suddenly I couldn't restrict myself any longer.

    I took his face in my hands, my eyes never leaving his. I was lost in his eyes as one of his hands fit snugly over my knee, the other wrapping around my neck. I couldn't believe how close we were--closer than we ever had been. But I wanted closer.

    "Reeve...." I whispered, my voice weak.

    "Tseng..." his voice was in the same tone as mine.

    I was all set to kiss him when reality set in. Reeve wasn't gay. He was drunk. And I was horny, as usual.

    "Tseng....please....kiss me." His voice was a feathery whisper.

    Despite the fact that I *knew* I shouldn't, I lost my battle. I wanted to so badly...and it was just the pleading way in which he said it... Leaning forward, I barely brushed my lips against his, intending that to be all. But Reeve grabbed my shoulders and pulled me deeply into the kiss with a lusty moan.

    My eyes were wide as he explored my mouth with his tongue, and it took me awhile to return it. But once I got my lips and tongue working I was returning his kiss forcefully, bending his head back and tasting him. My tongue stroked his, and I could taste the champagne.

  He is so drunk. I bet he won't even remember this.

    That's when I had to pull away.

    "Reeve," I gasped, brushing some hair off his face. "You're drunk. You're really drunk."

    He blinked at me, as though he was coming out of a trance. "No..." He leaned forward and took my face in his hands. "No...please...Tseng..."

    Oh god, he was being so forceful, I don't know how I restrained myself. "Reeve....I can't." I had to get up, and I took the champagne with me. "You're drunk, Reeve. You've had enough."

    "Not enough of you."

    I could not believe my ears. And I was glad to report that I was thinking with my brain in this situation instead of another part of my body that was screaming something else. "You've had *enough*, Reeve." I sighed. "Do you want me to help you home?"

    Standing, he said, "I have to go see Scarlet."

    I clenched my teeth, knowing that she was definitely going to take advantage of him in this situation. "I don't think you should."

    "I have to." He went to the door before turning back to look at me. "Tseng..."

    "What?" I sighed, wanting to run to him, and hold him in my arms and protect him from that horrible woman and confess my heart to him. But I couldn't. I just couldn't move.

    "That was nice."

    I watched in shock as he left, not sure whether to believe him or not.

    Later I returned to the apartment Sephiroth and I shared, stripped to my boxers and climbed into bed. I thought Sephiroth was already asleep, but he grabbed me by the waist and I was straddling him before I knew what hit me.

    "Your reflexives are slow, little one. Are you drunk?"

    "No..." I sounded tired and I knew it. "I'm not drunk... Just buzzed, that's all." I yawned.

    "Hm...." He ran a hand down my chest to my stomach. "How was your evening?"

    I told him the story about Scarlet, but I left out everything that had happened with Reeve and I. That was for us to remember, if he did at all.

    "I can't believe she put her hands on you." Sephiroth held me close to him, sounding thoroughly displeased.

    "....it was scary," I admitted in a quiet voice. "...it reminded me of.......my past."

    He tilted my chin up so I was looking into those magnificent bright green eyes. "I don't know what happened to you, Tseng. And if you don't want to talk about it, I understand. But if you ever do, I will listen to you. You know that. I care very much for you, and I don't want you to ever be unhappy."

    "Thank you..." I whispered, trying not to cry. It was a combination of the alcohol and the emotional roller coaster I had been put through this evening. But no matter how I tried, a single tear slipped down my cheek. "I... I..."

    "Oh...don't cry, sweetheart." He held me closer to him, rocking me gently.

    "I... I'm sorry, I just..."

    "Shush... Shush, little one. You need to sleep off the alcohol."

    But as tired as I was, I just could not sleep soundly.


    After that night with Reeve, I can't explain what happened to me. I grew quieter, more reflective. I suppose it was because I was worried. I was worried about Reeve.

    It was as if he had changed after that night as well. I knew it had something to do with his family. Part of it at least. Reeve hated to talk about his family, and he seldom did. So I worried about him, more than I should. There were times when I should have been listening, but my mind drifted, and instead of listening to Heidegger, I was thinking about Reeve. My lack of an attention span got me smacked by the boss, and scolded by my peers. It upset me that I was so inattentive, but I couldn't help it. I kept telling him I was here for him. I kept telling him to talk to me, but he seemed so distant.

    Heidegger's office again. I was determined to pay close attention.

    "Tseng, I have a very important assignment today, unlike any other you have gone on." The heavyset man was coming around the desk, a few pages in his hand. He handed them to me, and I glanced them over.

    "The Midgar Report?"

    "Just some financial figures." Heidegger went back behind the desk, and I glanced through the papers. These figures were not good. In fact, you could almost call them terrible. The people in Midgar were doing terribly. I almost could not believe my own eyes. What would Reeve think?

    "Has Reeve seen this?" I looked up intently, feeling hollow. I knew Reeve so well that I knew how he would react to seeing these terrible numbers, and it shook me terribly.

    "No. And he's not going to."

    I was shocked! Why not?! Didn't he build the damn thing? Was it because they knew how he would react, and that's why they didn't want him to see it? It didn't matter the reason--Reeve had a right to know how his own city was doing. It made me terribly angry inside, but I kept silent. I was only a Turk, and it was no business of mine to question my superiors. "Yes, sir." Why do I feel like such a traitor?

    "Here is your next assignment. It's fairly detailed, so it's all been written down for you." Heidegger pushed a sheet of paper across the table. "Do you have any questions?"

    As I glanced over the words, my stomach tied itself in knots as the word 'murder' appeared about five times. Murder. The words I had secretly been dreading. The time had come where I was going to have to take someone's life. Someone was going to lose their life at *my* hand. Why should it bother me so much? I've killed before.... This person must have done something terribly wrong for Shinra to want him dead, and afterall, I had no choice. So why was I even thinking about it?

    I was thinking about it because of Bryatt. Because he had done one little thing wrong and he paid for it with his life. That just wasn't fair.

    But that was the past. This was the present. I was a Turk. I did what I was told. And if I had to kill someone as the price for being able to live like I did--off the streets--then that is what I would do. All I could do was try not to think about it.

    "Well, Tseng? Any questions?"

    "None, sir." I stood, folding the Midgar reports and shoving it in my uniform pocket. "I will leave now to carry out my orders."

    "You're a credit to the company, Tseng."

    With a salute, I turned and left his office a different person.


    Sector five. That's where my target was hiding out. Even though the mission assignment was detailed, I could tell that this would be an easy job. Shinra had obviously done some extensive work tracking this guy's every move.

    My gun was cold in my unwavering grip as I approached the building where the subject was hiding. My pace was sure, it was certain, it was confident. My mind was void of every thought but that of my mission. I had no thoughts of my own. I had no emotion. I had no conscience. As usual, it was as if I was a whole different person had possessed my body to carry out this mission.

    This job would be over in seconds, and then I could head back with a positive job report. The handle on the door was jammed, so I stepped back and kicked it open easily. The room was like an abandoned warehouse--there was junk scattered everywhere.

    And in the middle of it was a man, who looked scared out of his mind. He knew who I was. He knew the blue suit that was the core of Shinra authority. He knew I was a Turk, and that if you ever came face to face with a Turk wielding a gun, your life was over.

    And this man's life was over. "FREEZE!" I barked the only word I needed to say.

    The man froze like a deer caught in head lights.

    Then he met my eyes.

    And I pulled the trigger.

    It was all over in a moment, just like I knew it would be. My target hit the floor in a pool of blood and spastic ligaments. Silently I watched as the blood ran from him like a river, the bullet having plunged right into his heart. I was too good at what I did to miss even slightly. Satisfied that I had done just as Shinra had ordered me too, I turned and left the building as if I was just a unsatisfied customer who had just not found what I had been looking for.


    And it was all a haze. It was as if I had been out selling ice cream instead of murdering someone. I felt nothing. I felt not a trace of guilt or anything at all until Heidegger told me I was dismissed for the day, and I stepped out of his office.

    Then it seemed the instant the door shut behind me, I couldn't stop shaking. My hands trembled like someone stricken with palsy as my mind fired off questions faster than I could try and come up with answers. Mindlessly, I moved for the elevator in a trance like state.

    Who was that? I didn't even know his name. I just shot him. I killed him. My god, I *killed* him. They didn't even tell me what he did, I just killed him. I shot him. He looked so fucking scared, and it didn't phase me in the least. I just shot him. And I really don't know why he had to die.

  You shouldn't let this get to you, Tseng. Shinra told you he had to die. That's why you killed him. Does it really matter the reason behind it? Shinra took you off the streets. They gave you a home. They gave you a chance! You're not supposed to question your orders like this. You killed someone. He could have done something horrible. You're just taking orders. There will be others. You going to question every life you take in the same way? Then maybe you shouldn't have taken this job.

    Oh....I needed this job. It was worth any price.

    I stopped thinking about it.

    As I pressed the button for the elevator, I realized I had passed Reeve's office without so much as a peek inside. My thoughts had had me *that* distracted.

    Just as thoughts of Reeve entered my head, the real Reeve appeared as the elevator doors opened. He seemed distracted, and he nearly banged right into me.

    "Oh hello, Reeve." I smiled at him, but immediately I realized something was wrong. Reeve was not smiling back. I knew he had gone home today. In fact, I told him a million times to call me if there were any problems. Now he looked almost lifeless. Quickly I stepped into the elevator and shut the door. "What's wrong? What happened when you went home, Reeve?"

    My friend was quiet, reflective as he turned away to look down at Midgar. "Is it bad, Tseng?" His voice was a mere whisper.

    I froze right where I was, just looking at him. Truly, I had never seen Reeve look so sad. It was as if all the life had been drained from him and he was but a shell of the man he was. "Is what bad?" My own voice was as quiet as his.

    "My city. It isn't bad, is it?"

    He sounded like he was about to cry. What happened to him? Slowly, I reached out and took his shoulders, holding them tightly. What had happened at home? "Are you all right, Reeve?" As if I needed to ask. He was about as far from all right as a person could be. I wanted so badly to hold him, but I restrained myself.

    "There's something wrong, isn't there?" His voice was hard now as he turned, pushing me away from him. My jaw almost hit the floor at the motion. Never before had he exhibited any kind of violence towards me.  "Why won't anyone tell me what it is? What are all you bastards hiding from me?! What's the big secret?! Huh? What is it?" My friend was glaring at me with a desperate look I had never seen, his tone harsh. But despite the words coming from his lips, there were tears in his eyes, and I knew he was upset on a very deep level.

    My own eyes filled with tears at seeing him more upset than I could remember seeing anyone. And truly, I couldn't blame him. Reeve was right. Shinra was hiding things he had the right to know. And I felt that as his friend, I had to go against Shinra this one time and show him what we all knew. "I...I...it's just that..." I didn't quite know what to say as I removed the Midgar Report from my pocket and held it out to him. "Maybe you better read this, Reeve."

    The papers were snatched roughly from my hand, and Reeve's intense dark green eyes glided ravenously over the page as though he was a vulture surveying his pray. "The Midgar report?! Why didn't I get this? I build the fucking thing and I don't even get the god damn report on it." Still, he was snapping at me.

    I was trying so hard not to break down and cry. I only said to him, "please, Reeve. Just read it."

    And I watched as he did. I watched him so intently as his eyes absorbed every word on those pages. I watched as all the anger faded from him and was replaced with the lost, drained man I had seen when I first stepped onto this elevator. All at once, the papers fell from his shaking hands to the floor, and I didn't know what to think or what to do. "Tseng....why....why is everyone so poor?" Reeve stuttered, pleading at me with his beautiful eyes, begging me to enlighten him when I knew no more than he did.  "I thought...I thought Shinra was going to take care of them...."

     "I....I don't know, Reeve. I can't answer that question."

    "They're.....suffering?" With a turn he was looking back at the window, back at the city. Then he was silent a moment before he spoke again. "I....I...I never thought for a second...." A hand through his hair and he turned to meet my eyes, crying silently. "They....they lied to me?"

    And it broke my heart. It broke my heart to see Reeve standing there crying, sounding like a lost child who had no where to turn. And what was I supposed to do? There was nothing more I wanted to do in the world than take his pain away, to hold him and comfort him in any way I could even though I knew not what to say. In a second my arms were wound tightly around his waist, my cheek against his back as I exclaimed, "It will all get better, Reeve. You'll talk to them. They'll see. They'll fix it. Everything will be like you wanted it. Just like you dreamed it." But I was unsure of my own words.

     "Aw, shit." Reeve sounded upset with himself. "This is my fault. I haven't been paying attention."

    I shut my eyes and spoke from my heart. "You're a good person, Reeve. You have to watch out for the people. You're the only one who will." You're such a good person, Reeve. The best I know. Don't be upset....you're hurting me too... I just want to cry... I love you so much....

    What affect my words had on him I did not know. For all he did was silently cover my hands with his own, gripping them lightly in his own as he stared out through the glass and into reality.


    I was very reluctant to get off that elevator and leave Reeve. But he said he needed some time alone, and I respected his wishes. Besides, I felt as though I really needed to talk with Sephiroth.

    I entered our room, shedding my coat and shoes immediately, loosening my tie, and dragging myself into the bedroom. Sephiroth was sitting up in bed, leafing through the paper in nothing but a pair of black boxers, his shimmering silver hair spilling over muscular shoulders.

    And as beautiful as he looked, my mind was still on Reeve.

    "Ah, there you are, Venustas." My lover placed the paper aside and then looked at me long and hard. "Is everything all right?"

    "I killed someone today." I just collapsed at the end of the bed and sat there, my head in my hands. "I killed someone. And I didn't even think about it. I just.... I just did it. And I'll do it again, a million times over if Shinra wants me to. ...It just...just feels so wrong in so many ways..."

    Sephiroth was besides me, and he kissed the side of my head. "You cannot think like that, my little one. You must not let your conscience speak up, or none of this will make sense, and you will just be unhappy. And all you wish to be off the streets, correct?"

    I nodded.

    "Then do what is asked and think no more of it. It is the way of the Turks. Action. No reaction." He drew me gently into his arms.

    "You don't like Shinra, much, do you, Sephiroth?" I whispered, nuzzling against him, my eyes closing.

    "That is irrelevant." He began to suck on my ear. "Don't concern yourself with that fact. ...Is there anything else...." he began kissing down the side of my neck, "you beautiful thing?"

    I moaned, eyes still slammed shut. I didn't want to talk anymore. I didn't want to think anymore. I just wanted to feel my master against me. "Oh...just take me. Take me, Sephiroth."

    How can I explain what happened next?

    I have to say I was distracted.

    There I was, lying there as Sephiroth stripped me to my underwear quite eagerly and began kissing every inch of skin that was exposed. And as much I was enjoying every second of it, my eyes were still tightly shut, and all I could think of was Reeve, and how forlorn he was, and how beautiful he was, and how much I loved him, and how much I wish it were him covering me in kisses.

    "Mmmn...oh....my little one.... Let me kiss you everywhere..."

    "Yes.... Oh, yes..."

    Sephiroth was sucking at my stomach, an area which always made me pant with need and beg to be fucked. I was arching up to every press of his lips to my skin, mewling and grabbing at the sheets.

    "Yes... So pretty..."

    "Oh...oh.... Ye--yes, Reeve."

    Have you ever felt so terrified that you just froze and wished you could turn back time? Well the minute Sephiroth's lips left my skin, that is how I felt.

    "Reeve?"

    I couldn't even breathe, so how was I going to answer him? Running through my mind was one curse, repeating itself over and over again, as I lay there, eyes still shut, head to one side, dreading having to deal with this situation.

    "Tseng. Why did you say Reeve?"

    "Oh my god...." Finally able to grasp at movement, my eyes opened and I sat up, scooting into the corner of the bed and curling into a ball. "Oh my god......"

    "Tseng?" Sephiroth sounded more confused than threatening, but it somehow scared the shit out of me. How could I have said someone else's name?! I was terrified and had had it with the day I had been having.

    So I did the only thing I could think to do.

    I broke down and wept.

    "Tseng?" Sephiroth was at my side, and I cringed, fearing I was going to be struck by the hand that had taught me.

    "D-Don't...!" But that was all I could get out.

    "Don't? Don't what?" My master didn't touch me, but I could tell he wanted to.

    "Don't hit me!" I drew my knees to my chest and hugged them tight as I tried to take control of my own tears.

    "Hit you? Tseng!" He embraced me then, drawing me close and resting my head on his shoulder. "I would never hit you. NEVER. I am shocked to think you believe I would."

    "I--I...I'm sorry."

    "Ah, my little one..." Cupping the back of my head in his hand, he rocked me gently as I wet his shoulder with my crying. "What is it that bothers you?"

    "Reeve," I choked out, finally able to let the words flow. There was nothing I could say but the truth. "I...I don't love you, Sephiroth. I care for you, and I worship you, but I just can't love you. I...I love Reeve, and... I have for a long time. But I can't tell him... He doesn't want me. He'd probably hate me if he found out.... Oh god... Oh god... Why must I love him so much?" I buried my head in Sephiroth's shoulder, hesitant of his reaction.

    "Oh.... Tseng...." My chin was lifted, and my bleary eyes met the magnificent green orbs that had hypnotized me from the day we first met. "How can I tell you that I do not love you either."

    I blinked, almost relieved to hear so. "You....you don't?"

    Shaking his head, I was told, "while I do care for you more than anyone in this company....there is another....another who...who they took away from me..." My master looked away as a great sadness came over him. "You've heard me mention Vincent Valentine."

    "Vincent...." I repeated, nodding slightly. "Yes..."

    "I have always loved Vincent..... And I always shall. There were never be room in my heart for another." Again we met eyes. "Even if he's gone."

    "Oh, Sephiroth..." I breathed, brushing my hand with his cheek. "Oh....I'm so sorry."

    "You still have a chance, Tseng," my master told me, his voice firm. "Tell Reeve how you feel. I'm know that he will be more accepting of your feelings than you think."

    "Really?" I couldn't even fathom that maybe Reeve would accept how I felt, even if he didn't love me back. "But..oh...Sephiroth..does this mean we..."

    "Yes." He wasn't looking at me as he spoke. "We cannot cling onto one another like this anymore, Tseng. Not when we love other people." Looking once more at me he added, "you understand?"

    Nodding once, I told him, "I will always be here for you."

    "And I too will always be here for you." Taking my face in his hands, he gently kissed my forehead.

    I sighed lightly, feeling as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. "Thank you, master... I...I'm sorry for crying."

    "Nonsense." Sephiroth looked directly into my eyes as he spoke. "Cry all you want to. Crying makes us human. It is part of our humanity. Never be ashamed of it."

    As much as his words eased my pain, I could never stop feeling ashamed as once again I let myself weep.


    Tell him. Sephiroth says I should tell him. Just tell him and get it over with. Just say the words. How hard should it be to tell the truth?

    There I was, pacing outside Reeve's office the very next day, toying over the idea of whether or not I wanted to tell him my feelings. I was scared he would take it badly, but in another way I thought maybe he would like to hear it. With all the trouble he had been going through, maybe he would appreciate the knowledge that someone cared so much and *so* deeply for him.

    Just do it, Tseng. Just go in there and tell him.

    Drawing a deep breath, I knocked gently upon the door.

    "Come in." Reeve's was weak and lifeless. Apparently he had not recovered after what had happened yesterday in the elevator. As I heard his voice in such a forlorn state, I knew I had to tell him. He had a right to know how I felt, and whatever he did with that knowledge was his choice.

    I went in slowly, trying to decide what exactly I wanted to do and say. I said nothing as I shut the door, and then I turned to him again. Reeve was behind his desk, both arms resting on the desk as if his head had been held in them only moments before. His hair was slightly tousled, and he had a blank expression was on his face. Suddenly, I had all the words in the world. "I need to talk to you."

    "It's about time." Reeve cleared his throat and he sounded more confident than he had when I walked in. "I was wondering what had been bothering you."

    I had been acting rather strange ever since we kissed, and I wasn't surprised he noticed. The thought of whether or not he remembered that night crossed my mind, but didn't stay.

    Sure of my step, I bypassed my usual chair and instead came to Reeve's side. My friend looked shocked as I kneeled on the floor besides him. God, I needed to be close to him. I couldn't confess my feelings in a chair across the table. This was intimate conversation.

    "Tseng?" He tried to get up, but I put my hands to his chest and gently forced him to sit again.

    Here goes nothing... "I am no longer with Sephiroth." I let the words escape my lips, and I knew there was no turning back now.

    "What happened?" Reeve sounded shocked, and I didn't blame him. "I thought you were in love with him."

     I could feel myself blush at hearing him speak those words. He could not have set me up more perfectly. Unable to make eye contact, I looked down at the carpet with a shake of my head. "No... I... I never loved him.," I admitted softly, voice trembling slightly.  "I worshipped him, but I never loved him." Swallowing nervously, I gripped the carpet with white knuckles as I kept speaking. "And he never loved me. You see...we loved other people... Him, someone from the past." I lowered my voice before I added, "Me, someone I can't have."

    "Tseng..." Reeve's voice was equally soft, and I couldn't believe it as he took my chin in his soft hand and lifted it up so we were staring at one another. "What are you saying?"

  Oh god, oh god. I love you so much, Reeve, that I couldn't not say it now if the heavens opened up. "He said I should say it. That I should come out and say and not be afraid because you wouldn't hate me for it. Sephiroth said that, at least." The love of my life froze, and I think he understood right then and there how I felt about it. Despite his look of amazement, I knew I wouldn't feel I had expressed my feelings properly until I said the actual words. "I'm in love with you, Reeve," my voice was serious as my eyes stayed with his.  "I have been for a long time. And I just.... I just...." I began to stutter as tears filled my eyes. There I went again, getting overly emotional, I felt foolish. "Gods, I can never stop crying." Wiping at my tears, I went on and said all that I had left to say. "I don't expect you to do anything, Reeve. I don't expect anything from you. I just... I just thought you should know." My friend was being so quiet and still throughout the whole thing that I had to hang my head and add, "I just hope I don't lose your friendship." There was a tightening in my stomach as I said it.

    For a long time Reeve was motionless. It was as if he were suddenly a statue. I managed to look up at him, wishing so much I knew what he was thinking. "No," he spoke finally, his voice light as he still looked straight ahead. "No, Tseng. You can never lose my friendship." A great weight was lifted from my shoulders at those very words. " Out of everyone in the the world....I care about you the most." He finally looked down at me, and I could see in those beautiful green eyes that he was dead serious. "Really."

    I wiped at my tears, and even though I was sure of my friend's words, I couldn't help asking, "Really, Reeve?"

    My mouth fell open as Reeve took my hands in his and interlaced our fingers. I was sure I was shaking. There I was, holding hands with Reeve, and this time he was sober. "Yeah. Even if I can't love you like that."

    I knew I was shaking when I couldn't hold my own smile. "Thank you, Reeve," I breathed. "All I need in this world is your friendship. I love you so much." It felt so good to be able to tell him those words, even if--

    "Come here." Reeve interrupted my thoughts as he came down to the floor with me and took me in his arms, tightly. It was one of those hugs I never wanted to leave. But this time it felt like more of an embrace. I buried my head in my shoulder and told him the last of what was on my mind. "I won't say it anymore, Reeve. I promise. I know it must make you uncomfortable. So I won't say it. But I want you to know.... That even if your family doesn't love you, I do."

    I got no verbal answer. But the feeling of Reeve holding me closer and nuzzling against me let me know enough. And I was perfectly content being held in his embrace, my secret out at long last.


    "Tseng."

    I turned to the one who spoke my name, and my eyes widened slightly to see it was Sephiroth, walking towards me with an almost blank expression. "Ah, so good to see you, masuta." I smiled at him.

    He returned my smile, but it was almost evil in connotation. Sephiroth wanted information, or something. "May I speak with you for a moment, little one?"

    "Certainly." A nod of my head, and we were back in my office, door shut tight.

    "Does he know?"

    I nodded in confirmation. "Yes. I told him."

    "And...?" he prompted, stepping towards me.

    "He wasn't scared. I-In fact he hugged me. For awhile. And I cried. I always cry." I was completely babbling, but that was only because Sephiroth was walking towards me oh so slowly, with this glint in his eye that I knew so well. "And he was fine with it, even if...even if he doesn't love me that way." My last words became breathless as Sephiroth's arms wound around my waist, pulling me close.

    "Ah....maybe I can stay away from you..." His voice was warm, husky in my ear. My eyes slammed shut, and I moaned, despite myself. "But it will take some time... I can't stop myself from thinking about you.... ....the feel of your skin beneath my lips...the feel of your flesh against mine....the way you hold onto me when I'm inside of you...so hard...like I'm all you got..." He was nuzzling me, still speaking right into my ear. I was gripping his shoulders like he *was* all I had, even though I knew he wasn't. "...and your moans...god, they're so sexy....and the way you call my name....how you tremble...ugh....you must excuse my raging lust for you, Venustas." Then he went to back away.

    But I held him, held him there, my hands clenched in an iron grip on his shoulders. "N-no... D-don't... I..." Words were coming from my mouth, but I didn't know what I wanted to say. Not at all. My body wanted him so badly...but my heart...my heart only wanted Reeve. But no. No, Reeve did not want me. But Sephiroth did. And even if he only cared for me, it was still something. I was so used to having him by my side at night, that it would take awhile to get used to being on my own again. If I ever could get used to that. I remembered how I used to cry... "Sephiroth, no." My voice shook slightly, but in the same way it was strangely calm. "Don't walk away. I-I think there are some times, no matter how much we love other people, when we are going to need each other because... because..." And I met his eyes, and I knew, deep down, he understood me perfectly without me having to tell him. "Because you're the only one who can be with me that way."

    And he took me. We had sex right there on the floor of my office. But it wasn't just sex. And as I lay there afterwards, panting and lying on a blanket of my own clothing, I wondered if it had ever been about sex at all.

    And then, just as it always did, it all came back to Reeve.